Lynkin and the pool

So for whatever reason, Lynkin is terrified of the pool. When he was a puppy, I would sit on the first step and put him on my lap, hoping to ease him into the water. All he wanted was to get out of the pool. When he turned a year and the water was warm again, I tried putting him back in the pool, slowly. Yep, I had a 60 pound dog sitting on my lap and wanting as far away as he could get from this big blue hole with something in it that he was only used to drinking... aka water.

For the last 5 weeks, my mom has been staying at my house and her dog LOVES to swim in the pool. My mom has been putting both dogs in the fenced in area of the pool. Lynkin has actually been running around the pool and the dogs have played. I might add that last summer if I went near the pool, Lynkin went right back in the house!

I was getting excited, thinking that even if he doesn't want to swim, at least he won't run back in the house when I go near the pool. That's a huge plus!

Well, yesterday...... my mom was sitting by the pool, her small dog fell in the pool, she grabbed him and pulled him out. In the meantime, Lynkin and Bella (her lab), were running around the pool, playing. The next thing my mom knew, Lynkin had fallen in the pool! My poor mom, on crutches, had to get up and crutch her way to the end of the pool. Lynkin was holding on to the edge with his front paws. She grabbed onto him and pulled him out. Now Lynk will not go near the pool nor will he go outside when she is by the pool. This means we start all over again.

What this also means is not only watch your children around your pool but your dogs too! My mom said she turned her head for about 2 seconds and Lynkin was in the pool. That's also how long it takes for a child to fall in the pool. Luckily Lynkin (the brilliant dog he is) knew to grab on to the side of the pool! He's safe, my mom's little dog is safe, and I just have to work on helping Lynkin know the pool is not his enemy.

Watch your CHILDREN and your DOGS by the pool!!!!

A daughter’s love for her Dad is forever

I came across a Christmas card that I had bought for my dad but never mailed. Gave it to a friend so she could give it to her dad. (see below what the card said)

It seems that after 8 months, it's getting harder and harder. My heart hurt in the beginning, more like it just died with him. Then, I started to feel better, a bit more like myself. Since the end of February, I feel ... I don't know like I'm a walking emotional person who misses my dad more than anything. Maybe it's because it's more real now. Maybe it's because my mom has been living at my house for the last month, it just seems like I tear up over anything... 

seeing Erika with her dad

talking with Nat about her dad

seeing a young child with her dad

listening to a co-worker tell me about his conversation with his dad

listening to a song on the radio (or Helen Reddy over and over)

I know I am ok and I know in time it will get a little easier but for now, I will just keep up with the roller coaster knowing that my dad is always in my heart. 

A daughter’s love for her Dad is forever

A dad is his daughter’s first hero,

The man she admires from the start,

And whether she’s small or completely grown up,

He has a warm place in her heart.

{card I bought for my dad a couple years ago}

{one of my favorite photos from his service. I love how my cousin captured his baby picture in the background of the photo of him and I}

Estate Planning and Will

Ok so everyone needs to listen and listen very carefully....

Death and what we will leave behind is not something that most people really want to talk about. Unfortunately, we are all going to experience it at some point and trust me, it's horrible.

When Paula died, I talked with both of my parents about things, leaving a will, being an organ donor, various conversations but I never did anything. I didn't make a will, neither one of my parents made wills, I have yet to register as an organ donor... ridiculous, right? Probably but I think so many of us talk about it but do we actually follow through?

Well, after the last 7 months of hell, I cannot express the importance of getting things in order. Fighting, arguing, and I'm thinking wars could break out over not having a will. Seriously, even though my dad had most stuff in a trust, it's insane. When my dad completed this, he wasn't in his 'normal' frame of mind; however, the lawyer and doctor's said he was (uhmmm a month before he filled out his will, he was talking about flying his plane that I might add he had not had since the 80's and then he mentioned he'd just steal a plane to fly). My dad's mind frame had not been right since April of 2008 but what do I know, I'm only his daughter. Apparently everyone else was much more aware of my father's frame of mind! So now, I deal with (sorry, cover your eyes) but basically bullshit that is more frustrating than I can handle. Honestly, I just want to grieve the death of my dad. I don't want to be bitter, angry, or hate the world but when I have to deal with stupidity, how can I heal? I can't. Every day can be a constant reminder of my dad moving over 2000 miles from me. A reminder of my dad going to make this better life for himself and to provide better for me as well all for what? For someone else to control everything? F-ing ridiculous is what I say. So I am telling you now, for your children and family members sanity, go out and get your estate in order. Have everything spelled out. Talk with your kids or parents or whoever is being left with things. Let them know.... COMMUNICATE.

