the grief cycle, is numb first?

i can't describe how i feel right now. the only word is numb. you know, the feeling when you just can't feel, can't talk, and stare like you have no idea what is going on? that is how i feel.

someone told me "i think your dad's situation is affecting you more than you know". yeah, it is. last i checked he was dying and i think that means there is a part of me that will die too.

tonight, i got the call. a call from a doctor, an intensivist. do you know what that is? he's a doctor in the ICU unit. i relate to him as the last doctor that paula had, before she died. to me, an intensivist is not good. and tonight, he called me.

tonight, he told me that my dad was being admitted back into the hospital. that he sat down with feng to decide what to do with my dad. feng said she cannot take care of him at home. the only facility that he can go to is in anchorage, this is something my dad would not want, me either. they discussed putting him in a hospice bed. they discussed my dad's wishes that his life not be prolonged. they discussed giving him morphine to keep him comfortable. he {the doctor} told me 4-16 days.

i called feng. i told her i would fly out tomorrow. she told me that had asked the doctor to call me, to explain my dad's situation. she said the doctor needs a decision by tomorrow. i'm confused. i thought we had a decision. she told me she does not think my dad will die tomorrow or the next day or even next week. again, i am confused. i talked to feng again. she feels guilty. she does not want him to die. i feel bad for her. i feel bad for me. i tell her she did everything she could. i tell her he would not want to live this way. i tell her i will tell the doctor to let him die, because i know that is what my dad would want me to do. i love my dad.

i called the hospital back to speak with the doctor. the doctor called me again. we discussed what was best for my dad. i leave in 48 hours. i told him when i get there, i will not leave the hospital. he said that is fine. normally they do not allow people overnight but this is an exception. i said good because i wouldn't leave no matter what. i am leaving to spend the last few days with my dad. to say goodbye. to tell him over and over how much i love him. to tell him that through it all, he was a great dad. he is a dad i am proud to call my father. i do not want my dad to live like this. i can't handle seeing him this way. a man who is strong, a man, who the doctor asked me 'was he a marine, he looks like one'. yes, he was a marine. the doctor said, 'he's a strong man and if it wasn't for his liver failing, he would be healthy'.

so right now, i think i hate the world but i do not feel anger yet. i know it will come. i know all the emotions that will come. why? because i've been though this before when paula died but this time, it's not my best friend, someone who was like my sister, this time it's my father. the man i leaned on and looked up to. the man i loved unconditionally. the man that i always tried to make proud of me. the man i would talk to on the phone as a little girl and would tell him i loved him more. he would return that with i love you more. and so it would go on.

please keep him and me and feng in your prayers. that is all for now.