Missing him always

It's been awhile since I have updated this blog... I didn't even do it on the 3 year anniversary of my dads passing. I went skydiving again that day! It was amazing, my way to celebrate his life once again. I'm doing better than I was 3+ years ago, better than I was a year ago, 18 months ago. I can laugh and smile and I know that is what he truly wanted...  my happiness. That is what mattered to him... that I was happy.
There are still days that I miss him terrible. There are days were my tears come and go quickly and other days it takes awhile longer to not feel that pain in my heart. Last night I had a dream. It was strange... I was with a friend whose husband was dying, then I was at his bedside and it was my dad. he was dying... again. Dang it! Tears just rolled down my cheeks and they didn't stop. I was heart broken and just told him I loved him... I do specifically remember telling him he left me with the devil too! ha- he said she's not that bad. He knows. But what I remember and what I woke up to was the ache in my heart of missing him. What I wouldn't do to pick up the phone and hear his voice. I never realized before that there are just certain things I only want to talk with my dad about. I love my mom with all my heart but still... there are moments I just want to talk with my dad.
Greif sucks... it does "get better" but it never goes away.
I love you dad and I miss you with every breath I take!

My dad- back in the day...

My jump on July 24, 2014

Papa

32 years ago today I experienced heart ache for the first time. My amazing grandpa (Papa) passed away, I was 10 year's old. I loved him dearly. He was the rock to our family and he was my favorite person! He played the harmonica, sang diddy's - Mr. Johhny Rebeck- that was my favorite. My mom has told me several times when I was about 4 years old, I'd wake up in the middle of the night and call him, yes at 3 in the morning. She'd taught me his phone number and I used it. I remember when he'd be gone for a job and call the house, how happy I was to talk with him. I'd go stay at Papa and grandma's house on the weekends and loved being with him. He taught me how to mix my vanilla ice cream with chocolate syrup. Back in the day, my mom would take me to the bar where he would be and I'd order a Shirley Temple- he'd make me an animal (I believe a pig) out of a lime. One day I didn't want to go to church so my grandma called him. Papa came and picked me up. We got ice cream and he drove me around Mesa, telling me stories of when my mom was younger. 

I think about him all the time and I know he's always been watching over me. These last few years, I've had the pleasure of spending time with my mom's cousins husband Newell. He's about Papa's age and it makes me realize that I really missed out. I sit and talk with Newell, he tells stories of WWII and I wish it was Papa sitting there telling me stories about his life, his WWII experiences. Even though I missed out, I am still extremely blessed because for a short time, I had this man in my life. He made an impression on me and I've always wanted to do my best to make him proud. I would like to think he'd be very proud of me today. I'd like to think that we'd be able to sit back, have a drink, and talk for hours and hours. I don't think I've ever heard anyone say a bad thing about this man. He was truly one of a kind. Love you always Papa!

Father's Day 2014

If you where still here, I'd have called you to wish you a Happy Father's Day. I'd tell you how much I love you and thank you for being an amazing dad. I'd tell you that you're my hero, my heart. I wouldn't yet know the pain I'd have from you not being here any more. So there would be a part of me that took it all for granted.

Today I've cried because I miss you so much. I also watched the video I made for your memorial service... I want my dad! I want you back! I want you here with me. I want to hear your voice and talk with you. It's just really not fair that you are not here with me. And it really, really sucks!

I love you Dad... Happy Father's Day!