I have talked with my mom over and over how we need to do this and guess what, we put it off. My mom has property with my uncle and God forbid anything happen to her (because seriously, my life will end) but I don't want to have to fight with him because things were not spelled out and I am at a loss. When I have to go through this hell again, I want to be able to grieve and not worry about stupid things that should not matter but do (I mean, my taxes are me and having an idiot be a part of what I will have to file, someone who honestly, probably got her degree from no man's University or bel ford university for that matter)... that affects me and I could end up getting screwed if she is really as dumb as she seems to be. Lord seriously help me! Luckily I have a knowledgable accountant who is willing to call her and talk with her.

So today, I called a lawyer to make an appointment for both my mom and I to complete a will and have our estate's in order. That way, if and when something happens, we have everything taken care of. There will be no surprises. My mom and I communicate and I cannot tell you how important this is to do. My dad and I had talked about things but as his illness progressed, he just didn't care anymore. He didn't want to deal with things because he just wanted to be happy and not have a care in the world. I can't blame him but at the same time... grrrr! He thought it would all be fine but it's not. It's been an absolute nightmare and emotions come up that I can't deal with anymore.

So please, if there is anything you get out of this, it's not my nightmare or to feel sorry for me because I will be fine...  but please, learn from it. Talk with your parents, make sure that their estate is in order, that you are aware of what will happen. Make sure that your children are protected. You live your life for your children, you sacrifice for you children so don't let the government or someone else take all YOUR hard work from your children. Protect them!

Dad,

I just wanted you to know that I love you and I miss you so much!

Love,
your daughter

Sage and Balsamic Pork, Mashed Potatoes, and Biscuits with Parmesan and Butter

Dinner for the night: 

Sage and Balsamic Pork

Mashed Potatoes

Biscuits with Parmesan & Butter

Sage and Balsamic Pork or Chicken

1 lb. of boneless pork rib, loins or 3 boneless chicken breasts

4 thin slices of prosciutto (sliced)

½ onion (sliced)

1-2 garlic cloves (minced)

6-10 sage leaves

1 bay leave

1/2 cup of balsamic vinegar 

1 cup of chicken stock

1 can of diced tomatoes (Italian blend)

1-2 tablespoons of butter

Salt and pepper to taste

In a crock pot add all ingredients set low for 8-10 or high for 4-6 hours. Add more salt and pepper to taste once cooked. Serve with mashed potatoes or rice.

Biscuits with Parmesan & Butter

3 tablespoons Butter, melted

1 teaspoon garlic powder

1/2 teaspoon dried parsley

1 teaspoon onion powder

1 tablespoon grated parmesan cheese

1/3 cup shredded mozzarella cheese

1 can of biscuits

Preheat oven to 425. Melt butter and add garlic, parsley, onion, and parmesan. Put in a 9" baking ban. Sprinkle cheese on top of melted butter mixture. Layer biscuits so they lay tightly together. Bake for 12 minutes and let set for 3 minutes. Turn baking pan upside down on a serving dish. 

Surgery

About 3 weeks ago, my mom fell. She had a hard time walking and thought she pulled a muscle. Knowing she would need a doctor's note for work, she headed to her family physician a couple days after the fall. He took an x-ray and nothing. The following week, she decided to go to her orthopedic surgeon and sure enough, he diagnosed her right away with a fractured hip. After the MRI confirmed the fracture, she was scheduled to have surgery. The doctor is putting three screws in her hip to hold everything together so she can heal. So here I am, sitting in a waiting room, waiting for my mom to come out of surgery. I know I blog a lot about my dad and not so much my mom. My mom doesn't read my blog and my dad used to read it. That's not a good reason not to post on here how incredible my mom is though.

My mom is my solid rock. We can fight, well, she drives me crazy and I drive her nuts with my 'attitudes' but no matter what, we have an unconditional love that I hope every mother and child has. My mom has always, always been there for me. When I'm sick, she's on the phone listening to me whine. Volunteering to bring me whatever it is I need. Even picking me up to bring her to her house because I can't get out of bed. When I go out of town, she watches my dog(s). Now, I know she doesn't mind watching Lynkin but Max... oh Max. She didn't like Max very much but she still watched him for me. She'll make me dinner on her birthday. She deals with my screaming and crying when I'm so, so frustrated. When I was little, she would put a cold washcloth on my head when I was sick and force me to drink hot totties (not until I was older though). She taught me to drive, she taught me everything. It's always been my mom and I. She sacrificed more than I probably will ever know, just for me. I have hurt her feelings, she has hurt mine but we still love each other, no matter what. I would do anything in this world for my mom and I know she would do anything for me too. I think that it's just too hard to express how much she means to me.

