Faithfulness

Ok so this past week... I have been struggling. Why you ask? Well, one of my friends has a two year old boy. As of two days ago, he'd been in ICU for 21 days. Without going into much detail, they found he had a kidney that had to be removed. They had to find a doctor that would attempt a risky surgery to remove the kidney and they would need to cut off quite a few blood vessels... on a 2 year old! I cannot imagine the worry and fear my friend dealt with. Luckily he made it through the surgery successful and is recovering. Then, my cousin shared on FB that a close friend of hers died from childbirth. The friend had a 3 year old daughter and just gave birth to their second daughter. A few days after the birth she died. These situations really piss me off! It really tests my faith and anymore, I don't know about faith. We can say that all the prayers helped my friends little boy but you can't tell me that there were more prayers for him over the mother. So when people say that prayers work... I have very high doubts. When Paula died it seemed like the entire freaking state of Arizona was praying for her and she had more faith in Him than almost anyone I know. I mean.. who says "I got cancer because I kept asking God to find me a way to stay home with my girls so he gave me cancer and now I get to stay home with them". That is some faith people! So tell me why it's fair that murders and other people who obviously have no concept of a moral or value get to live and children, mothers, fathers, people who are good die so early and are taken from us? I remember struggling with this when Paula was diagnosed with breast cancer. Somehow, I had some type of faith. Let me tell you, back then my faith was strong! I believed that because she had such a strong faith and because so many people were praying for her that she'd be ok. Three years later she died. Yeah, yeah... you can say she got the extra three years and that is true but in reality, she still died and left behind two little girls. My dad... he was a great man but yet because of a service he did for our country years ago, he was taken way to f'ing early. That PISSES me off! And as much pain as I have gone though over the last year, how is someone suppose to fill that emptiness that little 3 year old girl is going to feel when she realizes Mommy is not ever coming home. I want to believe in faith because I DID pray for my friends little boy. I asked my friends to pray for him and I am so thankful that he is ok... so there is some type of faith... deep inside me it is lurking around but on the outside I question it. Go back to church someone will probably tell me... well if I go back to church that won't bring back the mom who left behind her husband and two daughters, it won't bring back Paula, and it sure the hell won't bring back my dad. I read someone's post about the mom who died, that maybe sometime she will understand why her friend was taken so early. Well, 8 years later, I still don't see the reason Paula was taken. I can see every reason she should have been able to stay here and raise her daughters but not one reason she should have died. Is she a greeter in Heaven like we thought would happen? Well good for God because I hope he really needed her... I mean who could need someone's mother more than their own children? Am I bitter, yes. Am I negative, probably. Have I changed over the years, yes... why, because I'm losing my faith. Deep, deep down, I do believe in God and I do pray to Him but on the surface I'm very, very, VERY freaking angry at God and I do not get his plan nor do I really like his plan so far.

I cried today because I miss my dad. I miss my best friend too. Two amazing people who should still be here today. This must be my anger stage of Grief...

End of the world?

(Max and Howie, 2001)

You know those days were you seem like it's the end of the world and nothing could be worse? Well then you read about an adorable little baby who has baby asthema and think, yes, there are things that could be worse. Worrying about your baby, it's worse than my day.

but on that note... I would just like to say, even though today is not the worst day, it wasn't one of the better days. Overall, I am lucky because I had lunch and a great Starbucks convo with a friend who always makes me laugh. (I always have to throw in the optimistic side)

Today though, was one of those days I missed my best friend. I wanted to call her and talk about my stresses. I miss having that in my life. That is one of the worst things for me... not having Paula there, especially on the days I would turn to her to vent with, head to dinner and a movie with, and know that no matter what, she would listen and be there for me.

I think I've cried it all out and my head is clear again though. Just school, life, not working out for 4 days, you know, the typical stress of my life and every once in awhile I have a mental breakdown. Accounting is almost done (24 hours left) and I am seriously considering taking off a few weeks to focus on some training but I am not sure yet, we'll see. This is a random, type out my feelings post, but in a year, it will definitely be interesting to see how far I have come....

