Morning swim

My morning swim... 

{Nothing like the pool completely to yourself at 6:30 am}

Swimming

Oh how I've missed you... it's been way too long.

Time to get back in the pool! 

Random quote

It is never too late to be what you might have been.

~George Eliot

I kinda really like this quote.

4th generation

Today, I had the pleasure of spending the day with my mom. We started out having lunch with my great aunt, her granddaughter (which is obviously my second cousin), and her great grandson (adorable 5 month old, Paul). Aunt Nona is 93 years old and I love listening to her stories from years ago. So first, my great grandmother actually graduated from Tempe High. I'm not sure when but I will say, my grandpa was born in 1921 and he had and older sister (Aunt Nona) and older brother (Uncle Freddy). Then, my grandpa, otherwise known as Papa or Buster, graduated from Tempe High and my mom as well. I actually graduated from McClintock because I was in the boundaries for McClintock. My great grandma actually sold property to ASU. I think my favorite story today from Aunt Nona was when she said she'd been driving since she was 16 years old (she's now 93) and has only been in one accident, which was the other person's (he was drunk) fault. She still drives, not much but she does. She just renewed her driver's license last year and it doesn't expire for 5 years (that's entirely different story... can you imagine!).
Well, after lunch, it was time to move my grandma into a new group home. I haven't talked about my grandma before (my mom's mom) but she has dementia and moved to a group home last September or October. It's better because she really needs someone with her 24/7. When I was younger, I wasn't very close to my grandma (my other grandma yes and papa was by far the grandparent I was closest to) but grandma, I just wasn't close to her (again, another story). Over the last couple of years though, I've helped my mom take care of my grandma and my grandma is like a totally different person now. She's nice and sweet and I just love her to death. So today, when I showed up at her new home, my uncle, aunt, and mom were moving her into her new room. My grandma just seemed a bit 'lost' and you could tell she didn't know what to do. She was aware this was her new 'home' but in reality, she just wants to go back 'home'. We tell her she cannot and that this is better for her. I truly believe that. My mom goes to the home about 5 times a week to see my grandma and hopefully when my mom retire's, she can move my grandma into her house.
Anyways, when I got to the house, I told my grandma to come sit down with me. That way she wasn't wandering and following everyone. I told her how excited I was for her to be in a new home with a lot more people. I asked if she had met any of them (there were about 5 women out in the living room watching tv). My grandma said yes and she told me "they're old". I laughed and said "well grandma, you are old too". She laughed and I asked if she knew how old she was, she told me "I'm 60". I really laughed because my grandma is 90, almost 91 (in May).
My grandma makes me laugh now and I love spending time with her. It doesn't bother me she'll ask questions over and over. I love how she sees a building, such as the BOA building at Southern and Alma School, and tells me how big the building is. Or how she tells you how pretty the red car is! I love that she knows who I am but cannot remember my name. I'm glad that I've spent this time with her and been there to help my mom. Maybe just the last couple of years, I've realized how important my family is. My mom, my dad, my grandma (the only living grandparent I have).
Oh- and I'm kinda proud to be 4th generation that grew up in Tempe.

Reminder

He had Hepatic encephalopathy. 
My mom reminded me tonight. 

Symptoms many begin slowly and gradually worsen, or they may begin suddenly and be severe from the start.

Symptoms may be mild at first. Family members or caregivers may notice that the patient has:

• Breath with a musty or sweet odor - not sure about this one
• Change in sleep patterns - totally...  but thought it was due to his PTSD. He started sleeping during the day and was awake at night, effecting going into work prior to his retirement.
• Changes in thinking - yep
• Confusion that is mild - yep
• Forgetfulness - he disagreed but he did
• Mental fogginess - can you say discombobulated??? Definitely
• Personality or mood changes - Totally noticed changes beginning in April 2008
• Poor concentration - Yes
• Poor judgment - In my opinion, definitely!
• Worsening of handwriting or loss of other small hand movements - Handwriting, yes. Small hand movements, I'm not sure about that one

More severe symptoms may include:

