Leaving

Today was a tough day for my dad. He did not want to take a shower and I am not sure if I pushed him to hard (not literally) to take one. He kept pushing his walker with all his strength to get past me. He then went to his knees and used his head to push me out of the way. I really thought he'd just give up and take a shower but he wouldn't. After the ordeal, he was exhausted. He's been asleep for the day and he is more confused than he has been. He went to the kitchen, thinking it was the bathroom. It kills me to see him like this and I feel guilty for trying so hard to have him take a shower. Maybe if I had not been as stubborn as him, he wouldn't be so exhausted and out of it right now. Then again, maybe he would be.

He didn't go to his doctor's appointment again today. Feng and I tried and tried but he just kept saying no. I went to his appointment anyway and this time I was late. Some care manager explained it would be better if I spoke with a social worker and so I did. Speaking with her did not help my dad but it helped me. I wanted them to know that he's a good man. That he's not some crazy alcoholic like the nurse practioner made him sound like from the notes. I told this woman that he was a proud man. That his entire life, he took care of everyone and he did things himself. I told her that he was sweet and smiled and that he was in pain from this disease. I told her that he drank when he came back from the war to forget about what happend. That throughout most of my life, he didn't drink and if he did, he drank O'Doul's. I told her after the B left, that yes, he did drink but it was, again, to forget. I explained if he was an alcoholic, I would admit to it but he is not. I told her I wanted him to have a doctor with some sort of compation. When I left, I felt better. I know there is nothing anyone can do for my dad but it does not make this any easier. He is a man with a good heart and has always had the best intentions. He loves his family and would give his shirt off his back for someone, he is loyal. I am pretty sure that is where I get my loyalty from, my mom as well. I have the best and the worst of the both of them but all in all, I think I am most like my father with a little bit of my mother to balance me out.

When I leave for the airport in a few hours, I am not sure how I will be. This could very well be the last time I see my dad and that is hard. How do I leave? How do I say goodbye, knowing this could be it. I will keep in my heart his grin, the one he makes when I say "I love you", when I tell him he is discombobulated, then proceeds to laugh, a little. The grin he makes when you repeat back to him "God Damn It" or "you are a pain in the ass". He used to tell me all the time I was a pain in the ass and now I reciprocate his words. He smiles at me with that grin and says yes.