Cherry Cake Pops

My second attempt at cake pops.

I tried a Cherry Chip cake mix with cream cheese frosting

Dipped in white chocolate

How to make these scrumptious little treats:

1 box of cake mix

1 can of frosting

Bake the cake according to the directions on the box

Let it cool

Crumple the cake in a large bowl

Mix in the frosting

Roll the mixture into round balls

In the past, I just put the balls into the freezer

Next time though, I'm going to try putting them on sticks

Then putting them in the freezer

Melt chocolate

Dip Cake Pops into chocolate

So I am not the best at this dipping thing. It could be because I'm using chocolate chips instead of melting chocolate? Anyone??? I did find that using the sticks is helpful; however, these cake balls seemed to stay very moist {yeah, I know many people do not like that word... sorry but it's the only way I can think to describe it}. I just need more practice with the dipping! You can decorate them in so many ways. I'm too lazy to do the drizzle, sprinkles, ect., so with me you just get plain. You can also mix up the flavors. I did one before with a yellow cake mix, chocolate frosting, dipped in a mixture of chocolate chips and butterscotch chips (half and half). Those are my favorite so far. Let me know if you have any other suggestions or flavor ideas! Also, I created my own little box to hold the Cake Pops but I hear that Bed, Bath, and Beyond may have something coming in so you can display these yummy treats a little nicer than on a Jessica Simpson shoe box! Hey- it will work for now though!

Dear Dad

Dear Dad,

I miss you soooo much!

I really just want to pick up the phone and call you. I want to tell you about my day. I want to just hear your voice. I want to call you and tell you random things, like my toenail chipped!

I love you so much and miss you all the time. I feel an emptiness in my heart because you are not here. BUT... I know you are there, it's just not the same. I just really miss you.

Love,

your daughter

Friday Mornings.... a good find

So for the last 2 Friday mornings, I've been spending some time at our local Border's book store because they are going out of business. Today, I purchased 2 cookbooks {see below}, a gardening book, and 4 fiction books for $36.00. I'm so excited!!! {and kind of addicted}


I've been buying books like crazy. I can't wait til next Friday because there will be more of a discount and I will be going back to see what I can find. I'm going to definitely spend more time near the cookbooks and venture over to world history.

Today... I was just sad.

Because I miss him.

{my graduation, April 2008}

Stage One of Grief or maybe the 4th stage...

I think that I am still in stage one. It's not so much the shock or denial, just the numbness of it all. I feel like I'm not in my body. That I am just here, going through the motions. It feels like nothing else really matters, I just don't care. I think about my dad all the time. I go back to when I was really young or as I was older. I have a picture ingraved in my head of holding his hand while we walked down the street in downtown Fairbanks when I was about 3 years old. I believe I already brought this memory up but it is the one instilled in my brain that makes me happy. The one where I felt like nothing in this world would ever hurt me, because I had my dad there. I just remember being happy.
I don't cry much now. I think I cried more when he was still alive, after I got back from Alaska in June. After I saw how confused he was. After I saw how he really was. I believe that is when my "grieving" started though.
You know, maybe I've passed the first 3 stages of grief though, but maybe not. I've gotten angry and I'm not anymore. I've felt the guilt and I don't now. I honestly feel like I'm waiting for the storm to hit though. Like I've been doing "ok" but something big is going to happen. For the most part, I'm not isolating myself too much though and I do talk with a few people about everything.

September 1972

My mom, dad, and I

I'm fine... I'm ok...

I get asked every day "how are you". I don't mind at all because I know that people are concerned and I appreciate each person. Everytime, I answer "I'm fine" or "I'm ok". But you know what, I am not. My body feels empty. Like there is nothing there, I just go through the motions and do what I need to do. I feel like something is missing. I feel numb. My heart doesn't even feel like it beats inside my body.

Every night I go to sleep, I ask my dad to come to my dream and tell me that everything is ok and will be ok. That he's better now and happy. I know, I know... he is but I still want him to meet me in my dream. I want to hug him in my dream. I want to tell him I love him in my dream. I want to wake up in the morning knowing my dad came to see me in my dream. I miss him. I miss him so much.

So how am I? I guess for someone who lost her father at too young of an age, I am ok. I am fine. In reality, I am just really crappy but I can't say that so I'm fine, I'm ok.

Last night

So it's a bitter sweet to be heading home in the morning. I want to go home, I need to go home, but leaving here leaves behind a past that I will not be able to get back. If or when I come back to Fairbanks, it's not to see my dad. He's not here anymore. I think some day, I want to come back to Alaska and seek the adventures that so many think this place is about. For me, the last few years have been about spending time with my dad and nothing more.

Going though his photos and documents, my dad really has done and seen a lot in his life. He was born in Niagara Falls, NY and moved to Arizona at the age of 7. He started working at a very young age, 12, 13, or 14 to help support his family. When he was 19, he went to Vietnam. When he came home, he skydived, obtained his pilot license, married my mom, and had me. In 1974 or 75 he moved to Alaska to work. He had his truck and $1,000 with him. He worked on the Alaska Pipeline, he moved back to Arizona for a few years, then back to Alaska. He flew his airplane around the United States. He has always told me he lived a good life and has no regrets. Over the last few years, he went back to Vietnam and spent time in China.

That is all for tonight... I miss you dad!