Love,
your daughter :-)

I hate death

So for some reason, it seems like I'm really missing my dad. I think for the past 6 days I've just stopped in my tracks and cried at some point... because I miss him. Not sure why... I mean I miss him every day but something is drawing me to him right now. I've been taking a class on the Vietnam Era and maybe that is why. It's a constant reminder of him, the sacrifice he made, how it impacted not only his life but mine, and why he is no longer here. I hate that. I hate that he is gone. I hate I cannot call him or go see him. Grief sucks ass and it does get 'easier' as time goes on but man, this is ridiculous. I feel that emptiness more again. That yearning to just talk with him and be with him. I just want to be in Alaska with him. Talking to him about anything. Watching some football game or war movie. Having him drag me to the museum, even though I've been there a million times. Sitting in his office while he works. I wish I would have cherished those moments more. I wish I could hear his voice. I think he needs to come visit me in my dreams soon. I need to hug him and I need to hear him. I don't usually cuss on this site but seriously- FUCK Agent Orange and FUCK everything for taking my dad from me! Ok- my rant is done. I love you dad and I miss you every day, some days are harder than others! Love you more and always-

National Sibling Day

So apparently today is National Sibling Day.
I just saw a post by the Vietnam Veteran's Memorial that said

"Being brothers or sisters doesn't always mean you share the same last name."

It took me back to that morning in the hospital with my dad... when his best friend from Vietnam walked through that door. My dad had been sedated but was in and out of consciousness. When Pisano came over to the bed, my dad's eyes widened and he tried so hard to sit up. I knew he was happy to see his "brother". But as I sit here tonight I can't help but wonder what was going through his mind at that time. Did he realize that Pisano came to say goodbye? Did my dad know he was going to die? I can only imagine what these two men have been through together, they were in war together, a terrible war. They were in boot camp together, went through Recon together, and stayed together during the war. They had a tremendous amount of respect for one another and I'm certain there is nothing they would not have done for one another or each other's family. I grew up with the utmost respect for Pisano and that moment he walked through the door, I felt protected in this crazy sense but I also felt so much pride that he would travel all that way to say goodbye to my dad. My dad has siblings, they did not come. I know they would have if they'd have had the means to get there. But when Pisano walked through that door, it proved that family is more than blood. It proved the quote above:

"Being brothers or sisters doesn't always mean you share the same last name."

My dad and Pisano were brothers. I'm so thankful that I have witnessed what true, loyal friendship is about... what brotherhood is.

My dad is in the middle and Pisano has the white shirt on. 

The Journey is Worth the Ride

It's crazy to think that I'll never see him face to face here on this earth. I can't pick up the phone and call him. Even after 2-1/2 years, that is the one thing I want. After 2-1/2 years though, my days are so much easier to get through. I was driving home from work today and for whatever reason, I thought back to that early morning after my dad had passed away. I remember I finally fell asleep probably around 2 or 3 in the morning and I think I was up within about 2 hours. I was in a hotel and I went out to his house, opened the pick up of his truck and tried to curl up in it.. to somehow be closer to him. It was so cold but I didn't care, nothing mattered. My heart was dead. I decided to drive up to the lookout point in Fairbanks and I just sat and cried. I didn't think anything could ever get any worse than that moment. And honestly, it hasn't and I don't ever see a day it being that bad again… not until the one day I dread, which we won't discuss because it's not going to happen for another 30 years at least. I will say this, I am blessed though. I had the honor of being this man's daughter. We butted heads throughout my teenage years, like any father and daughter, but probably more so because I'm pretty much very similar to him. He was stubborn (even though he continuously denied that trait) and I am stubborn in case anyone wondered. :-) But I know that this man loved me unconditionally and I loved him just as much. When I was little we would end our phone calls with 'I love you more' 'No, I love you more', 'No, no, I love you more'. I don't remember who ever won that battle but I believe we loved each other equally. My heart will continue to stay broke and deep inside there is pain from this loss. However, for those going through the beginning stages of grief, or even somewhere in between, some miraculous thing happens - that stabbing, aching pain that you feel - the numbness and loss of yourself - it slowly starts to return. You'll smile more, you'll laugh more but there will be moments that hit like a freaking hurricane that make you stop in your tracks. A tear will slip and you'll miss him like that first moment. A little pain will seep from your heart and you'll remember that pain but it gets pushed back again for another moment of reality that your loved one is gone. Hang in there because the journey is worth the ride.

xoxox

My heart just stops

A song comes on the radio, I read something online, talk with a relative, or like tonight... I look at his blog and see a picture of my dad and my heart just stops. The tears come and I just freaking miss him! Time does heal, somewhat. But that emptiness is still there. Not so much on the surface as the raw hurt I had for so long. I can't pick up the phone and call to hear his voice. Football season is hard because he was always watching football. Heck, even watching the news is hard because I can't pick up the phone and talk to him about it. But tonight... looking at this photo, it just makes me stop and think Damn It! I Miss this Man soooo dang much it hurts.