So as I sit here waiting for her surgery to be over, I just want the world to know how much I appreciate and love my mom.

Oh and no worries about the surgery. I let her doctor know that this is my only mother, my only parent still living and that he needs to make sure he's on his A-game when he goes into surgery with her. I double checked this morning that he had a good nights sleep, he said yes! When we first met this doctor, he did not have much personality but over the last 18 months since our first visit with him, he's coming around and even smiles and jokes now. I feel confident with him taking care of my mom. That's always a good thing!

I love you MOM!!! You are the most amazingly, loving, strong woman I know! It's you and me, against the world!

Call your parents, today

Today I was just thinking how nice it would be to be able to pick up the phone and call my dad, for no reason, just to say hi. 

It seems like lately, I talk to my mom almost every day now. Which is a good thing. 
For those of you who may take something as simple as a hello or I love you to your parents for granted, I highly advise you pick up the phone and call them to say you love them. One day you won't be able to and let me tell you... IT SUCKS!!!!

Happy Birthday Dad!!!!

My Dad and Great Grandma Lostracco
1949

Yo Pops

Uhmmm... it would be nice if you'd come chill with me in my dream tonight. Then we could talk.

My 3 reasons I would like this:
1) I miss you sooooo much!
2) Because you love me... duh
3) Because I love you all the way from earth!

Thanks Daddy!

you're daughter :)

One week home, doctor's orders

So this week, I woke up on Sunday not feeling well. Sore throat, ear was bugging me, the normal 'cold' or sinus symptoms. Figured I'd be ok the next morning because there are days I don't feel great but it usually passes. Those days relate to allergies. Why do I get allergies now in Arizona? When my dad was 9, the whole family picked up and moved from Niagara Falls because he had horrible allergies. People moved HERE because allergies were not bad. Now, I get allergies! I'm from here! Does anyone else out there agree that this is completely annoying? My mother claims it's because so many people have moved here and brought their plants and flowers with them. I despise allergies!

this is how we roll when I am home sick for a week!

So, I wake up on Monday morning and there is no way I'm going to work. I still don't feel well. Then I open my mouth to talk. Talk to whom you may wonder but that is beside the point. I knew my throat hurt so I needed to find out quickly if my voice was still there. It was but barely. It was like it was hanging on for it's last life line. I called in sick and went back to sleep until 11 am. Crazy, right? I guess my body needed that. Monday night, not feeling much better. Ear is bugging me, throat still hurts, glands are swollen, and now I have a headache. No fever so that is good. I'm up and down all night. Call in the next morning again. Apparently my co-workers know something is seriously wrong because... I'm never gone. They are right. I do not feel good! ugh-
Wednesday morning, I wake up with another headache and ear ache. Voice is a little better but not much. I struggle whether I should go in or not. I really need to be at work but I also need to rest my voice so I can talk. I call in again and decide I'm going to the doctor today. So, I make an appointment and at 11:30 I'm face to face with the absolute BEST doctor in the world! He's seriously amazing and so, so sweet. I love that I can also pretty much self diagnose myself. I think over the last few years I've only been wrong once on my self diagnosis. He says I have the crap going around and I tell him I think it's an ear infection and a sinus infection (at that point he only knew I didn't have a voice so that is why he wasn't aware of the ear and sinus stuff). Checked my ear, yep... middle ear infection. Checked all my sinus stuff (that so grosses me out) and yep, sinuses. Apparently, taking allergy medication is good but it also dries everything up. So when you have sinus issues like I do now (again... what the blessed hell!?), drying everything up is not very good. So next year, I need to take allergy medication and Mucinex! So I leave with an antibiotic prescription, a note excusing me from work for the entire week, and instructions for 'No Talking!".

My mom's recipe for a Hot Tottie

So tonight, I tried a couple of remedies to cure this laryngitis that I have. First, my mom told me to boil bean sprouts, then drink the water. It wasn't bad, drank a whole cup full of that stuff. Then, I went for the hot tot tie that my mother ALWAYS makes me drink and even my doctor told me to try one and suggest putting brandy in it too. I love my doctor but I don't like brandy and my mom always uses whiskey, which I don't like either. So my version would either be vodka OR when looking in my cupboard, I found Malibu Rum. I tried it and it was delicious, except I put too much lemon in the drink!

