Tuesday, July 24, 2012

365 days = 12 months = 1 year

I hate today. I sat here last night and read everything I blogged since 2011. Some of it made me laugh and some of it made me cry {I realized I do need to spell check at times but oh well, I am typing fast and from my heart}. 

What a year. My heart is still sad but not as numb as it was a year ago. I do feel stronger and a bit more like myself. There are days that tears just come to me, out of the blue, and I my heart is full of sadness for missing my dad. I took the day off. I am not really in the mood to talk with anyone and that is fine. I need to cry and I want to cry. I want to miss my dad. I don't want to be strong today and I think that is fine. I'll be strong again tomorrow. You know, this strength thing is a bit overrated at times! 

I don't know if anyone follows my blog or reads my posts and that is ok. I know reading ones grief for a year can be a bit much but I can honestly say that I am so glad that I journaled as much as I did. I see his grin from back in June 2011, I journaled that. Him trying to open the can of peaches {again, journaled} and me telling him to stop pouting. It made me remember and remember happy thoughts. 

An entire year has gone by. I've dealt with his wife this passed year and that has made this grieving process 100 times worse (in my opinion). I journaled before how great things were, yeah when he was alive. Once he passed away, it became hell. Dealing with estate things brought up so many thoughts and has played games with my head and way of thinking. It has been a nightmare I hope no one ever has to endure. I am sure there is worse out there but for me, this was as bad as I think it could have gotten. Ok, there could have been worse but it would have been nice to have all this eliminated. As of today though, things have been compromised and worked out. 

For most of the day, I kept myself busy, going about day to day life. But now it's time to light a candle for my dad, something I do every month on the 24th. Tomorrow I will wake up and the world will go on. Last year I woke up and I was numb and had to keep moving to get things in order. What a difference a year makes. My heart is still empty but I can smile more now. 

Dad, I love you more than words can ever express. I'm so thankful that you got lucky enough to have me for a daughter :)... I was actually the lucky one. I miss you every day and I wish more than anything you were still here. 

No comments: