Missing you

I freaking miss this man!!!!! 

I'll wait for you in my dreams tonight. I miss you so much Dad. When does this get easier?

Veterans day video

"It is, in a way, an odd thing to honor those who died in defense of our country, in defense of us, in wars far away. The imagination plays a trick. We see these soldiers in our mind as old and wise. We see them as something like the Founding Fathers, grave and gray haired. But most of them were boys when they died, and they gave up two lives—the one they were living and the one they would have lived. When they died, they gave up their chance to be husbands and fathers and grandfathers. They gave up their chance to be revered old men. They gave up everything for our country, for us. And all we can do is remember."  Ronald Reagan

Thank you to those who have served and still serve. 

Thank you Dad! I miss you tons. Ultimately, you gave your life for this country. You have always and will always be my hero! xoxox

USMC

Happy 237th Birthday to the 

United States Marine Corps!

Things I am Grateful for

Ok, so my last post... a bit deep so I think I should soften this up with things that I am thankful for.

My mom
    I know I've expressed this before but I am so, so grateful for her!
Lynkin
    I love this dog like no other. He's my forever dog. He's amazing and good and sweet. He pretty chill and cuddles. He likes to sleep on the couch but only when no one is on it. I think God must have known I'd need L in my life and he came right in time.
Family
    my cousins (Ronni and Steph) and my Aunt Rosann. I know I can pick up the phone and rely on one of these 3 to be there for me in a heartbeat. I know the rest of my family is there for me too and I'm grateful for them as well.
My home
     I love my house!
My job
     I can truly say I enjoy my job. There are days when I don't but overall, I'm thankful for my job and that it can provide me the comforts of my home and let L eat on a daily basis.
My health
Life
     This is kind of huge because the last two years have been very hard for me. Still is... but I am thankful for waking up in the morning and the life I have.
Friendship
     I have amazing friends whom I feel I've pushed away over the last two years. My friends are still there, I just need to remember to reach out. I really have true friends and I'm so thankful for them!
My dad
     My mom gets it... my dad was my heart. My mom is as well but my dad is just different. I've spend time reading posts on Facebook from children who grew up without their dad, who had strained relationships with their dads because of the war, and it makes me realize after all these years how amazing my dad was. I took him for granted for so long and I regret that. At the same time, I'm more than forever grateful for my divorce that brought me closer to my dad. That sounds crazy but it's the truth. My dad did his very best and I'm so thankful that God chose him to be my dad. I love him with all my heart. I miss being able to call him and talk with him. So anyone reading this.... do not take your parents for granted because one day you'll want another conversation and you won't be able to get one.

These are things that I am thankful for. I'm also thankful that within me, I have a faith in God. Even if I may be angry, my faith is still there. If I didn't have this faith, I don't think I'd make it in this world.

Faithfulness

Ok so this past week... I have been struggling. Why you ask? Well, one of my friends has a two year old boy. As of two days ago, he'd been in ICU for 21 days. Without going into much detail, they found he had a kidney that had to be removed. They had to find a doctor that would attempt a risky surgery to remove the kidney and they would need to cut off quite a few blood vessels... on a 2 year old! I cannot imagine the worry and fear my friend dealt with. Luckily he made it through the surgery successful and is recovering. Then, my cousin shared on FB that a close friend of hers died from childbirth. The friend had a 3 year old daughter and just gave birth to their second daughter. A few days after the birth she died. These situations really piss me off! It really tests my faith and anymore, I don't know about faith. We can say that all the prayers helped my friends little boy but you can't tell me that there were more prayers for him over the mother. So when people say that prayers work... I have very high doubts. When Paula died it seemed like the entire freaking state of Arizona was praying for her and she had more faith in Him than almost anyone I know. I mean.. who says "I got cancer because I kept asking God to find me a way to stay home with my girls so he gave me cancer and now I get to stay home with them". That is some faith people! So tell me why it's fair that murders and other people who obviously have no concept of a moral or value get to live and children, mothers, fathers, people who are good die so early and are taken from us? I remember struggling with this when Paula was diagnosed with breast cancer. Somehow, I had some type of faith. Let me tell you, back then my faith was strong! I believed that because she had such a strong faith and because so many people were praying for her that she'd be ok. Three years later she died. Yeah, yeah... you can say she got the extra three years and that is true but in reality, she still died and left behind two little girls. My dad... he was a great man but yet because of a service he did for our country years ago, he was taken way to f'ing early. That PISSES me off! And as much pain as I have gone though over the last year, how is someone suppose to fill that emptiness that little 3 year old girl is going to feel when she realizes Mommy is not ever coming home. I want to believe in faith because I DID pray for my friends little boy. I asked my friends to pray for him and I am so thankful that he is ok... so there is some type of faith... deep inside me it is lurking around but on the outside I question it. Go back to church someone will probably tell me... well if I go back to church that won't bring back the mom who left behind her husband and two daughters, it won't bring back Paula, and it sure the hell won't bring back my dad. I read someone's post about the mom who died, that maybe sometime she will understand why her friend was taken so early. Well, 8 years later, I still don't see the reason Paula was taken. I can see every reason she should have been able to stay here and raise her daughters but not one reason she should have died. Is she a greeter in Heaven like we thought would happen? Well good for God because I hope he really needed her... I mean who could need someone's mother more than their own children? Am I bitter, yes. Am I negative, probably. Have I changed over the years, yes... why, because I'm losing my faith. Deep, deep down, I do believe in God and I do pray to Him but on the surface I'm very, very, VERY freaking angry at God and I do not get his plan nor do I really like his plan so far.

I cried today because I miss my dad. I miss my best friend too. Two amazing people who should still be here today. This must be my anger stage of Grief...

grief

"Grief is not a disorder, a disease, or a sign of weakness. It is an emotional, physical, and spiritual necessity; the price you pay for love. The only cure for grief is to grieve". ~ Earl Grollman

"There is no closure. It's like a scare. Later on, it may not be as red as it had been, but it's still there, hurting when you least expect it, because this is what love is all about. Grief is love never ready to say goodbye".  

I grieve.

Full moon weekend

planting for the fall... 

 love this kid.... 

Meeting in my dreams

Last night we met in my dream. I woke up and you were sitting there. It seemed like a hospital room, I was in the hospital bed, you were in the chair. I remember reaching out and touching your hand. Your skin was tan as usual and your skin was soft like it always was. You told me to stay where I was, that everything was fine. You said you'd be leaving soon and not to follow you. Then you left a note behind, that you loved me and not to come up to you. I didn't want you to go, I cried. I woke up and felt peaceful and happy that you visited. I love you so much dad, thank you for visiting me last night in my dream!

Dad feeding his ducks

e-mail from heaven?

Hey pops... I miss you a ton! Can you email from heaven yet?

I love you more!

Truth

Let’s be honest, 

there are some things we’ll never be able to get over.

I love my mom

Found this on Pinterest and it's so very true!

365 days = 12 months = 1 year

I hate today. I sat here last night and read everything I blogged since 2011. Some of it made me laugh and some of it made me cry {I realized I do need to spell check at times but oh well, I am typing fast and from my heart}. 


What a year. My heart is still sad but not as numb as it was a year ago. I do feel stronger and a bit more like myself. There are days that tears just come to me, out of the blue, and I my heart is full of sadness for missing my dad. I took the day off. I am not really in the mood to talk with anyone and that is fine. I need to cry and I want to cry. I want to miss my dad. I don't want to be strong today and I think that is fine. I'll be strong again tomorrow. You know, this strength thing is a bit overrated at times! 


I don't know if anyone follows my blog or reads my posts and that is ok. I know reading ones grief for a year can be a bit much but I can honestly say that I am so glad that I journaled as much as I did. I see his grin from back in June 2011, I journaled that. Him trying to open the can of peaches {again, journaled} and me telling him to stop pouting. It made me remember and remember happy thoughts. 


An entire year has gone by. I've dealt with his wife this passed year and that has made this grieving process 100 times worse (in my opinion). I journaled before how great things were, yeah when he was alive. Once he passed away, it became hell. Dealing with estate things brought up so many thoughts and has played games with my head and way of thinking. It has been a nightmare I hope no one ever has to endure. I am sure there is worse out there but for me, this was as bad as I think it could have gotten. Ok, there could have been worse but it would have been nice to have all this eliminated. As of today though, things have been compromised and worked out. 


For most of the day, I kept myself busy, going about day to day life. But now it's time to light a candle for my dad, something I do every month on the 24th. Tomorrow I will wake up and the world will go on. Last year I woke up and I was numb and had to keep moving to get things in order. What a difference a year makes. My heart is still empty but I can smile more now. 


Dad, I love you more than words can ever express. I'm so thankful that you got lucky enough to have me for a daughter :)... I was actually the lucky one. I miss you every day and I wish more than anything you were still here. 

my heart

I sure do miss this man!

Photo a Day, June

So I didn't finish out the month for June on my photo a day quest but here is what I ended up with:

June 8 - Six O'Clock ... I had a Silpada Jewelry show at my house on this specific evening. Got some great necklaces out of it!

June 9 - my view today... I had to work {Saturday} so this was my view for the majority of the day. I love my photo of Lynkin that sits on my desk! The little statue is a gift my dad gave me when he went back to Vietnam and my photo from Hawaii. You can also see the cute coloring that Ruby gave me. It makes the day go by fast with lots of trinkets from home around my desk.

 June 10 - best bit of my weekend... I love my pool and there's nothing better than a good book in the sun. This book was ok but not my favorite summer reading. I love Jennifer Weiner though!