6 days later

Everything is pretty much taken care of. I have his ashes {Feng has half, I have half}. I have photos, documents, the things that he showed me year after year and told me stories about. I will come home with 3 bags and 1 personal bag. All of my father. I will come home with a heart half whole. Last night, I fell asleep about 5 pm. I woke up at 6:15, went to have a pedicure and was asleep again around 10. I slept til about 12:30 PM (yes, over 12 hours). I've gotten up a few times today but I feel weak. I feel like I can't move. I feel empty and sad. My body shakes to get up. It's finally hitting me and I'm ready to go home.
The last two nights, I've had dreams. They haven't been good dreams, they are the dreams were you scream at people, you take your anger out. The first had Ethel in it and I probably cannot say on the internet what I was doing in the dream but it wasn't nice. Then I turned and my dad was there, I didn't see his face though but it was him. He just hugged me and told me it would be ok. Last night I had a dream about Feng. That her and I were fighting over things and it was just crazy. We made up in my dream. I am lucky that she is the person she is because I believe she and I want the best of each other and to make each other happy during this time. I think my dad would be happy with how our friendship has been. I feel guilty though because in the beginning, I just went and went to get everything taken care of. Now, I just want to be alone to grieve. Both are opposite of her culture. She wants to grieve, then take care of things. She has been very good with understanding that because I'm only here for awhile, we needed to get this stuff taken care of.
6 days later though, as I said, most everything is taken care of. The other things can wait or will be processed in time. I need to plan a service, that will be in Arizona but I'm not in a hurry. My dad hated the heat and August is like hell there. Maybe we'll have it in Sept so people can plan to attend and have enough time to get everything in order. Now, it's just time to go home, climb in bed, and wait a week until I go back to work. Until life starts again. For now though, I miss my dad with every part of my being.

Day 3 - remembering back

I wanted to journal this daily so it was fresh in my mind. It's been 6 days since my dad has been gone. My heart is sadder and sadder every day.
The last day his circulation got worse. We increased his morphine. The nurse told me at one point it was going up to 76 ml per hour; however, it went back to 24 ml per hour (max). One doctor would let me push the 'green button' to give him the 'shot' of morphine (4 ml per shot) and another doctor would not. Apparently it's illegal and the only person who can push it is the patient. When the patient is basically in a coma, how the heck do they expect that to happen. I realize it's all for legalities but when you have your father's best interest and know his wishes, I just don't agree. I know my dad, believe it or not, and there is no way he would have even wanted to live as long as he did the way he was.
The last 2 days, he was peaceful. I don't think he was in any pain at all. I was thankful for that. I know he would have rather of died at home, but where he was was the best place for him. In Fairbanks, they do not have hospice like we do in Arizona where a bed and round the clock nurses can be. The nurses at the hospital were amazing though. They were supportive, caring, compassionate, and understanding. I am very thankful for them.
The last day, I stayed by my dad's side as much as possible. I held his hand, I cuddled next to him and slept. I told him over and over it was ok to go. I told him to go with Grandma, to take her hand and go. That we'd be ok. I told him over and over how much I loved him and that I would I miss him so much but I know in my heart he will always be with me. That I am him, just as he once said. That I'm strong and will be ok.
There was a point in the evening that my dad stopped breathing for a long time, maybe like a minute but probably less, it just felt like forever. Feng thought he had died but I had my hand on his chest and could feel his heart beating. He began breathing again. I got up out of my chair and my cousin sat down in the chair next to him. I think panic set in because I knew she wanted time next to him as well. I would leave the room, come back in, leave the room, come back in. I went out to the nurse, Heather, and we finished paperwork that would need to be filled out once he passed away. At that point, another nurse came by and asked the last time he had been repositioned. It had been awhile so they decided to do it again. The three of us went into the room.
Everyone moved away from the bed, some went out of the room. I know Feng had left the room a bit earlier and went to the visiting room and cried. I helped the nurses reposition him and we put pillows under his feet to avoid bed sores. {He had started getting two spots, one on each foot}. My cousin went to sit back down in 'my' chair and I asked if she'd switch sides with me because it was the side I was comfortable cuddling with. She agreed. As I went to climb back into the chair, the other nurse who was helping very quietly called Heather's name. I looked at her face and knew. I looked at my father, he was not breathing. I quickly put my hand on his chest and there was not heartbeat. I buried my face into his neck, against his face, and cried. I told him over and over how much I loved him.
Heather listened for a heartbeat, she touched my shoulder and said "I'm sorry". Another nurse came in to pronounce him, it was about 10:20 pm on Sunday, July 24, 2011.
Someone went to get Feng, she came in hysterical. I couldn't handle it and had to get out of the room for a bit, I wanted to be alone, I wanted to call my mom. I grabbed my phone, left the room, and dialed my mom. She was asleep but said when she heard the phone ring, she knew. I had gone into the vistor's room and laid on the couch/bench they had. I must have stayed there for about 30 minutes, on the phone with my mom, crying. I also wanted to give everyone a chance to say good-bye to my dad. I wanted to be alone with him and curl up next to him and hold his hand one last time.
I finally went back into the room. I think it was only Pisano and I in the room, maybe my cousin as well. I don't remember. I just remember I curled back up next to him and cried. I played music, "Can't Help Falling in Love", because he used to sing that song to me. I played "What a Wonderful World" because we danced to that song at my wedding.
I remember going out of his room again, Feng's boys, Yu and Yan had come into the room to say good-bye again. I went and sat in the waiting room with Pisano, held comforted me. We talked, that my dad was in a better place and because I needed to hear it from him, I asked him if my dad loved me. He laughed and said that was a silly question. I explained that the last few years had been hard and how I felt so I just needed him to tell me. He said yes, he loved you. He said my dad was unique and made decisions that we may not have agreed with but that is what made my dad who he was. I agreed.
I had to sign some paperwork though at some point. I remember Feng kept asking what we needed to do. I told her to just go home and take care of herself, that everything had been taken care of. This I would recommend to anyone in this situation. Fill out as much paperwork as you can prior to your loved one dying. Once he or she passes, the last thing you'll want to do is sit down and figure everything out. From there, I went back into his room and cuddled again. His body was getting colder and colder. Pisano finally told me I could not stay forever, which I knew was true. So I said my goodbye and left.
I felt relieved that my dad had died because I did not want him to stay the way he was. I knew he wouldn't want it either. My heart just breaks though. I miss him so very much. Now that it's been 6 days, I feel like the pain is getting worse, things are setting in. The realization he is gone is there. Today, my heart really hurts and I do not want to get out of bed. I just want to sleep, I am exhausted. I miss my dad, I want my dad here, I need my dad.

Day 2

Last night was rough. My dad has sleep apnea and has a hard time breathing laying down anyway. So it made his breathing extremely raspy and I thought that he may not make it through the night. His oxygen level was down to 65 as well. He was pale, his lips, and finger tips were blue. I slept almost all night; however, I would wake up to make sure he was still alive. That is a horrible feeling. There was one time that I did wake up and I couldn't hear him breathing, his hand was so hot, and I thought he had passed away. Then I heard him breathe.