Hopefully tomorrow or at least by Friday, my voice will be back and going to the grocery store won't seem so exhausting!

4th generation

Today, I had the pleasure of spending the day with my mom. We started out having lunch with my great aunt, her granddaughter (which is obviously my second cousin), and her great grandson (adorable 5 month old, Paul). Aunt Nona is 93 years old and I love listening to her stories from years ago. So first, my great grandmother actually graduated from Tempe High. I'm not sure when but I will say, my grandpa was born in 1921 and he had and older sister (Aunt Nona) and older brother (Uncle Freddy). Then, my grandpa, otherwise known as Papa or Buster, graduated from Tempe High and my mom as well. I actually graduated from McClintock because I was in the boundaries for McClintock. My great grandma actually sold property to ASU. I think my favorite story today from Aunt Nona was when she said she'd been driving since she was 16 years old (she's now 93) and has only been in one accident, which was the other person's (he was drunk) fault. She still drives, not much but she does. She just renewed her driver's license last year and it doesn't expire for 5 years (that's entirely different story... can you imagine!).
Well, after lunch, it was time to move my grandma into a new group home. I haven't talked about my grandma before (my mom's mom) but she has dementia and moved to a group home last September or October. It's better because she really needs someone with her 24/7. When I was younger, I wasn't very close to my grandma (my other grandma yes and papa was by far the grandparent I was closest to) but grandma, I just wasn't close to her (again, another story). Over the last couple of years though, I've helped my mom take care of my grandma and my grandma is like a totally different person now. She's nice and sweet and I just love her to death. So today, when I showed up at her new home, my uncle, aunt, and mom were moving her into her new room. My grandma just seemed a bit 'lost' and you could tell she didn't know what to do. She was aware this was her new 'home' but in reality, she just wants to go back 'home'. We tell her she cannot and that this is better for her. I truly believe that. My mom goes to the home about 5 times a week to see my grandma and hopefully when my mom retire's, she can move my grandma into her house.
Anyways, when I got to the house, I told my grandma to come sit down with me. That way she wasn't wandering and following everyone. I told her how excited I was for her to be in a new home with a lot more people. I asked if she had met any of them (there were about 5 women out in the living room watching tv). My grandma said yes and she told me "they're old". I laughed and said "well grandma, you are old too". She laughed and I asked if she knew how old she was, she told me "I'm 60". I really laughed because my grandma is 90, almost 91 (in May).
My grandma makes me laugh now and I love spending time with her. It doesn't bother me she'll ask questions over and over. I love how she sees a building, such as the BOA building at Southern and Alma School, and tells me how big the building is. Or how she tells you how pretty the red car is! I love that she knows who I am but cannot remember my name. I'm glad that I've spent this time with her and been there to help my mom. Maybe just the last couple of years, I've realized how important my family is. My mom, my dad, my grandma (the only living grandparent I have).
Oh- and I'm kinda proud to be 4th generation that grew up in Tempe.

6 months

6 months ago, I was in the hospital in Fairbanks. I had landed almost 72 hours earlier and went straight from the airport to the hospital. I didn't leave until... until my dad was gone. 6 months ago, I was probably sitting next to his bed at this time. Wanting things to change. Wanting my dad to be ok but knowing that it was time. 6 months ago, I made phone calls to his brothers and sisters so I could put the phone next to his ear and they could say good-bye. 6 months ago, I laid next to my dad in his hospital bed, holding his hand, my head on his shoulder, and I slept. I felt comfort next to him, I felt safe and content. 6 months ago, I told my dad I would be ok. That he could go, he could go with mom and his dad now. 6 months ago, I told my dad how much I loved him. How much he meant to me. How much I appreciated everything he had ever done for me. 6 months ago, I let go of any pain or hurt I had and I forgave him for things that he never understood. 6 months ago, I sat in a hospital room, making plans for my dad after he passed away. What funeral home, signing papers, helping nurses when they moved him so he wouldn't get bed sores. 6 months ago, I was at my dad's feet, helping the nurses, when I saw her face, the nurses face. Then I saw her lips move and I heard her whisper to the other nurse... he's not breathing. 6 months ago, I looked at the nurse and I knew, I knew my dad had let go. 6 months ago, I ran next to his side, I hugged him, I cried, I told him I loved him, and I said good-bye to my dad's body. 6 months ago I called my mom at 11:30 at night and told her how much I loved her. 6 months ago, a part of me died.  