June 11 - door (the door to my childhood, teen years, and early adulthood)

June 12 - from a low angle (very first bedroom)

{not my favorite photo but it's the ceiling I stared at as I grew up}

June 13 - Art... I love this photo I took while I was in Venice. I have this blown up on a canvas in my house. It's one of my favorite photos!

June 16 - out and about (I didn't go to far on Sat) ... I ran errands all day on the 15th but out and about was for the 16th so this is what you got!

June 17 - in my bag... Since it's Father's Day, I changed the daily topic.

June 18 - something people don't know about me - I have no clue what to do with bangs!

This was a hard topic but I have to remind myself in the future... NO BANGS. Every two years or so, I cut my bangs because I think I want them. Two months later, I no longer want bangs. They look good for a week but then grew and at that point, I've got nothin'.... ha

So that completes my photo a day for June. Maybe I should start July even though I'd be a week behind. I think in a year or so, I'll be glad I did this! 

For the last few weeks, I have felt like my 'normal' self. I felt alive again and happy/content. There are times that I am happy and then I feel guilty for being happy. Another stage of grief I suppose. I just have to constantly tell myself that my dad would want me to be happy. He doesn't want me constantly sad because he's not here. I remind myself that my dad lived like many didn't. The man flew across the United States, he skydived over and over. He went to war, slept around a tree, and was stepped on by the enemy. So I am thinking that he would not want me to be sad. So I smile and keep going. It feels good but I still have the guilt, even for admitting that it feels good. I miss him every day of my life. I always thought because he lived so far away that this would not be so hard but I was wrong. What I've realized is how much my dad meant to me and how much I leaned on him. He was my rock and even though he's not here, he's still my rock. I can hear him in my head {it would just be nice if I could actually have a voice to voice conversation}. I'd do anything for him to still be alive. I go through so many things I should have done but I have to remind myself that my dad was set in his ways and no matter what, he would not have changed or done things differently. Well, maybe now he would have. I honestly think he would have but that's a different story that I have in my head {and with my mom}.
So now my anxiety sets in for the anniversary day. I don't know what to expect or how I will feel. I know that I have taken the year to not force myself to be or do what others wanted or thought I should do. I was sad and I stayed sad because it's what I needed but I'm better. I just take it one day at a time... I miss you dad!!!

Photo A Day June 2 - 7

June 2 - 7

June 2 - Empty 

I ran out of hair product on June 2 so this was perfect timing. 

June 3 - On My Plate

My mom stayed the night with me on Saturday and Sunday night. We had an amazing 'early' birthday dinner. Steak, baked potato, asparagus, and finally yummy dessert.... Mint Ice Cream Cake :-)

June 4 - Close Up

Bella went home on Monday morning and Lynkin looked so sad! I love this boy!!! 

June 5 - Sign

I cheated and used an old photo that I had from when I went to Italy. Since I didn't take a photo on June 6 (Hat), I can use this for both as well. I never wear hats and forgot to take a picture of just a random hat around my house... 

June 7 - Drink

Vodka with Cherry Drink Mix.... 

makes an amazing summer drink for by the pool!

June - Photo Challenge

So, I am going to try and attempt the Photo a Day Challenge.... for the month of June.

Day 1 - Morning {sitting outside with my laptop and a book. The sun is shining away and it's getting a little warm. Maybe that means my pool will be warmer this afternoon!}

Another good man lost

Dad.... I wanted to pick up the phone and call you tonight to let you know that Chuckie was killed in a car accident. Susie is going to be ok, she has a lot of bruising. I don't know the details, just that it was a head on collision. When mom called to tell me, my heart just sank. Because it was Kiki who called me last September, crying when she had heard you passed away. They came to your service and it was the first time I had seen either of them in so many years. I remember being young and you taking me over to their house. Mom and I got Brutus from Chuckie and you got Burt from him. Papa and Charlie were friends, Uncle Tom and Chuckie are friends.
I'm so thankful that I got to be there with you those last few days. I'm so thankful that I got to hold your hand and sleep with my head on your shoulder. Kiki and Kim didn't get that, Kiki said she hasn't even been able to see him because they took his body to Flagstaff for an autopsy, because he's evidence. I can't imagine. I miss you so much dad.

Here you are with your plane, the one that flew you guys back and forth from Mesa to Palo Verde to work on the power plant. Dad, you are the best dad ever! I love you forever!

Memorial Day

This year, Memorial Day has a new meaning for me, for some reason. It's not a day I want to celebrate, it's a day I want to remember. Remember those who have paid the ultimate sacrifice. It's a day to remember those who have gone to a foreign land, to fight for freedom, never to return home. My dad came home but he lived with the war every day of his life. 40 years later, the war won and I lost my father. I am thankful for the fact that I had so many years with him because there are many who don't have the time that I did. Memorial Day is for those men and woman who are true hero's and for those of us who grieve the loss of our loved ones, for our freedom. 

him

I miss my best friend too....