Tuesday, July 24, 2012

365 days = 12 months = 1 year

I hate today. I sat here last night and read everything I blogged since 2011. Some of it made me laugh and some of it made me cry {I realized I do need to spell check at times but oh well, I am typing fast and from my heart}. 

What a year. My heart is still sad but not as numb as it was a year ago. I do feel stronger and a bit more like myself. There are days that tears just come to me, out of the blue, and I my heart is full of sadness for missing my dad. I took the day off. I am not really in the mood to talk with anyone and that is fine. I need to cry and I want to cry. I want to miss my dad. I don't want to be strong today and I think that is fine. I'll be strong again tomorrow. You know, this strength thing is a bit overrated at times! 

I don't know if anyone follows my blog or reads my posts and that is ok. I know reading ones grief for a year can be a bit much but I can honestly say that I am so glad that I journaled as much as I did. I see his grin from back in June 2011, I journaled that. Him trying to open the can of peaches {again, journaled} and me telling him to stop pouting. It made me remember and remember happy thoughts. 

An entire year has gone by. I've dealt with his wife this passed year and that has made this grieving process 100 times worse (in my opinion). I journaled before how great things were, yeah when he was alive. Once he passed away, it became hell. Dealing with estate things brought up so many thoughts and has played games with my head and way of thinking. It has been a nightmare I hope no one ever has to endure. I am sure there is worse out there but for me, this was as bad as I think it could have gotten. Ok, there could have been worse but it would have been nice to have all this eliminated. As of today though, things have been compromised and worked out. 

For most of the day, I kept myself busy, going about day to day life. But now it's time to light a candle for my dad, something I do every month on the 24th. Tomorrow I will wake up and the world will go on. Last year I woke up and I was numb and had to keep moving to get things in order. What a difference a year makes. My heart is still empty but I can smile more now. 

Dad, I love you more than words can ever express. I'm so thankful that you got lucky enough to have me for a daughter :)... I was actually the lucky one. I miss you every day and I wish more than anything you were still here. 

Friday, July 13, 2012

my heart

I sure do miss this man!

Sunday, July 08, 2012

Photo a Day, June

So I didn't finish out the month for June on my photo a day quest but here is what I ended up with:

June 8 - Six O'Clock ... I had a Silpada Jewelry show at my house on this specific evening. Got some great necklaces out of it!

June 9 - my view today... I had to work {Saturday} so this was my view for the majority of the day. I love my photo of Lynkin that sits on my desk! The little statue is a gift my dad gave me when he went back to Vietnam and my photo from Hawaii. You can also see the cute coloring that Ruby gave me. It makes the day go by fast with lots of trinkets from home around my desk.

 June 10 - best bit of my weekend... I love my pool and there's nothing better than a good book in the sun. This book was ok but not my favorite summer reading. I love Jennifer Weiner though!

June 11 - door (the door to my childhood, teen years, and early adulthood)

June 12 - from a low angle (very first bedroom)
{not my favorite photo but it's the ceiling I stared at as I grew up}

June 13 - Art... I love this photo I took while I was in Venice. I have this blown up on a canvas in my house. It's one of my favorite photos!

June 16 - out and about (I didn't go to far on Sat) ... I ran errands all day on the 15th but out and about was for the 16th so this is what you got!

June 17 - in my bag... Since it's Father's Day, I changed the daily topic.

June 18 - something people don't know about me - I have no clue what to do with bangs!
This was a hard topic but I have to remind myself in the future... NO BANGS. Every two years or so, I cut my bangs because I think I want them. Two months later, I no longer want bangs. They look good for a week but then grew and at that point, I've got nothin'.... ha

So that completes my photo a day for June. Maybe I should start July even though I'd be a week behind. I think in a year or so, I'll be glad I did this! 

For the last few weeks, I have felt like my 'normal' self. I felt alive again and happy/content. There are times that I am happy and then I feel guilty for being happy. Another stage of grief I suppose. I just have to constantly tell myself that my dad would want me to be happy. He doesn't want me constantly sad because he's not here. I remind myself that my dad lived like many didn't. The man flew across the United States, he skydived over and over. He went to war, slept around a tree, and was stepped on by the enemy. So I am thinking that he would not want me to be sad. So I smile and keep going. It feels good but I still have the guilt, even for admitting that it feels good. I miss him every day of my life. I always thought because he lived so far away that this would not be so hard but I was wrong. What I've realized is how much my dad meant to me and how much I leaned on him. He was my rock and even though he's not here, he's still my rock. I can hear him in my head {it would just be nice if I could actually have a voice to voice conversation}. I'd do anything for him to still be alive. I go through so many things I should have done but I have to remind myself that my dad was set in his ways and no matter what, he would not have changed or done things differently. Well, maybe now he would have. I honestly think he would have but that's a different story that I have in my head {and with my mom}.
So now my anxiety sets in for the anniversary day. I don't know what to expect or how I will feel. I know that I have taken the year to not force myself to be or do what others wanted or thought I should do. I was sad and I stayed sad because it's what I needed but I'm better. I just take it one day at a time... I miss you dad!!!