Saturday, July 30, 2011

6 days later

Everything is pretty much taken care of. I have his ashes {Feng has half, I have half}. I have photos, documents, the things that he showed me year after year and told me stories about. I will come home with 3 bags and 1 personal bag. All of my father. I will come home with a heart half whole. Last night, I fell asleep about 5 pm. I woke up at 6:15, went to have a pedicure and was asleep again around 10. I slept til about 12:30 PM (yes, over 12 hours). I've gotten up a few times today but I feel weak. I feel like I can't move. I feel empty and sad. My body shakes to get up. It's finally hitting me and I'm ready to go home.
The last two nights, I've had dreams. They haven't been good dreams, they are the dreams were you scream at people, you take your anger out. The first had Ethel in it and I probably cannot say on the internet what I was doing in the dream but it wasn't nice. Then I turned and my dad was there, I didn't see his face though but it was him. He just hugged me and told me it would be ok. Last night I had a dream about Feng. That her and I were fighting over things and it was just crazy. We made up in my dream. I am lucky that she is the person she is because I believe she and I want the best of each other and to make each other happy during this time. I think my dad would be happy with how our friendship has been. I feel guilty though because in the beginning, I just went and went to get everything taken care of. Now, I just want to be alone to grieve. Both are opposite of her culture. She wants to grieve, then take care of things. She has been very good with understanding that because I'm only here for awhile, we needed to get this stuff taken care of.
6 days later though, as I said, most everything is taken care of. The other things can wait or will be processed in time. I need to plan a service, that will be in Arizona but I'm not in a hurry. My dad hated the heat and August is like hell there. Maybe we'll have it in Sept so people can plan to attend and have enough time to get everything in order. Now, it's just time to go home, climb in bed, and wait a week until I go back to work. Until life starts again. For now though, I miss my dad with every part of my being.

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