Reminder

He had Hepatic encephalopathy. 
My mom reminded me tonight. 

Symptoms many begin slowly and gradually worsen, or they may begin suddenly and be severe from the start.

Symptoms may be mild at first. Family members or caregivers may notice that the patient has:

• Breath with a musty or sweet odor - not sure about this one
• Change in sleep patterns - totally...  but thought it was due to his PTSD. He started sleeping during the day and was awake at night, effecting going into work prior to his retirement.
• Changes in thinking - yep
• Confusion that is mild - yep
• Forgetfulness - he disagreed but he did
• Mental fogginess - can you say discombobulated??? Definitely
• Personality or mood changes - Totally noticed changes beginning in April 2008
• Poor concentration - Yes
• Poor judgment - In my opinion, definitely!
• Worsening of handwriting or loss of other small hand movements - Handwriting, yes. Small hand movements, I'm not sure about that one

More severe symptoms may include:

• Abnormal movements or shaking of hands or arms - in the end, yes
• Agitation, excitement, or seizures (occur rarely) - oh yes
• Disorientation - see discombobulated
• Drowsiness or confusion - sleeping for 4 days in a row would be yes on drowsiness and confusion would be equivalent to using a fork to open a can of peaches, I'd say yes.
• Inappropriate behavior or severe personality changes - I saw things that didn't seem like my dad and in 2008, there were some personality changes that I'd say were equal to the personality changes.
• Slurred speech - yep
• Slowed or sluggish movement - definitely at the end. 
  Read here for more information on Hepatic Encephalopathy

So this explains some of his decisions. Decisions I am dealing with now and decisions that still make me wonder if I was good enough for him. Did I let him down? I hate having these thoughts, thoughts I've always had but I know in my heart that he did love me. He was proud of me. I did not let him down. The decisions made were only done because he thought he was doing the right thing. He had hepatic encephalopathy. He just didn't want to deal with it all. Hell, I don't want to deal with it now either but I will and I will not back down. 

So dad, if you are listening, please keep giving me strength because I know if this situation was a little different and it was in regard to mom, you'd tell me to not back down. To look out for me. That blood is thicker than water and your family is who will be there in the end. 

Life is definitely not fair but seriously world, when someone's down... can ya stop kicking? Thanks!