At about 8 am this morning, I had my back turned toward the door. When I turned around, Pisano was standing there. My heart just filled with comfort, a man who has known my dad for most of his life. A man that, even though I have not spend hours and hours with him, is a man I know would be there for me, just as my own father. Pisano was in Vietnam with my dad. They have remained amazingly great friends ever since. Within 24 hours of my call to Pisano, he booked a flight to come see my dad. For that, I am forever greatful. My dad has always told me that if there is anything I ever need, to call Pisano and he will be there for me. Because I am my father's daughter and that is what they do for each other.


When Pisano went to my dad's side, he spoke to him and I really believe my dad was responding to him. Pisano already has an appointment with the VA on Tuesday to get clarification on services and burial/cremation benefits for us.

I found out later that Amber, my cousin, was 3 hours south of Fairbanks and would be on her way as well. It was nice to know I would have family around as well. Throughout the day, there was not much change. They took him off oxygen because it was only prolonging his life and I did not want that. The nurses worked with me to protect Feng from feeling guilty of anything. In her culture, they bring the person home to care for him or her, prolonging life, until the person passes away. Obviously in our culture, most would rather die than live a life that is not really who s/he is.

My dad is a fighter and me started to sleep peacefully. He made it through the night and into day 3.

day 1

I arrived in Fairbanks at about 1:45 am on Friday, June 22. Feng's boys picked me up and we went straight to the hospital. Let me back up by saying Thursday was a tough day and by the time my flight left, I splet from PHX to SEA and SEA to FAI. Anyways, I got to the hospital and he was in bed, sleeping. He is snoring so he's in a deep sleep. He's hooked up to morphine and gets an anxiety med for when he gets restless. For the most part, he seems to be pain free. When the nurses move him from side to side, he tends to get aggitated and it seems somewhat painful for him. That is when he gives himself a shot of morphine. Yeah....seriously, these laws are freaking RIDICULOUS! {no worries, he can do it cuz I make sure he is able to}.

Every couple of hours he opens his eyes and tries to lift his body up. I hold his hand, kiss his forhead, and tell him to relax, it is going to be ok. His face is starting to look a little more pale this afternoon. His blood pressure was low, blood sugar was not quite under 50 but close. This morning it was more like 70. His oxygen {levels or something like that} were about 70 (that was this evening). I hope this means he is coming closer to the end. Not that I want him to die but I don't want him to lay here this way for weeks on ends. His legs are not swollen, but his hands are now. The veins in his right arm are not working for the iv. So the IV has been moved to his left arm. The nurses have been amazing! I wish the staff on now could stay here until I leave.

Tonight, a priest came in and said a prayer for him. I told him we wanted to wait on his last rights (is that the name of the prayer)? He said it was simlar. He also mentione that he was an ex-Marine and that he was honored to be here with dad. He said that dad was a true American hero. I could not be more porud of my dad!!!

So for now, though we wait and keep him confortable.

the grief cycle, is numb first?

i can't describe how i feel right now. the only word is numb. you know, the feeling when you just can't feel, can't talk, and stare like you have no idea what is going on? that is how i feel.

someone told me "i think your dad's situation is affecting you more than you know". yeah, it is. last i checked he was dying and i think that means there is a part of me that will die too.

tonight, i got the call. a call from a doctor, an intensivist. do you know what that is? he's a doctor in the ICU unit. i relate to him as the last doctor that paula had, before she died. to me, an intensivist is not good. and tonight, he called me.

tonight, he told me that my dad was being admitted back into the hospital. that he sat down with feng to decide what to do with my dad. feng said she cannot take care of him at home. the only facility that he can go to is in anchorage, this is something my dad would not want, me either. they discussed putting him in a hospice bed. they discussed my dad's wishes that his life not be prolonged. they discussed giving him morphine to keep him comfortable. he {the doctor} told me 4-16 days.

i called feng. i told her i would fly out tomorrow. she told me that had asked the doctor to call me, to explain my dad's situation. she said the doctor needs a decision by tomorrow. i'm confused. i thought we had a decision. she told me she does not think my dad will die tomorrow or the next day or even next week. again, i am confused. i talked to feng again. she feels guilty. she does not want him to die. i feel bad for her. i feel bad for me. i tell her she did everything she could. i tell her he would not want to live this way. i tell her i will tell the doctor to let him die, because i know that is what my dad would want me to do. i love my dad.

i called the hospital back to speak with the doctor. the doctor called me again. we discussed what was best for my dad. i leave in 48 hours. i told him when i get there, i will not leave the hospital. he said that is fine. normally they do not allow people overnight but this is an exception. i said good because i wouldn't leave no matter what. i am leaving to spend the last few days with my dad. to say goodbye. to tell him over and over how much i love him. to tell him that through it all, he was a great dad. he is a dad i am proud to call my father. i do not want my dad to live like this. i can't handle seeing him this way. a man who is strong, a man, who the doctor asked me 'was he a marine, he looks like one'. yes, he was a marine. the doctor said, 'he's a strong man and if it wasn't for his liver failing, he would be healthy'.

so right now, i think i hate the world but i do not feel anger yet. i know it will come. i know all the emotions that will come. why? because i've been though this before when paula died but this time, it's not my best friend, someone who was like my sister, this time it's my father. the man i leaned on and looked up to. the man i loved unconditionally. the man that i always tried to make proud of me. the man i would talk to on the phone as a little girl and would tell him i loved him more. he would return that with i love you more. and so it would go on.

please keep him and me and feng in your prayers. that is all for now.

Phone calls

My phone calls to my dad can be comical or sad. I guess it depends on how you look at it or what kind of mind frame I am in.

I'm sitting on the phone right now with my dad. He told me he loved me. I asked if he loved me a little or a lot and he said a lot. Then, I asked if he was proud of me and he said yes. Then, he just disappeared. He didn't hang up the phone because I can hear background noise. I can only assume the phone is in his lap and he's just sitting there, maybe asleep. I'm laughing, making noises, whistling, trying to get Lynkin to bark, anything to get his attention. So, he comes back to the phone, I say "Dad", he says "I can't hear you now" then he's gone again....