I love you Dad with all my heart, forever and always!

xoxox

My first love...

I wish I could get on a plane to go here....

and spend some time with this man....

because he would make everything better!

My first love... My Dad.

Pre 2 year anniversary night

A year ago, I sat on my bed and read through the last two years of my blog. I read about my phone calls with my dad. My visits with my dad. I remembered holding his hand for three days in the hospital. Tonight, I worked on homework and now it's time to reminisce. I miss my dad so much but tonight, I can say I am better. I am truly back to my happy, funny self.
Grief takes time. I didn't realize how much time it would take. Don't get me wrong, I still miss my dad every day. I still want to pick up the phone and call him. I still want to run to him with my problems, concerns, tell him I broke a nail, or that my pool vac is not working and ask how I fix it. I want to call him and say, DAD- I am happy again! I want to talk to him about politics, what he thinks of things. I want to talk about football, the news, and every time a damn plane crashes, I want to call him and talk to him about it.
My tears are fewer in between now. I smile more often. I was told the other day by a friend that she could tell I was happy, she could see it in my eyes. I wonder how dark my eyes have been. It has taken me almost two years to truly be happy again. It's an amazing feeling. I used to be afraid to be happy. I knew it's what my dad would want but I felt guilty for being happy because I lost my dad. How can someone who loses someone they love so much be happy? It takes time. The happiness returns. My heart still feels a loss, there is a part of me that died with my dad but there is also a part of me that now lives for my dad. If I catch myself feeling guilty for being happy, I tell myself that it's ok, it is the essence of what my dad wanted for me. To be happy. I remember he would always ask if I was happy and I would tell him yes. His response was "good".
I want to do amazing things now. I want to live and I want to live for not only myself {and my mom} but for my dad too. I want to be brave and try the daring things that my dad would do. I think I want to skydive. That is going to be one of my next goals. I want to jump once for my dad. I want to feel that rush that he felt every time he jumped. The rush he felt when he jumped the day I was born to celebrate my life.
My dad did amazing things, he was brave. He flew a small plane from Arizona to New York and then to Alaska. He skydived, he was in a war, he accomplished his dreams and didn't have regrets. It's time that I make a bucket list and start marking off my dreams. I want this for me but I have my dad motivating me through it all.
So tonight, I am not going back through my posts to read about those final days. I can reply them in my head. Tonight I'll start a bucket list so I can live like my dad would want me to.

For anyone going through the grief of losing a loved one. Hang in there, I promise you it will get better.

I love you Dad!

Me :)

{my dad making a jump}

I Will Survive

I Love this... 

Daveswordsofwisdom.com: I Will Survive

Happy Father's Day

For so many years I took for granted the times I could pick up the phone to call you. There were probably some years in there that I didn't as much as I should have. As the saying goes "if I'd only known then... what I know now". I would have called every chance I got and even more. I wouldn't have taken time for granted. I would have loved you as much as I do now and as I did at this age. I guarded my heart for many years. But no matter what, you were always in my heart, always my hero, always the man I needed the most. You are my dad! 

There is not a day that goes by that I don't miss you. Happy Father's Day Daddy!!! 

I love you!

Happy Birthday Dad

Today my dad would have been 65 years old. 

I miss him everyday

Happy Birthday dad - I love you more

Missing you

I freaking miss this man!!!!! 

I'll wait for you in my dreams tonight. I miss you so much Dad. When does this get easier?