• Abnormal movements or shaking of hands or arms - in the end, yes
• Agitation, excitement, or seizures (occur rarely) - oh yes
• Disorientation - see discombobulated
• Drowsiness or confusion - sleeping for 4 days in a row would be yes on drowsiness and confusion would be equivalent to using a fork to open a can of peaches, I'd say yes.
• Inappropriate behavior or severe personality changes - I saw things that didn't seem like my dad and in 2008, there were some personality changes that I'd say were equal to the personality changes.
• Slurred speech - yep
• Slowed or sluggish movement - definitely at the end. 
  Read here for more information on Hepatic Encephalopathy

So this explains some of his decisions. Decisions I am dealing with now and decisions that still make me wonder if I was good enough for him. Did I let him down? I hate having these thoughts, thoughts I've always had but I know in my heart that he did love me. He was proud of me. I did not let him down. The decisions made were only done because he thought he was doing the right thing. He had hepatic encephalopathy. He just didn't want to deal with it all. Hell, I don't want to deal with it now either but I will and I will not back down. 

So dad, if you are listening, please keep giving me strength because I know if this situation was a little different and it was in regard to mom, you'd tell me to not back down. To look out for me. That blood is thicker than water and your family is who will be there in the end. 

Life is definitely not fair but seriously world, when someone's down... can ya stop kicking? Thanks!

A look back on 18 months

So I was thinking... or wondering, why for the last year I had such a hard time being so positive. And tonight, it dawned on me that it's been one heck of a year.

1) I bought my first home on my own. Now, this is great but stressful. Finding the home, waiting for the short sale to go through, finding a renter for the other house, moving into the new house. Budgeting... I am still trying to figure this one out.

I started looking at the end of July 2009.

Found this house in February 2010

Closed in May 2010

Moved in May 2010 (Memorial weekend)

2) The week I was signing papers on the house, I found out my dad had been given 6-12 months to live (that was in January 2010).

3) June 2010 - go to Alaska to see my dad

4) Him- he comes to visit for Labor Day, have a great time together, then he gets distant, work is stressful for him, life is stressful. We grow distant, well he does, I go girl, he goes more distant... not a good situation. Both of us are having a difficult time. My heart is sad.

5) Max dies {my 14 year old Rottie/Queensland Heeler dog}

6) My mom moves into my house the end of September with her crazy yellow lab. She has fractured her knee. I have a new puppy {Lynkin}. She is a great help but we realize 6 weeks later we cannot live together. Mom goes back home but I am thankful she could stay with me and we were able to help one another (me with her knee, her with Lynkin and the house training).

7) I finish my MBA sometime in October 2010. That is it, it's over. I get a 'good job'.

8) November 2010 - back to Alaska to see my dad

9) Washington DC in December 2010 to visit Erika. I need a major vacation and it was just what I needed. He is even more distant, my heart is even more sad. My dad is not able to understand that I am even in DC.

10) Did I mention work has been stressful since April 2010? Yeah that is not a good mix but I still like my job and work with some great people so I am thankful for their support.

11) After March 2011, the budget with the new house is getting better, less stressful. I've come to accept We are done. My dad has a great week.

12) April 2011 - my dad is continuing to stay in his confused frame of mind. He would usually come out of it once a week for at least a day. I would be happy when I caught him on a 'good' day.

13) May 2011 - Things with my dad are not improving. I do not know what to do. Do I go see him or wait. Confused, sad, concerned.

14) June 2011 - Back to Alaska. Things spiral from there. 6 weeks of phone calls to Alaska, trying to find a way to get my dad here. The wife can't take care of him, possibly a nursing home, unsafe for him to be home alone. What to do

15) July 2011 - Well, you can read below

My mom mentioned that I have been through a lot in the last year. That I am strong. I thought why would she say I've been through so much? Then I started thinking and that is what I came up with.

October 21, 2011 -

My mom is healthy and you know, she is my best friend. That makes me happy.

He is back, slowly. So maybe? Maybe we needed a break. Maybe no matter what, he would have tried his best and it would not have been good enough for me. So maybe, that is why. Maybe to prepare my heart for July. I don't know but He is back and that makes me happy.