Tonight I can smile. I love this man so much. {I just heard him say 'oooooh'} so the phone must be sitting near him. And you know what, I will take every moment I can, just listening to the background noise near him because one day, I won't be able to have this. So I'm going to soak up every moment I can with my dad, even if he doesn't say anything at all.

encephalopathy

I don't even know where to begin to pronounce the word... nor do I care to. It is what my dad has now. I researched when my dad was confused and I came across this word many times. So I knew it was a chance and I thought I was prepared. What really can prepare you... to know your dad's mind is fading. He's 63 years old, so you don't really concern yourself with your parent showing signs of a brain malfunction. Basically, because his liver is failing, his body does not release the toxins and they form in the blood. This eventually leads to the impairment of the brain. I should state there are different types of encephalopathy, my dad has hepatic encephalopathy. The symptoms include, sleeping during the day (reversal of the normal sleep pattern), irritability, inability to concentrate or perform calculations, loss of memory, confusion, and eventually causes coma and death (information from medicinenet.com)
I found this out today. After I spoke with the neurologist. I then went back into my meeting, to concentrate but couldn't. After work, I stayed to look up that e word and the above is what I found. I sat there, numb. I was prepared, I knew that he probably wouldn't go back to "normal", that his mind would stay in this unclear state. I cried.

As I read through the symptoms though, I realize that 3 years ago, even more, my dad slept more during the day than at night. His sleep patterns were always sporadic, because of PTSD. I just figured that was why he was awake all night and slept during the day. Why didn't I realize this back then! Maybe he already knew that he was in the beginning stages of E. As for irritability, I remember back to the end of my bachelor's degree program... spring of 2008, my dad started acting different. One night, he got completely upset with me because he called while I was in the middle of a team paper and I was totally stressed out. I asked him if I could call back the next night and he just lost it. I remember thinking, what the heck is wrong! He even called my mom telling her there was something wrong with me. He was crying. Was this a sign? I knew back then something was wrong but I thought... honestly thought, that maybe his doctor had told him he was dying and he wasn't telling me. But now, I think that it was this E word... it had started to affect him. My dad never shared with me what was going on with him. This... this explains so much if what I think, back in 2008 was the beginning of hepatic encephalopathy.

So what happens now? It sounds like it will just get worse. Eventually, from my readings, he will go into a coma, then death. This disease is horrid. I did not think that there was a worse way to die than dying from cancer but cirrhosis is just as bad. Please, please, please... keep my dad in your prayers. For comfort, for peace. I love him so very, very much.

Father's Day

Today, I miss my dad. As Feng puts it, "his mind is confused". I plan to call him today and the bonus will be if he realizes it's actually me on the phone. The extra bonus will be if he understands what I am saying. I took a lot of years for granted. I never imagined my dad would be the way he is today, I thought he'd always be there. I believe he knows how much I love him though. I was blessed to have spend last week with him to repeat over and over how much I loved him.

Happy Father's Day Daddy! I love you more....

Leaving

Today was a tough day for my dad. He did not want to take a shower and I am not sure if I pushed him to hard (not literally) to take one. He kept pushing his walker with all his strength to get past me. He then went to his knees and used his head to push me out of the way. I really thought he'd just give up and take a shower but he wouldn't. After the ordeal, he was exhausted. He's been asleep for the day and he is more confused than he has been. He went to the kitchen, thinking it was the bathroom. It kills me to see him like this and I feel guilty for trying so hard to have him take a shower. Maybe if I had not been as stubborn as him, he wouldn't be so exhausted and out of it right now. Then again, maybe he would be.

He didn't go to his doctor's appointment again today. Feng and I tried and tried but he just kept saying no. I went to his appointment anyway and this time I was late. Some care manager explained it would be better if I spoke with a social worker and so I did. Speaking with her did not help my dad but it helped me. I wanted them to know that he's a good man. That he's not some crazy alcoholic like the nurse practioner made him sound like from the notes. I told this woman that he was a proud man. That his entire life, he took care of everyone and he did things himself. I told her that he was sweet and smiled and that he was in pain from this disease. I told her that he drank when he came back from the war to forget about what happend. That throughout most of my life, he didn't drink and if he did, he drank O'Doul's. I told her after the B left, that yes, he did drink but it was, again, to forget. I explained if he was an alcoholic, I would admit to it but he is not. I told her I wanted him to have a doctor with some sort of compation. When I left, I felt better. I know there is nothing anyone can do for my dad but it does not make this any easier. He is a man with a good heart and has always had the best intentions. He loves his family and would give his shirt off his back for someone, he is loyal. I am pretty sure that is where I get my loyalty from, my mom as well. I have the best and the worst of the both of them but all in all, I think I am most like my father with a little bit of my mother to balance me out.

When I leave for the airport in a few hours, I am not sure how I will be. This could very well be the last time I see my dad and that is hard. How do I leave? How do I say goodbye, knowing this could be it. I will keep in my heart his grin, the one he makes when I say "I love you", when I tell him he is discombobulated, then proceeds to laugh, a little. The grin he makes when you repeat back to him "God Damn It" or "you are a pain in the ass". He used to tell me all the time I was a pain in the ass and now I reciprocate his words. He smiles at me with that grin and says yes.

More with dad....

So when I was little, probably around the age of 5 or maybe even 6, I remember my dad pouring water on me to wake me up. He was living in Arizona at the time and we had just gotten home. I must have been asleep and would not wake up. I remember being in the garage, on the floor. My dad told me to get up or he would dump a bucket of water on me. Apparently, I did not get up because I remember that bucket of water being dumped on me. As I think back now, maybe I wasn't asleep, maybe I was throwing a tantrum because how else would I have gotten from the truck to the floor in the garage! hmmmmm.....

