Sunday, July 08, 2012

For the last few weeks, I have felt like my 'normal' self. I felt alive again and happy/content. There are times that I am happy and then I feel guilty for being happy. Another stage of grief I suppose. I just have to constantly tell myself that my dad would want me to be happy. He doesn't want me constantly sad because he's not here. I remind myself that my dad lived like many didn't. The man flew across the United States, he skydived over and over. He went to war, slept around a tree, and was stepped on by the enemy. So I am thinking that he would not want me to be sad. So I smile and keep going. It feels good but I still have the guilt, even for admitting that it feels good. I miss him every day of my life. I always thought because he lived so far away that this would not be so hard but I was wrong. What I've realized is how much my dad meant to me and how much I leaned on him. He was my rock and even though he's not here, he's still my rock. I can hear him in my head {it would just be nice if I could actually have a voice to voice conversation}. I'd do anything for him to still be alive. I go through so many things I should have done but I have to remind myself that my dad was set in his ways and no matter what, he would not have changed or done things differently. Well, maybe now he would have. I honestly think he would have but that's a different story that I have in my head {and with my mom}.
So now my anxiety sets in for the anniversary day. I don't know what to expect or how I will feel. I know that I have taken the year to not force myself to be or do what others wanted or thought I should do. I was sad and I stayed sad because it's what I needed but I'm better. I just take it one day at a time... I miss you dad!!!

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