My dad.... my heart is still empty. I am communicating with a friend of my dad's, he is emailing me stories. {my dad is badass!} The stories put a smile back in my heart. A smile where my dad is. My dad would want me to be happy. To keep him in my heart. I will and I do.

For those of my friends who have dealt with me for the last 18 months, I thank you. It's definitely been a ride and the grieving is not over with but I am going to be ok. My mom says I am strong. My dad told me I am him. My dad was very strong.

truth

found this through pinterest... so very true.

Stage One of Grief or maybe the 4th stage...

I think that I am still in stage one. It's not so much the shock or denial, just the numbness of it all. I feel like I'm not in my body. That I am just here, going through the motions. It feels like nothing else really matters, I just don't care. I think about my dad all the time. I go back to when I was really young or as I was older. I have a picture ingraved in my head of holding his hand while we walked down the street in downtown Fairbanks when I was about 3 years old. I believe I already brought this memory up but it is the one instilled in my brain that makes me happy. The one where I felt like nothing in this world would ever hurt me, because I had my dad there. I just remember being happy.
I don't cry much now. I think I cried more when he was still alive, after I got back from Alaska in June. After I saw how confused he was. After I saw how he really was. I believe that is when my "grieving" started though.
You know, maybe I've passed the first 3 stages of grief though, but maybe not. I've gotten angry and I'm not anymore. I've felt the guilt and I don't now. I honestly feel like I'm waiting for the storm to hit though. Like I've been doing "ok" but something big is going to happen. For the most part, I'm not isolating myself too much though and I do talk with a few people about everything.

I'm fine... I'm ok...

I get asked every day "how are you". I don't mind at all because I know that people are concerned and I appreciate each person. Everytime, I answer "I'm fine" or "I'm ok". But you know what, I am not. My body feels empty. Like there is nothing there, I just go through the motions and do what I need to do. I feel like something is missing. I feel numb. My heart doesn't even feel like it beats inside my body.

Every night I go to sleep, I ask my dad to come to my dream and tell me that everything is ok and will be ok. That he's better now and happy. I know, I know... he is but I still want him to meet me in my dream. I want to hug him in my dream. I want to tell him I love him in my dream. I want to wake up in the morning knowing my dad came to see me in my dream. I miss him. I miss him so much.

So how am I? I guess for someone who lost her father at too young of an age, I am ok. I am fine. In reality, I am just really crappy but I can't say that so I'm fine, I'm ok.

2011

The last few months have brought good and bad. How does it seem that the 1 bad out weighs all the good? And why doesn't the good make me happier? Because when your heart fills broken, not much can heal it... just time.
So here are the things that I am thankful for:
1) My dad is on a waiting list for a liver transplant {he's also doing better with acupuncture, massage therapy, and herbal medicines}
2) I have the best puppy in the world! He's totally chill, has not damaged my house, and he makes my heart smile on my sad days.
3) Friendships that I have thought were lost have returned. First Heather, then Erika, and finally Angie, (we found each other again through FB). Each of these women have been through various situations in my life and now, as I am nearing 40, my heart is yet broken again, and I could possibly be entering a mid-life crisis, are each back in my life. It makes me think back to the email that goes around about friends in your life for a reason, a season, and a lifetime (something like that). Getting together again is like there was never any time lost or any issues between us. I am very thankful for each of them. I'm thankful for all of my friends {and that means YOU!}.

I am thankful for my mothers unconditional love and her health, my house, surviving my MBA and continuing my education. I am blessed with a job and even though there are days I am just burnt out, I do enjoy it along with the people I work with.

So all in all, I am very blessed.

Stand.....

It always comes back to this....