Well today was pay back day. Dad's been sleeping all day. He's definitely very tired. He still needs to take his medicine and he really needs to get in the shower. First, I tried to get him up to get a shower but he will not go. He keeps asking why he has to take a shower. I told him because he is dirty and he smells. He says "I don't want to take a shower" so I tell him too bad, when I was little, I didn't want to take one either but you made me! He gets a grin on his face as he lays in his chair with his eyes closed. This goes on and on. I pull the blanket off him and he immediately raised up saying "HEY". Guess what, he's still not in the shower! So, now we are on to finishing his medicine. He tells me that he has taken all of his medicine and he's not taking anymore today. I told him he has not taken it all, he only took 2 pills. We go back and forth. I ask him why I would lie to him and he says "because you are". So, I told him if he doesn't sit up to take his medicine, I will pour water on him. He just lays there. I start to tip the water, knowing I won't drip much on him and I warn him the water is coming. He does not move. So, the water (like a whole 3 drops) hits his shoulder and he immediately sits and and says "HEY". I told him pay backs are a bitch and he needs to take his medicine. He just looks at me with a grin on his face. Yeah, he still has not taken his medicine. I know he needs to but he is so dang stubborn! I'll try again after Feng gets back from bringing him food. Even though it's so hard to see him this way, he still makes me laugh and these are the moments that I will always cherish!

All for a can of peaches

So over the last couple of days, he has not communicated very much. However, he can be very clear when he is not happy about something. First and foremost, he wants to do everything on his own. Friday night, he went into the kitchen. He kept going to the refrigerator, opening the door, then shutting it. He would go back to his chair. 20 minutes later, he was back. He finally sat down at the kitchen table. I showed him a can of peaches and asked if he wanted some. He just looked at me. He then grabbed the box that contained the canned peaches. Apparently, he felt he needed to open the box so he started tearing it down the side. I stopped him and I got "God Damn It", then angrily puts his hands down as though he's fed up. I explain that the box is already open and show him as I pull out a can. He proceeds to take out 3 cans of peaches. I stop him and he gets frustrated with me again. Now it's time to open the can. I give him a fork and he starts to push the fork into the can. Apparently he must think if he pushes hard enough, it will open. I try to explain if he turns the can over, we can open it by pulling the top off. He says no, we can't open it that way. So I tell him to watch and he gets mad again. Then, he lowers his head as though he is pouting. This makes me laugh. I tell him to stop getting mad and to stop pouting! Again, I tell him to stop pouting and watch. He looks up to see the peaches are open and has two cans!

Trying so hard

I went to the VA clinic to talk with the doctor about my dad's condition. If I remember correctly, I swear she said she's a nurse practitioner. What the blessed hell... I need to remember to ask why he is not seeing an actual doctor. Maybe it's because there is really nothing more they can do for him. What I find interesting is that I asked questions she did not know the answers to. My my dad had been seeing a civilian doctor therefore, she assumed that the civilian doctor had run the tests I had asked about. I asked if she would like me to have his medical records sent over and instead, she is going to run tests herself (which is good). My dad has been seeing this doctor/nurse for at least a year. I wish a year ago he would have allowed me to go into the doctor's office with him because I would have researched and asked these questions then. Why is it that someone without a medical degree can ask questions that these people who are professionals should know. It's all over google! He has an appointment on Monday, June 13 and I will definitely ask some more questions then. Starting with where the HELL is a DOCTOR at!
Reality is though, there is still nothing an actual doctor can do. My dad is still drinking and therefore, he was cancelled from the liver transplant list. I don't understand where his drinking came from. When I was really young, I remember he had crown royal bags around, so maybe he did drink back then. I guess I am pretty sure he did. As I got a little older though, for most of my life, he drank O'Douls and when the B**** left, he did start drinking again. So I really have no idea what kind of drinking he did. I felt like this nurse just assumed he was some sort of alcoholic and that pissed me off! He's not, maybe in some way he is, but I know my dad and he could/would quit if he was coherent and wanted to. I believe for him, drinking helps with his PTSD. Not that it's ok, but when someone from the VA wants to assume he's an alcoholic, they can go screw themselves because the war is what caused PTSD, Diabetes 2, and cirrhosis of the liver. At this point though, it's my dad who needs to make changes. He's a stubborn man and with his situation now, it's highly unlikely to happen.
Last night, he kept trying to drink beer. I started crying and told him it would kill him. He just looked at me with a blank stare {which is what he's done for the past two days}. I don't know if he understood what I was saying or not; however, he finally started drinking water and 24 hours later, he still has not had a beer. Maybe it's wishful thinking that he understood me but I would like to think he did!
Everyone keeps saying to cherish the time I'm with him and I am. It's hard though when he is pretty much asleep all day and night. When he is awake, he just stares and does not talk. Over the last two days, he has not really said anything to me. He did tell me twice that he loved me, and that was after I said it to him. I am thankful for that, very much thankful!
Last night, as I was crying, I told him I wanted to have a conversation with him, that I wanted him to talk to me. A few minutes later, he tried his hardest to talk to me. His words make no sense but I know he tried and that is all that matters to me. I miss talking to him. I miss him understanding what I say. He's a good man and his heart is always in the right place. I wish more than anything, I could make him better and no longer in pain.

Liver Failure

I just arrived in Alaska tonight so I can go to the doctor with my dad. Some of you may be aware that he has cirrhosis of the liver. While growing up, I did not live with my dad but I honestly do not remember him drinking much. He actually drank O'doul's, which was a 'fake beer'. So how did he get cirrhosis? There are facts that state Agent Orange, which was a herbicide sprayed during the Vietnam War can be the cause of liver failure. The VA has not acknowledged that the dioxin could cause cirrhosis of the liver. I've read several forums of Vietnam Vet's who were exposed to Agent Orange and now have cirrhosis of the liver and the VA still denies this. The VA tells them it is due to drinking. The men state that they have not drank or rarely drink. But here's another bright idea good ole VA.... many of them drink because of PTSD! Hello.... men came home at the age of 20 and put sandbags around their house to protect their family. America's spit on these men, protested against them. There was no support back then..... so yeah, maybe they did turn to drinking to forget! Now, I am not against supporting our military at all. In fact, I 100% support them. I'm just extremely disappointed in how our Vietnam Vets were treated and it sickens me that 40 years later, they are still fighting for what they deserve. I, for one, will more than likely lose my father because of that war. I was fortunate he returned home and I had many years with him. But in reality, I am shafted because he should not be dying!