Things I am Grateful for

Ok, so my last post... a bit deep so I think I should soften this up with things that I am thankful for.

My mom
    I know I've expressed this before but I am so, so grateful for her!
Lynkin
    I love this dog like no other. He's my forever dog. He's amazing and good and sweet. He pretty chill and cuddles. He likes to sleep on the couch but only when no one is on it. I think God must have known I'd need L in my life and he came right in time.
Family
    my cousins (Ronni and Steph) and my Aunt Rosann. I know I can pick up the phone and rely on one of these 3 to be there for me in a heartbeat. I know the rest of my family is there for me too and I'm grateful for them as well.
My home
     I love my house!
My job
     I can truly say I enjoy my job. There are days when I don't but overall, I'm thankful for my job and that it can provide me the comforts of my home and let L eat on a daily basis.
My health
Life
     This is kind of huge because the last two years have been very hard for me. Still is... but I am thankful for waking up in the morning and the life I have.
Friendship
     I have amazing friends whom I feel I've pushed away over the last two years. My friends are still there, I just need to remember to reach out. I really have true friends and I'm so thankful for them!
My dad
     My mom gets it... my dad was my heart. My mom is as well but my dad is just different. I've spend time reading posts on Facebook from children who grew up without their dad, who had strained relationships with their dads because of the war, and it makes me realize after all these years how amazing my dad was. I took him for granted for so long and I regret that. At the same time, I'm more than forever grateful for my divorce that brought me closer to my dad. That sounds crazy but it's the truth. My dad did his very best and I'm so thankful that God chose him to be my dad. I love him with all my heart. I miss being able to call him and talk with him. So anyone reading this.... do not take your parents for granted because one day you'll want another conversation and you won't be able to get one.

These are things that I am thankful for. I'm also thankful that within me, I have a faith in God. Even if I may be angry, my faith is still there. If I didn't have this faith, I don't think I'd make it in this world.

Faithfulness

Ok so this past week... I have been struggling. Why you ask? Well, one of my friends has a two year old boy. As of two days ago, he'd been in ICU for 21 days. Without going into much detail, they found he had a kidney that had to be removed. They had to find a doctor that would attempt a risky surgery to remove the kidney and they would need to cut off quite a few blood vessels... on a 2 year old! I cannot imagine the worry and fear my friend dealt with. Luckily he made it through the surgery successful and is recovering. Then, my cousin shared on FB that a close friend of hers died from childbirth. The friend had a 3 year old daughter and just gave birth to their second daughter. A few days after the birth she died. These situations really piss me off! It really tests my faith and anymore, I don't know about faith. We can say that all the prayers helped my friends little boy but you can't tell me that there were more prayers for him over the mother. So when people say that prayers work... I have very high doubts. When Paula died it seemed like the entire freaking state of Arizona was praying for her and she had more faith in Him than almost anyone I know. I mean.. who says "I got cancer because I kept asking God to find me a way to stay home with my girls so he gave me cancer and now I get to stay home with them". That is some faith people! So tell me why it's fair that murders and other people who obviously have no concept of a moral or value get to live and children, mothers, fathers, people who are good die so early and are taken from us? I remember struggling with this when Paula was diagnosed with breast cancer. Somehow, I had some type of faith. Let me tell you, back then my faith was strong! I believed that because she had such a strong faith and because so many people were praying for her that she'd be ok. Three years later she died. Yeah, yeah... you can say she got the extra three years and that is true but in reality, she still died and left behind two little girls. My dad... he was a great man but yet because of a service he did for our country years ago, he was taken way to f'ing early. That PISSES me off! And as much pain as I have gone though over the last year, how is someone suppose to fill that emptiness that little 3 year old girl is going to feel when she realizes Mommy is not ever coming home. I want to believe in faith because I DID pray for my friends little boy. I asked my friends to pray for him and I am so thankful that he is ok... so there is some type of faith... deep inside me it is lurking around but on the outside I question it. Go back to church someone will probably tell me... well if I go back to church that won't bring back the mom who left behind her husband and two daughters, it won't bring back Paula, and it sure the hell won't bring back my dad. I read someone's post about the mom who died, that maybe sometime she will understand why her friend was taken so early. Well, 8 years later, I still don't see the reason Paula was taken. I can see every reason she should have been able to stay here and raise her daughters but not one reason she should have died. Is she a greeter in Heaven like we thought would happen? Well good for God because I hope he really needed her... I mean who could need someone's mother more than their own children? Am I bitter, yes. Am I negative, probably. Have I changed over the years, yes... why, because I'm losing my faith. Deep, deep down, I do believe in God and I do pray to Him but on the surface I'm very, very, VERY freaking angry at God and I do not get his plan nor do I really like his plan so far.

