Wednesday, October 24, 2012


Ok so this past week... I have been struggling. Why you ask? Well, one of my friends has a two year old boy. As of two days ago, he'd been in ICU for 21 days. Without going into much detail, they found he had a kidney that had to be removed. They had to find a doctor that would attempt a risky surgery to remove the kidney and they would need to cut off quite a few blood vessels... on a 2 year old! I cannot imagine the worry and fear my friend dealt with. Luckily he made it through the surgery successful and is recovering. Then, my cousin shared on FB that a close friend of hers died from childbirth. The friend had a 3 year old daughter and just gave birth to their second daughter. A few days after the birth she died. These situations really piss me off! It really tests my faith and anymore, I don't know about faith. We can say that all the prayers helped my friends little boy but you can't tell me that there were more prayers for him over the mother. So when people say that prayers work... I have very high doubts. When Paula died it seemed like the entire freaking state of Arizona was praying for her and she had more faith in Him than almost anyone I know. I mean.. who says "I got cancer because I kept asking God to find me a way to stay home with my girls so he gave me cancer and now I get to stay home with them". That is some faith people! So tell me why it's fair that murders and other people who obviously have no concept of a moral or value get to live and children, mothers, fathers, people who are good die so early and are taken from us? I remember struggling with this when Paula was diagnosed with breast cancer. Somehow, I had some type of faith. Let me tell you, back then my faith was strong! I believed that because she had such a strong faith and because so many people were praying for her that she'd be ok. Three years later she died. Yeah, yeah... you can say she got the extra three years and that is true but in reality, she still died and left behind two little girls. My dad... he was a great man but yet because of a service he did for our country years ago, he was taken way to f'ing early. That PISSES me off! And as much pain as I have gone though over the last year, how is someone suppose to fill that emptiness that little 3 year old girl is going to feel when she realizes Mommy is not ever coming home. I want to believe in faith because I DID pray for my friends little boy. I asked my friends to pray for him and I am so thankful that he is ok... so there is some type of faith... deep inside me it is lurking around but on the outside I question it. Go back to church someone will probably tell me... well if I go back to church that won't bring back the mom who left behind her husband and two daughters, it won't bring back Paula, and it sure the hell won't bring back my dad. I read someone's post about the mom who died, that maybe sometime she will understand why her friend was taken so early. Well, 8 years later, I still don't see the reason Paula was taken. I can see every reason she should have been able to stay here and raise her daughters but not one reason she should have died. Is she a greeter in Heaven like we thought would happen? Well good for God because I hope he really needed her... I mean who could need someone's mother more than their own children? Am I bitter, yes. Am I negative, probably. Have I changed over the years, yes... why, because I'm losing my faith. Deep, deep down, I do believe in God and I do pray to Him but on the surface I'm very, very, VERY freaking angry at God and I do not get his plan nor do I really like his plan so far.

I cried today because I miss my dad. I miss my best friend too. Two amazing people who should still be here today. This must be my anger stage of Grief...

Wednesday, October 10, 2012


"Grief is not a disorder, a disease, or a sign of weakness. It is an emotional, physical, and spiritual necessity; the price you pay for love. The only cure for grief is to grieve". ~ Earl Grollman

"There is no closure. It's like a scare. Later on, it may not be as red as it had been, but it's still there, hurting when you least expect it, because this is what love is all about. Grief is love never ready to say goodbye".  

I grieve.

Friday, October 05, 2012

Full moon weekend

planting for the fall... 

 love this kid.... 

Monday, October 01, 2012

Meeting in my dreams

Last night we met in my dream. I woke up and you were sitting there. It seemed like a hospital room, I was in the hospital bed, you were in the chair. I remember reaching out and touching your hand. Your skin was tan as usual and your skin was soft like it always was. You told me to stay where I was, that everything was fine. You said you'd be leaving soon and not to follow you. Then you left a note behind, that you loved me and not to come up to you. I didn't want you to go, I cried. I woke up and felt peaceful and happy that you visited. I love you so much dad, thank you for visiting me last night in my dream!

Dad feeding his ducks