So for now, I am sad, heartbroken, angry, mad, and mostly cherishing every moment I have with my dad!

My dad.... 5th Force Recon, USMC

Favorite Easter Memory

I was reminiscing in my mind back to my favorite Easter memory. I think I was about 11 years old. We used to go to my aunt and uncle's house for a little Easter egg hunt and family time. We were all getting older and so the parental's decided to get a little creative with the egg hunt: we had a scavenger hunt.

Now we have to go back to a conversation that , my grandmother was having with my older cousin Ronni and myself (I don't remember when we actually had this conversation but it was definitely before that Easter day). I also don't remember the entire conversation but it was about boys. My grandma said something about being careful because boys can get "a rising sun". Now remember, I mentioned I was young, and I had no clue what this term meant. So, I got the break down of "a rising sun". {oh the innocence}

Back to that Easter day.... my Great Uncle Ray, who was probably in his late 60's, maybe 70's was enjoying that day with us. Let me just say... I loved my Uncle Ray very much. He was just the amazing "old" man and had a very kind heart. Anyways, one of my clues to find an egg was "Look for the rising sun". Oh my... I must have blushed like no other. I finally found the egg, as my Uncle Ray had it in his lap.

I think of that day and it makes me smile.

If you want me to...

Let's just say it's still been a rocky couple of months in my life but I think the wave has crashed and I am slowly looking at the horizon and trying my hardest to hold on to hope. From sad, to hurt, to anger, to stress, back to sad, then anger again, and finally just pure stress with sometimes a laugh or two... it seems like every aspect of my life has been hit. Like that quote "when it rains, it pours". Well, there is hail and ironically, it feels like hell. Today though, I had a little "come to God" moment. Edward {yes, that Edward} and I were on a road trip and I put in Third Day. {whenever I hear Third Day, I think of him... he likes them and so do I}. He made a comment how he really needs to find a church again because when he was attending church before, it was the happiest he'd ever been. It made me think.... yes, he's right. Then I put in Ginny {Owens} - If you want me to - {song}. If any of you have heard the version of this on the Night at Rocketown CD, you've heard Ginny talk about her trails that she endured while trying to find a teaching job. Apparently, she realized that we are all going to endure trials; however, it's how we handle the trials that matters. I realized, I need to give these trials to God and trust in Him. I need to find Him again though. I need to believe.... again. Oh- and maybe not be so angry at some of the previous trails I've had {you know like losing my best friend 7 years ago and taking her from the lives of her 2 daughters}. So that is what I am going to try and do. I'm going to try and find Him. That makes me happy no matter what else is going on. That brings me a since of peace. He makes me feel that way.... not the one I love, you know the other him that has made me feel so broken because he needs some time to get through his own trails. So maybe if I can bring peace to my heart, the other part of my heart... the one that aches over him... will heal. Wish me luck!

Really....

So I'm suppose to go back to DC for the weekend.

Instead, I may be fighting a cold.

Give a girl a break... someone, anyone?

Global Warming???

Snow... the end of Feb... on the Superstition Mountains?

Kinda crazy

Of course 3 hours later when it was gone, the craziness subsided

Who would have thought that there'd be snow so close to Phoenix twice in one year!

Today, I was out picking up a couple of things... for me.

I felt kind of guilty, so I stopped at PetSmart

and picked up a couple of little gifts for Lynkin

Character

I always try to do my best. Treat others respectfully.

It's true, when I get mad/hurt/angry {key word is hurt} I often lash out. Say things that, well basically are true but should not be said. Everyone has faults and it basically comes down to what you are willing to put up with.

I think that for the most part, I put up with quite a bit. I give the other person the benefit of the doubt. I put the other person before me. For the most part, I would go above and beyond for someone that I truly care about.

Now though, I'm tired. I'm tired of being taken advantage of. I'm tired of excuses. Is it so hard to ask for another person to be upfront and honest? Apparently, it is. Even at work, I listen to sorry excuses everyday.

I think that sometimes people do not say the truth because they think they are protecting the other person. In the end, the person being lied to or protected, ends up getting hurt.

I don't believe in giving up on things....

{just a random photo from of the Washington Monument}

Playdate

Tomorrow... this boy

is going to his grandma's

for a morning playdate

24Jan11

So I feel like everything I have blogged lately seems to be negative. A spiralling tornado to a sad ending and that is not how I want to be perceived. How do you pull yourself out of something that feels like you are hanging on the edge of a cliff and no one is there to pull you up? Your feet just dangling.... oy vey!

Then, I remembered one of Angie's post from her blog:

today what mattered most was.... she talked about staying home, loving on her kids, a conversation with her adorable man, sonic ice... and I realized, even though some things make my day NOT as happy as I would like, there are still many things that do make my day good...


So, today what mattered most to me...

~I have a job, a job that gives me some flexibility and helps to pay my mortgage
~spending time and cuddling with Lynkin
~I have lost over 5 lbs in the last week and a half
~plans to go back to DC and spend time with Erika
~my hair is dark {again and forever}
~THIS message from a "student" I enrolled into school "Jennifer I would have never been able to survive these last four years without you. You have helped me achieve something I never thought possible. Be happy!!" She has since become a friend, one I have not met yet, but one I will always cherish.
~Finally, I am able to see my mistakes and learn from them...

So God, I've been asking you to help me through each day and you have. When all is said and done, you are what has mattered most.

Tomorrow will be another day, something else to look forward to!

Peace~

1st day at the dogpark

Lynkin just stood around, walked up to other people to get some affection, and finally wandered off because there was a ball or two being thrown around! My favorite was looking over at a boy who had his arms wrapped around Lynkin. He was giving him a hug and a kiss. I heart this dog!

Lynkin's Graduation

Lynkin graduated from obedience school...

