6 months

6 months ago, I was in the hospital in Fairbanks. I had landed almost 72 hours earlier and went straight from the airport to the hospital. I didn't leave until... until my dad was gone. 6 months ago, I was probably sitting next to his bed at this time. Wanting things to change. Wanting my dad to be ok but knowing that it was time. 6 months ago, I made phone calls to his brothers and sisters so I could put the phone next to his ear and they could say good-bye. 6 months ago, I laid next to my dad in his hospital bed, holding his hand, my head on his shoulder, and I slept. I felt comfort next to him, I felt safe and content. 6 months ago, I told my dad I would be ok. That he could go, he could go with mom and his dad now. 6 months ago, I told my dad how much I loved him. How much he meant to me. How much I appreciated everything he had ever done for me. 6 months ago, I let go of any pain or hurt I had and I forgave him for things that he never understood. 6 months ago, I sat in a hospital room, making plans for my dad after he passed away. What funeral home, signing papers, helping nurses when they moved him so he wouldn't get bed sores. 6 months ago, I was at my dad's feet, helping the nurses, when I saw her face, the nurses face. Then I saw her lips move and I heard her whisper to the other nurse... he's not breathing. 6 months ago, I looked at the nurse and I knew, I knew my dad had let go. 6 months ago, I ran next to his side, I hugged him, I cried, I told him I loved him, and I said good-bye to my dad's body. 6 months ago I called my mom at 11:30 at night and told her how much I loved her. 6 months ago, a part of me died.  


This song, I Won't Let Go, by Rascal Flatts, makes me think of my dad. It makes me remember how much I wanted to fix him and make him feel better. It makes me realize how life changes. When I was born, he wanted to protect me and keep me safe. In his final days, I wanted to protect him and keep him safe. 

It’s like a storm
That cuts a path
It breaks your will
It feels like that
You think you're lost
But you're not lost
On your own
You're not alone

I will stand by you
I will help you through
When you’ve done all you can do
And you can’t cope
I will dry your eyes
I will fight your fight
I will hold you tight
And I won't let go

It hurts my heart
To see you cry
I know it’s dark
This part of life
Oh, it finds us all
But we’re too small
To stop the rain
Oh, but when it rains

I will stand by you
I will help you through
When you’ve done all you can do
And you can’t cope
I will dry your eyes
I will fight your fight
I will hold you tight
And I won't let you fall

Don’t be afraid to fall
I’m right here to catch you
I won't let you down
It won't get you down
You're gonna make it
Yeah, I know you can make it

Cause I will stand by you
I will help you through
When you’ve done all you can do
And you can’t cope
And I will dry your eyes
I will fight your fight
I will hold you tight
And I won't let go

Oh I’m gonna hold you
And I won't let go
Won't let you go
No, I won't