Thanks for listening

~peace~

Faith turns 10

One of my absolute favorite pictures of both Paula and Faith. On September 15, Faith turned 10. It has been a long rode for this kid and she is definitely an amazing girl. I took cookies out to Faith's class. She struggles with reading and writing but does great in math. We talk as much as possible going to college and doing something that she will love and would be great at. Of course, we have some time to figure that one out. My goal this year is to spend some quality time with her and help her with her reading and writing. I know she struggles and it's a huge reasons she does not like school. I cannot imagine struggling with those two things and enjoying going into a classroom. This weekend, we spent time working on a homework project, a time line of her life. She looked through her baby book and we both cried. Paula had started a scrapbook for her and while reading it, I remembered how funny that woman was. When I read to Faith, I could hear Paula actually telling the story. I wish she would have been able to get farther in the book but regardless, it is something Faith can treasure forever! After going through the book, looking at pictures, and talking about other events throughout Faith's life we were able to get started on the project and finished it the next day. We also spent time discussing 'girl' things. I cannot believe she is 10 and it is definitely time to start discussing certain things so I know she'll have the right information. On Saturday morning, we enjoyed some shopping and breakfast. We had a great time and she picked out Webkins for her birthday present. I love that girl more than I can explain. After she left my house, she went to Amazing Jake's with her friend Jessie to celebrate her birthday! She was so excited to go.

Happy 10th Birthday Faith!

I LOVE YOU!!!

A day

So today, started out to be a bad day for me. I showed up at the gym to recover my swimming goggles from the lost and found box only to find out someone "picked them up" and it was NOT me. Then I came home to find out my instructor slammed my part of a team paper. We still got an A but... I was really ticked off about it. Next, was the eye opener that life is not THAT bad. I received an email from one of my students letting me know she did not post her homework last night because her mom had unexpectantly passed away. Her mom was 50, she is 20, and she found her. This all happened before 6:30 am.

As I drove to work, I put in my "God" music. A cd I made for Paula's funeral/worship night. Ok- note to self... do not listen to music that will make you cry while driving to work. I HATE death... it always brings back vivid memories of Paula and the last days with her.

Once I got to work, my day seemed to get better... until I found out Sync and Swim was currently not in business {if you shop there, call back after March 21 to see if they have store hours again}. I eventually found a place that I could go for goggles {yes, I try them on before I buy them}. I headed over after work, got the goggles, and was on the way out of the parking lot when......

Some old man accidently took his foot off the break and rear ended my NEW 4 RUNNER!!!! Yes, I said some major bad words! From the looks of it... my vehicle was fin. He hit the hitch of my vehicle. I still got his info and headed to my mechanics where they waited for me to show up even though they were done for the day. Well, they were finishing up. They looked my vehicle over and said it was fine! Thank goodness... I am fine as well. I think I have some stiffness in my back but nothing a chiropractor and good massage can't fix.

So tonight, even though this day goes in my book as a "bad" day.... I am thankful for many things:
My mom
My dad
My friendship with Paula
I have a job
Morgan and Faith
Friends
Family
My AWESOME Mechanics
My 4 runner that is still unharmed
Max and the annoying Howie

Definitely the list goes on but those are the main things I can think of today. I hope you all had a good day and a better tomorrow!

Peace~

I have been doing some major cleaning and I came across cards that Paula sent me.


I cried


I miss her


That is all

“I always knew I'd look back on the times I cried and laugh,

but I never thought I'd look back on the times I laughed and cry""

I Remember...

So the last couple of days I followed an old co-workers blog about her husband. He had cancer and the outcome did not look good. It made my heart very sad. She has 2 little ones and it made me remember....
Remember Paula and the last 2 weeks she was with us. I never journaled much about those days. But as I read Em's post... I remembered.
And I remembered that feeling when Em mentioned it did not look good and they would be taking her husband off the breathing machine. I remember the last night laying next to her bed afraid to go to sleep. I was afraid I would not be there when she passed away. I remember Steve {Becky's husband} assuring me that I needed to get some sleep and he would sit with her. I layed there on that chair/bed and cried. I do not know how long I cried, but I do remember Steve praying for Paula, Beck, and I.
I remember waking up the next morning and waiting for the test results. I remember the doctor telling us the 3 options and knowing the only one she would want: to be taken off the machines. I remember calling everyone I could. I remember calling my dad and just crying. I remember the 15+ people who came to her room to meet when she was taken off the machines and I remember singing worship songs for not very long before she passed away.
I remember being numb for a year. Most importantly I REMEMBER her.
Every day... I miss her. The numbness eventually goes away. The anger of her being gone... has not left yet. I wonder if it ever will.
So today, do not forget to tell those around you how much you love them. You never know when that person will be taken or when it will be your time. Choose to love and be happy {easier said than done sometimes}.
Always REMEMBER though.... Paula