He's such a chill dog that we really do not have any problems. There are a few little things we can work on but for the most part, he's seriously an amazing dog! I'm not sure how I got so lucky but God must have known I would need such a great little guy in my life. He doesn't chew my house up. He's not hyper and does not jump all over the place. He barely barks. He loves to cuddle. When I leave for a couple hours, I put him in his crate. When I come home, he usually stays in the crate and just looks at me. My favorite thing about him so far, is when he is so excited and does a little jump while he is running. I couldn't love him more!

Sara Evans - A Little Bit Stronger

2011

The last few months have brought good and bad. How does it seem that the 1 bad out weighs all the good? And why doesn't the good make me happier? Because when your heart fills broken, not much can heal it... just time.
So here are the things that I am thankful for:
1) My dad is on a waiting list for a liver transplant {he's also doing better with acupuncture, massage therapy, and herbal medicines}
2) I have the best puppy in the world! He's totally chill, has not damaged my house, and he makes my heart smile on my sad days.
3) Friendships that I have thought were lost have returned. First Heather, then Erika, and finally Angie, (we found each other again through FB). Each of these women have been through various situations in my life and now, as I am nearing 40, my heart is yet broken again, and I could possibly be entering a mid-life crisis, are each back in my life. It makes me think back to the email that goes around about friends in your life for a reason, a season, and a lifetime (something like that). Getting together again is like there was never any time lost or any issues between us. I am very thankful for each of them. I'm thankful for all of my friends {and that means YOU!}.

I am thankful for my mothers unconditional love and her health, my house, surviving my MBA and continuing my education. I am blessed with a job and even though there are days I am just burnt out, I do enjoy it along with the people I work with.

So all in all, I am very blessed.

The Vietnam Veterans Memorial....
My entire life, I was intrigued by the Vietnam War. I have come to realize it was what tied me to my father. My dad was in the 5th Force Recon {Marine Corps} and was in Vietnam from 1968-1969. The stories he has told me throughout my life and him not living in Arizona made my obsession with this war, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, and Agent Orange. For as long as I can remember, I wanted to go to Washington, D.C. to see The Wall. This first photo was my first view of the Wall. I cannot even explain my emotions. By the time I found the Wall, I had already seen the Washington Memorial, WWII Memorial, Reflecting Pool, the White House, and had been lost through the streets of D.C. for about 4 hours. But this, this memorial is why I started my adventure that day... to see the Wall, by myself, and feel the emotions I knew I would have. I envisioned seeing flags, letters, teddy bears, letters, but nothing was left next to the wall that day; however, wedged between two panels was this braclet "Bring them Home Now".
The reflection of the Wall is amazingly beautiful... but the amount of names listed is unbelievable. In my research, I found "The latest names added in 2010, brought the number of names on the black granite Wall to 58,267" and "the Memorial is dedicated to the 2.7 million men and women in the U.S. military who served in the designated war zone".
As I walked down past each panel, it was a bittersweet feeling. A feeling of being thankful to these men and woman for the sacrafices they made for us. A feeling of saddness that children grew up without their fathers/mothers because their names were now on this wall because of their sacrafice. Anger for this war taking something from the young soldiers who fought, for those who live still today and are still suffering from this war that ended 35 years ago. Anger at how the soldiers who did come home were treated. It makes me sick to think that people spit on them, looked down on them, that our own government did not accept that there were issues these men and women came home with. When my dad came home from Vietnam, he filled sandbags and put them around his mom's house to protect his family from the enemy. He was 21 years old when he came home. When I was younger, it seemed like he was "such a man" for going off to war but as I grow older, I realize, he was just a kid.

My father, after 40 years, still suffers from PTSD and has medical conditions that have come from the war (medicial conditions due to Agent Orange). Even though I am very blessed, and my father survived the war, after all these years, the war is killing him. That makes me angry! We think that when the soldiers come home, we are lucky. They are alive and hopefully, there will not be medical conditions later due to chemicals but because of the chemicals our government sprayed on the foilage in Vietnam during this war, my father is dying. He's not alone either.

"If you are able, save for them a place inside of you and save one backward glance when you are leaving for the places they can no longer go.
Be not ashamed to say you loved them, though you may or may not have always. Take what they have taught you with their dying and keep it with your own.
And in that time when men decide and feel safe to call the war insane, take one moment to embrace those gentle heroes you left behind."
~Major Michael Davis O'Donnell1 January 1970Dak To, VietnamListed as KIA February 7, 1978

Lynkin's 1st Christmas

I have to say, I was very blessed to have found this little guy! He's totally chill, loves to cuddle, nothing major is chewed up {knock HARD on wood everywhere!}. That could be due to the fact he is totally spoiled and has a basket full of toys! I just seriously love him and I am excited to spend how many years as possible with this little guy!

Lynkin's first Christmas ornament! Thanks Auntie Erika!!!

Some of his toys and a great big yummy treat!
Lynkin's first stocking...

The White House

I've always imagined the White House.... well, not surrounded by buildings!

Let's back up here... I went to visit Erika in DC (Alexandria, VA). Across the street from her apartment is the Metro. So when I flew in, late Thursday night, I knew I'd be on my own for Friday. My plan was to take the Metro and check out the memorials. The next three days we'd spend venturing out together. I cross the street to the metro and realize it's completely different than the L in Chicago or Metro in Rome. I now need to figure out where I am exactly and where I am going. Finally, I'm on my way. {By the way... the DC Metro, the blue and yellow lines will run the same track and same with the green, red, and orange}. I arrive to my destination, to see the Vietnam Memorial Wall! I figure it cannot be too hard to find once I get off the metro but it seems the people I ask have no clue where the memorials are. HELLO DC... the memorials are kind of big! I find a security officer and she gives me directions and tells me it's going to be a long walk, a really long walk! I go straight to 21st St. Take a left to E St. Keep walking to 17th St. All of a sudden, sirens go off and a police car is stopping traffic to my right! Police officers are crossing into the street and to my right, traffic is being stopped by another police car. Police on motorcycles come from across the street! Two men behind me are telling the police officer their hands are out of their pockets!!! I look at the police officer and tell him I am new to let me know what to do. He says to just stay where I am. Behind me, the two men are talking and I begin to realize this I may actually live. I ask this nice police officer, who does not even smile the entire time, if it's a photo opportunity and he says "probably". So I take out my camera {yes, from my purse and I assure you that police office watched the entire time as I was reaching into my purse}. I quickly snap a photo of this....... I did not even realize the car had passed because once I put the camera down, I was too intrigued by all of the secret service vehicles, which were following this car....