This song, I Won't Let Go, by Rascal Flatts, makes me think of my dad. It makes me remember how much I wanted to fix him and make him feel better. It makes me realize how life changes. When I was born, he wanted to protect me and keep me safe. In his final days, I wanted to protect him and keep him safe. 

It’s like a storm
That cuts a path
It breaks your will
It feels like that
You think you're lost
But you're not lost
On your own
You're not alone

I will stand by you
I will help you through
When you’ve done all you can do
And you can’t cope
I will dry your eyes
I will fight your fight
I will hold you tight
And I won't let go

It hurts my heart
To see you cry
I know it’s dark
This part of life
Oh, it finds us all
But we’re too small
To stop the rain
Oh, but when it rains

I will stand by you
I will help you through
When you’ve done all you can do
And you can’t cope
I will dry your eyes
I will fight your fight
I will hold you tight
And I won't let you fall

Don’t be afraid to fall
I’m right here to catch you
I won't let you down
It won't get you down
You're gonna make it
Yeah, I know you can make it

Cause I will stand by you
I will help you through
When you’ve done all you can do
And you can’t cope
And I will dry your eyes
I will fight your fight
I will hold you tight
And I won't let go

Oh I’m gonna hold you
And I won't let go
Won't let you go
No, I won't

Reminder

He had Hepatic encephalopathy. 
My mom reminded me tonight. 

Symptoms many begin slowly and gradually worsen, or they may begin suddenly and be severe from the start.

Symptoms may be mild at first. Family members or caregivers may notice that the patient has:

• Breath with a musty or sweet odor - not sure about this one
• Change in sleep patterns - totally...  but thought it was due to his PTSD. He started sleeping during the day and was awake at night, effecting going into work prior to his retirement.
• Changes in thinking - yep
• Confusion that is mild - yep
• Forgetfulness - he disagreed but he did
• Mental fogginess - can you say discombobulated??? Definitely
• Personality or mood changes - Totally noticed changes beginning in April 2008
• Poor concentration - Yes
• Poor judgment - In my opinion, definitely!
• Worsening of handwriting or loss of other small hand movements - Handwriting, yes. Small hand movements, I'm not sure about that one

More severe symptoms may include:

• Abnormal movements or shaking of hands or arms - in the end, yes
• Agitation, excitement, or seizures (occur rarely) - oh yes
• Disorientation - see discombobulated
• Drowsiness or confusion - sleeping for 4 days in a row would be yes on drowsiness and confusion would be equivalent to using a fork to open a can of peaches, I'd say yes.
• Inappropriate behavior or severe personality changes - I saw things that didn't seem like my dad and in 2008, there were some personality changes that I'd say were equal to the personality changes.
• Slurred speech - yep
• Slowed or sluggish movement - definitely at the end. 
  Read here for more information on Hepatic Encephalopathy

So this explains some of his decisions. Decisions I am dealing with now and decisions that still make me wonder if I was good enough for him. Did I let him down? I hate having these thoughts, thoughts I've always had but I know in my heart that he did love me. He was proud of me. I did not let him down. The decisions made were only done because he thought he was doing the right thing. He had hepatic encephalopathy. He just didn't want to deal with it all. Hell, I don't want to deal with it now either but I will and I will not back down. 

So dad, if you are listening, please keep giving me strength because I know if this situation was a little different and it was in regard to mom, you'd tell me to not back down. To look out for me. That blood is thicker than water and your family is who will be there in the end. 

Life is definitely not fair but seriously world, when someone's down... can ya stop kicking? Thanks!

Goodbye 2011

So 2011, I'd have to say was the worst year of my entire life. For those of you who know me, you know why and unfortunately, there was more than just my dad passing away. THAT was the worst though and gave me strength for other things I needed to do.

To find things that I am thankful for this past year, the first one would be my mom. I wouldn't have made it through this year without her. She's my rock. My aunt Rosann too. When I was younger we were close and into my adult years, we grew apart. Over the last couple of years though, she's become one of my best friends and was there every step of the way for me. She has been the other rock that I couldn't have made it through without either.

My dad's friends... especially P & Mac. First P, who flew to Alaska for the last few days of my dad's life. Their friendship has always been something I admire and having P there helped me know that the decisions I made were the right ones. P is such an amazing man and has been there for me more than this. The relationship between these two men could be next to the definition of 'Semper Fi'. Next, Mac, who I didn't realize was such a great friend to my dad, appeared because I needed some advice. I found out their relationship was more than business, it was a true friendship. Mac shared stories with me about my dad. It was unexpected but just what I needed to help find peace in my heart.