You feel like a candle in a hurricane
Just like a picture with a broken frame
Alone and helpless
Like you've lost your fight
But you'll be alright, you'll be alright

Cause when push comes to shove
You taste what you're made of
You might bend, till you break
Cause its all you can take
On your knees you look up
Decide you've had enough
You get mad you get strong
Wipe your hands shake it off
Then you Stand,
Then you stand

Life's like a novel
With the end ripped out
The edge of a canyon
With only one way down
Take what you're given before its gone
Start holding on, keep holding on
Cause when push comes to shove
You taste what you're made of
You might bend till you break

Cause it's all you can take
On your knees you look up
Decide you've had enough
You get mad, you get strong
Wipe your hands, shake it off
Then you stand, then you stand

Everytime you get up
And get back in the race
One more small piece of you
Starts to fall into place


I really need to start just writing my thoughts in a journal instead of posting through a song on here... but over the last couple of months, I have nothing happy to write about, except Lynkin. He makes me happy and tonight... he gets to sleep on my bed because he's unconditional.

20 years

So this weekend was my 20 year reunion...

did I go? No

20 years ago, I never thought I'd be here. I thought by now I'd be married and have kids, be a mom. The type of mom I read about on blog after blog. It's all I ever wanted. But things don't end up the way we want. For some reason, God really enjoys letting me know things don't turn out the way we want or hope for. I keep waiting for the lesson I'm suppose to learn. Maybe the boat keeps passing by and I don't see it because it's smaller than I thought, but I really just don't see the light at the end of the tunnel here.

I would give anything in the world for those I care about but it seems that in return I can't even get half. I don't expect the same in return, maybe that is my problem. I'm "too emotional" or "too girl" but you know what... at least I am loyal, caring, and trustworthy. Maybe I should lie, not give a crap, cheat, not go above and beyond to treat the person I care about like he is the greatest thing that walks on this earth. Then I wouldn't care and I wouldn't be "too girl".

If anyone knows a doctor who can take out a girls emotions, let me know... I think it could help!

House Hunting

Last May I decided to buy a house. This was something I have always wanted to do and decided it was fine. I did not want to start looking for awhile, because I did not want to find a house in June, close in August, and move in the middle of 118 degree weather. So, I waited until the middle of July to start looking and found the house I wanted. Unfortunately, it was a short sale but I wasn't in a hurry so I was fine to wait. Well, I waited 7 months. I passed up a few houses only because I REALLY wanted this specific one and everyone kept saying to hold out, it will happen. In mid February, I was told the seller's changed their mind and I decided to fight to keep their house. So, I was back to square one, with only 3 months until the first time homeowners tax credit expires. I found the next house; however, it was overpriced. I kept looking at other houses and watched the price on the 2nd house drop. When it finally got to a price I was willing to pay, I made an offer. We went back and forth for 8 days only to find out the seller and agent were basically partners and in my opinion, low life scum. I countered with 'you pay me back if the house does not close on time' and the seller said he wouldn't counter my offer. Back to square one, again. Third house, I made an offer, someone came in and offered substantially more and cash. DANG IT! Meanwhile... I have an offer on a second short sale since mid-February but not expecting anything to come of it because, well... you can see a pattern, right? Currently, this 2nd short sale house has been approved by the 1st mortgage company. I am waiting for the 2nd mortgage company to 'officially' approve the 2nd mortgage. They stated they would as soon as the 1st was approved. It hasn't quite been a week, but seriously, they better hurry up because next week, I am going back to look at houses.

Oh the joys of trying to have a mortgage payment!

If You want me to

The pathway is broken

And The signs are unclear

And I don't know the reason why You brought me here

But just because You love me the way that You do

I'm gonna walk through the valley

If You want me to

Chorus:

Cause I'm not who I was

When I took my first step

And I'm clinging to the promise

You're not through with me yet

So if all of these trials bring me closer to You

Then I will walk through the fire

If You want me to

It may not be the way I would have chosen

When you lead me through a world that's not my home

But You never said it would be easy

You only said I'd never go alone

So when the whole world turns against me

And I'm all by myself

And I can't hear You answer my cries for help

I'll remember the suffering that Your love put You through

And I will walk through the darkness

If You want me to

Cuz when I cross over Jordan

Gonna sing, gonna shout,

Gonna look into Your eyes and see You never let me down

So take me on the pathway that leads me home to You

And I will walk though the valley If You want me to

Yes, I will walk through the valley

If You want me to

~Ginny Owens

Gives up....