The nice men behind me explain this is not the President, could be the Vice President or someone else. Meanwhile, I still have no idea where I am at and my only goal at this point is the Vietnam Wall! I have seen the top of the Washington Memorial so I know I am getting close but being my first time to DC, I do not have my bearings yet. Once I am able to keep walking, I turn to look back and there is the White House!

Stand.....

It always comes back to this....

You feel like a candle in a hurricane
Just like a picture with a broken frame
Alone and helpless
Like you've lost your fight
But you'll be alright, you'll be alright

Cause when push comes to shove
You taste what you're made of
You might bend, till you break
Cause its all you can take
On your knees you look up
Decide you've had enough
You get mad you get strong
Wipe your hands shake it off
Then you Stand,
Then you stand

Life's like a novel
With the end ripped out
The edge of a canyon
With only one way down
Take what you're given before its gone
Start holding on, keep holding on
Cause when push comes to shove
You taste what you're made of
You might bend till you break

Cause it's all you can take
On your knees you look up
Decide you've had enough
You get mad, you get strong
Wipe your hands, shake it off
Then you stand, then you stand

Everytime you get up
And get back in the race
One more small piece of you
Starts to fall into place


I really need to start just writing my thoughts in a journal instead of posting through a song on here... but over the last couple of months, I have nothing happy to write about, except Lynkin. He makes me happy and tonight... he gets to sleep on my bed because he's unconditional.

Collide

The dawn is breaking
A light shining through
You're barely waking
And I'm tangled up in you, yeah

I'm open, you're closed
Where I follow, you'll go
I worry I won't see your face
Light up again

Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the wrong words seem to rhyme
Out of the doubt that fills my mind
I somehow find you and I collide

I'm quiet you know
You make a first impression
I've found I'm scared to know
I'm always on your mind

Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the stars refuse to shine
Out of the back you fall in time
I somehow find you and I collide

Don't stop here
I lost my place
I'm close behind

Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the wrong words seem to rhyme
Out of the doubt that fills your mind
You finally find you and I collide

You finally find you and I collide
You finally find you and I collide

~Howie Day

I love him

but sometimes,

it just hurts too bad.

Candy Anyone?

New house, kid neighborhood... you'd think A LOT of trick or treaters, right? WRONG!

I had about 10 kids.....

Maybe next year will be a little more Halloweenish around here!


Oh... and Lynkin did great going to the door with me. :)
I LOVE him! :)

20 years

So this weekend was my 20 year reunion...

did I go? No

20 years ago, I never thought I'd be here. I thought by now I'd be married and have kids, be a mom. The type of mom I read about on blog after blog. It's all I ever wanted. But things don't end up the way we want. For some reason, God really enjoys letting me know things don't turn out the way we want or hope for. I keep waiting for the lesson I'm suppose to learn. Maybe the boat keeps passing by and I don't see it because it's smaller than I thought, but I really just don't see the light at the end of the tunnel here.

I would give anything in the world for those I care about but it seems that in return I can't even get half. I don't expect the same in return, maybe that is my problem. I'm "too emotional" or "too girl" but you know what... at least I am loyal, caring, and trustworthy. Maybe I should lie, not give a crap, cheat, not go above and beyond to treat the person I care about like he is the greatest thing that walks on this earth. Then I wouldn't care and I wouldn't be "too girl".

If anyone knows a doctor who can take out a girls emotions, let me know... I think it could help!

Playtime

Lynkin is getting braver and braver. Here he is playing with my mom's dog, Bella. He's holding his own when playing with her now. They have definitely been entertaining us for the last couple of days!

Human chew toy

I tried to get a good video of Lynkin attacking me! He goes straight for my hands so I'll roll on my stomach and hide my hands and face. He'll start scratching at my head and biting my hair!

Lynkin

I am 100% in LOVE with this little guy...

Coach Shoes and their new home...

My shoes... in their new home!

I LOVE... LOVE... LOVE.. these shoes. I thought about them 6 weeks prior to purchasing them because I knew I was going to buy a house and knew I should save my money. Finally, I gave in. I figured when I actually had the house, I wouldn't be able to afford them like I could at that point. A friend kept giving me a hard time about the shoes so I had to take a photo of them by theirselves in the closet. They now have friends and look absolutely HOT in my house... Yep, super glad I bought the shoes when I did!

{p.s. the baseboards were not done when the photos were taken}

The House

I still need to decorate and take better photos but here is a sneak peak...

Master Bedroom looking into the Master Bath. The carpet and paint is new. Still in the moving stages... Kitchen and Family Room.



Guest Bath... I wanted it to match my pillow case, so my painter took the pillow case down to match the color. This came out darker than I expected but I actually really like it. I still want to add some pink and brown accents in the bathroom... just need to find what I want!

Laundry Room... what a nightmare! I wanted the front loaders and I got them. However, they didn't fit at first. I had to have my painter move the vent to the dryer so we could put the closet doors on (yes, the one thing I don't love about this house is I do not have a laundry room... it's just in the hall). Well, he moved the vent to push the dryer back; however, I just realized today... that I have to manuever the soap dispenser past the open closet door and the dryer door doesn't open all the way. I need to move the dryer over! Basically... I need a handyman to put on different doors or something... I still LOVE my washer and dryer though!

So, that's a sneak peak. When I get more organized and some things up on the walls, I'll take more photos and post. I think the funniest thing is Max though. I really think he likes the house but he's always just wandering around, like he's lost or something. Because of all the tile, it echo's in the house and when I call his name, he looks the other way. Keep in mind, he's 14-1/2 so that does not help! The last couple days, I've gone in the pool for a couple of hours. The pool has a gate around it and Max keeps coming outside and walking around the yard, then goes back inside. He'll even stick his head out the doggie door. Cracks me up! Not the best photo but here's a quick look at the happiness of a dog in his new home!

House

Tomorrow, it will be official......