I am also thankful for my friends, family, and the amazing pup, Lynkin. In 2010, work started to struggle and continued into 2011 but thankfully, it has turned around and I'm back to my comfortable level when it comes to my job.

Lastly, I am so thankful for my dad. 

Just a little brownie with a twist

If you haven't check out Pinterest, you should because it's the best way to 'bookmark' your favorite things.  I've always used 'my favorites' to bookmark website but what I love about Pinterest is it actually bookmarks the exact recipe, photo, diy, and even the exact link to specific items that you would eventually like to purchase (like this).

So, I came across this recipe... something about chocolate chip cookie dough, oreo's, and brownies. Uhmmm... is this not everyone's 3 combinations??? Well, ok, almost everyone... but still, someone called these slutty brownies. I like that name but I called them a little bit of Heaven. You can call them whatever you'd like!

Here is what you'll need:
1 package of chocolate chip cookie mix (you can also use the cookie dough in the tub, tube, or make your own)
1 package of oreo's (I tried it with normal oreo's and what's nice about this is you'll have some left over. Then, I tried it with double stuffed. You won't have any left over but it will taste better in the recipe)
1 box of brownie mix (follow the instructions on the box)

Now... I am going to give you an amazing tip: use parchment paper to line your pan because it will be so, so, so easy for you to get the 'brownies' out of the pan. Plus, there is less mess... now that in itself could be a little like a heavenly tip!

Here is what you do:
Mix your cookie dough and spread it in the bottom of a 9"x13" baking pan (I use my Pampered Chef baking stone and parchment paper)

Layer the Oreo cookies on top of the cookie dough

Mix the brownie mix and pour on top of the cookie dough and Oreo's.

Bake at 350f for 30 mins

 I began to think of some other ideas you could do with this recipe and one thing came to mind... Nutter Butters! You could use chocolate chip cookie dough, peanut butter cookie dough, and even sugar cookie dough... You could also use (as mentioned) Nutter Butters, any variety of the Oreo's, and you know those so good lemon creme sandwich cookies? Yeah... you could use those! I haven't come up with too many ideas for a replacement with the brownie mix but I pretty much think most things will taste good with the brownie mix on top or even try a blondie brownie mix for the top.

Enjoy!

In memory of my dad, I love you!

Grey's Anatomy, Grief

I was watching Grey's... George died and Lizzy said "When it hurts so much you can't breathe, that's how you survive" - I googled it and came across this entire quote from the episode. 


Grief may be a thing we all have in common, but it looks different on everyone. It isn’t just death we have to grieve. It’s life. It’s loss. It’s change. And when we wonder why it has to suck so much sometimes, has to hurt so bad. The thing we gotta try to remember is that it can turn on a dime. That’s how you stay alive. When it hurts so much you can’t breathe, that’s how you survive. By remembering that one day, somehow, impossibly, you won’t feel this way. It won’t hurt this much. Grief comes in its own time for everyone, in its own way. So the best we can do, the best anyone can do, is try for honesty. The really crappy thing, the very worst part of grief is that you can’t control it. The best we can do is try to let ourselves feel it when it comes. And let it go when we can. The very worst part is that the minute you think you’re past it, it starts all over again. And always, every time, it takes your breath away. There are five stages of grief. They look different on all of us, but there are always five. Denial. Anger. Bargaining. Depression. Acceptance. 
~Grey's Anatomy

Dear Dad

I just wanted to say thank you for your strength. I've needed it and I know that it's because of you that I've been able to be so strong. I love you always and forever and I miss you so much!

{wonder when they'll get email in Heaven}

Video

If I sent you an email to come here to view the video of my dad, I was unaware it would ask you to log into Facebook. I will keep trying to ensure you all get to see it!

I made this video in memory of my dad. I love him more than anything and I miss him every day. I never realized how much the loss of my dad would impact me. There is no way anyone can relate to losing a parent until he or she does. The emptiness that you feel is something I think can never be filled. At the end of the video, you'll see a drawing of a guy parachuting. Prior to the service for my dad, my mom and I were going through some things she had at her house. We found a letter that my dad had written to her after their divorce. At the end of the letter, I saw that little parachute guy. A drawing I remember so well but had not seen in a very long time. My heart aches for my dad but I'm so lucky that I have so many memories of my dad and that my dad always shared stories with me so I can keep his memory alive.

I love you dad, forever!