Life

So it has been awhile since I posted and honestly, there is not much to discuss. It seems like my life is pretty much consumed with work and school. As much as I hate school, I love it too. You can say I have a love/hate relationship with my education. This program has brought me to a place were I have more confidence in myself and has really helped me grow in my professional life. Each day, I seem to have more of a sense of direction of where I want to go. Not that I know exactly but I am getting there.

June brought me to my 37th year too. Life is amazing. Of course there are ups and downs and I look back on situations I have overcome. I was having a conversation today with someone 10 years younger than me. She mentioned she had ended a long relationship and I realized she was just a year older than I was when I got divorced. Sometimes it amazes me to say I am divorced because I am to the point were it feels as if I was never married. That time in my life, I thought my life had ended. Everything I wanted was "taken" from me. Being married, a wife, having a family. Over the next several years, I struggled and it did not get easier for quiet awhile. But I can honestly say how much better off I am now.

July will be 10 years since my divorce.

June is 5 years since Paula passed away.

Had I not gone through my divorce, I would never have met Paula. I've always been thankful for my divorce because it led me to a friendship that most never experience in their life. I wonder what this year will bring me because there seems to be a trend in major events in my life. Maybe the experience is just coming to a point in my life were I start to take control of everything and put it all together...

We'll see...

If you are reading this, more than likely you are someone who has been there over the last 10 years of my life. I am thankful for your friendship, whether we talk every day or hardly at all.

Life is good...

My day

I wish....... I was sitting here tonight.

Decision Time

A half marathon is a road running event of 21,097.5 meters, or 13+7⁄64 miles, about 13.1 miles. It is half the distance of a marathon and usually run on roads. It is a popular race for runners of all abilities, long enough to be a serious challenge for most people, but not requiring the level of training of a marathon. In consequence, many towns and cities hold annual all-comers half marathon races through their streets. It is also common for a half marathon event to be held concurrently with a marathon, using almost the same course with an early finish.

So I am thinkin I might start training for one of these... What do I have to lose? I'll keep ya posted!!!

Happy Tuesday~

Peace!

Me

So Jenny tagged me in this little survey... something I do not always do so here it is:
I am: who I amI want: to travel and see new places
I have: been to Italy and loved every minute of it
I dislike: dishonest, non-driven peopleI miss: my best friend in the entire universe, PaulaI fear: losing my parents
I feel: good about who I am
I hear: my television, Tyra talking to a 15 year old girl who wants to get married, NOW-I smell: cleanI crave: gelato in ItalyI cry: too much
I usually: get what I want
I regret: losing close friendships
I search: for time to get everything done in a dayI wonder: what the girls will be when they grow up
I love: home
I care: about peopleI always: try to do my best which can be a problem because sometimes I am too much of a perfectionist
I worry: about my father
I am not: as logical as I would like to be
I remember: driving with my grandpa when I was little, he let me skip church and took me for a drive!
I believe: that people can do anything they set their mind to
I dance: when I am drunkI sing: at the top of my lungs in my jeep, especially when the song has meaning
I don't always: eat what I am supposed to
I argue: when I am passionate about the situation
I write: in APA style for schoolI win: when I see happiness in the girls
I lose: my temper when other’s do not follow through
I wish: I can’t tell you my wish… it will not come true
I listen: to my parents advice {sometimes}
I don't understand: why God takes some people and leaves others
I can usually be found: in front of a computer
I watch: the ocean waves at sunset
I need: to have an INCREDIBLE month at work for a HUGE raise
I forget: to be grateful for what I DO have, instead of worrying about what I do not have
I am happy: that I went to Italy… and did it on my own!

So I took this fun little quiz... Are You Bold? Here is what it came up with:

You Are Bold When it Counts

You don't make a big fuss about getting what you want... unless it's really important to you. Then you're as bold as you want to be. You just go for it! You're often up for a little excitement and adventure. Well, as long as the cost isn't too great. You enjoy risk, but not for it's own sake. Let's just say you've learned a few lessons about risk in your life.

Are You Bold?