I cried today because I miss my dad. I miss my best friend too. Two amazing people who should still be here today. This must be my anger stage of Grief...

grief

"Grief is not a disorder, a disease, or a sign of weakness. It is an emotional, physical, and spiritual necessity; the price you pay for love. The only cure for grief is to grieve". ~ Earl Grollman

"There is no closure. It's like a scare. Later on, it may not be as red as it had been, but it's still there, hurting when you least expect it, because this is what love is all about. Grief is love never ready to say goodbye".  

I grieve.

Meeting in my dreams

Last night we met in my dream. I woke up and you were sitting there. It seemed like a hospital room, I was in the hospital bed, you were in the chair. I remember reaching out and touching your hand. Your skin was tan as usual and your skin was soft like it always was. You told me to stay where I was, that everything was fine. You said you'd be leaving soon and not to follow you. Then you left a note behind, that you loved me and not to come up to you. I didn't want you to go, I cried. I woke up and felt peaceful and happy that you visited. I love you so much dad, thank you for visiting me last night in my dream!

Dad feeding his ducks

e-mail from heaven?

Hey pops... I miss you a ton! Can you email from heaven yet?

I love you more!

365 days = 12 months = 1 year

I hate today. I sat here last night and read everything I blogged since 2011. Some of it made me laugh and some of it made me cry {I realized I do need to spell check at times but oh well, I am typing fast and from my heart}. 


What a year. My heart is still sad but not as numb as it was a year ago. I do feel stronger and a bit more like myself. There are days that tears just come to me, out of the blue, and I my heart is full of sadness for missing my dad. I took the day off. I am not really in the mood to talk with anyone and that is fine. I need to cry and I want to cry. I want to miss my dad. I don't want to be strong today and I think that is fine. I'll be strong again tomorrow. You know, this strength thing is a bit overrated at times! 


I don't know if anyone follows my blog or reads my posts and that is ok. I know reading ones grief for a year can be a bit much but I can honestly say that I am so glad that I journaled as much as I did. I see his grin from back in June 2011, I journaled that. Him trying to open the can of peaches {again, journaled} and me telling him to stop pouting. It made me remember and remember happy thoughts. 


An entire year has gone by. I've dealt with his wife this passed year and that has made this grieving process 100 times worse (in my opinion). I journaled before how great things were, yeah when he was alive. Once he passed away, it became hell. Dealing with estate things brought up so many thoughts and has played games with my head and way of thinking. It has been a nightmare I hope no one ever has to endure. I am sure there is worse out there but for me, this was as bad as I think it could have gotten. Ok, there could have been worse but it would have been nice to have all this eliminated. As of today though, things have been compromised and worked out. 


For most of the day, I kept myself busy, going about day to day life. But now it's time to light a candle for my dad, something I do every month on the 24th. Tomorrow I will wake up and the world will go on. Last year I woke up and I was numb and had to keep moving to get things in order. What a difference a year makes. My heart is still empty but I can smile more now. 


Dad, I love you more than words can ever express. I'm so thankful that you got lucky enough to have me for a daughter :)... I was actually the lucky one. I miss you every day and I wish more than anything you were still here. 

my heart

I sure do miss this man!