Today, I miss my dad. As Feng puts it, "his mind is confused". I plan to call him today and the bonus will be if he realizes it's actually me on the phone. The extra bonus will be if he understands what I am saying. I took a lot of years for granted. I never imagined my dad would be the way he is today, I thought he'd always be there. I believe he knows how much I love him though. I was blessed to have spend last week with him to repeat over and over how much I loved him.
Happy Father's Day Daddy! I love you more....
Sunday, June 19, 2011
Monday, June 13, 2011
Leaving
Today was a tough day for my dad. He did not want to take a shower and I am not sure if I pushed him to hard (not literally) to take one. He kept pushing his walker with all his strength to get past me. He then went to his knees and used his head to push me out of the way. I really thought he'd just give up and take a shower but he wouldn't. After the ordeal, he was exhausted. He's been asleep for the day and he is more confused than he has been. He went to the kitchen, thinking it was the bathroom. It kills me to see him like this and I feel guilty for trying so hard to have him take a shower. Maybe if I had not been as stubborn as him, he wouldn't be so exhausted and out of it right now. Then again, maybe he would be.
He didn't go to his doctor's appointment again today. Feng and I tried and tried but he just kept saying no. I went to his appointment anyway and this time I was late. Some care manager explained it would be better if I spoke with a social worker and so I did. Speaking with her did not help my dad but it helped me. I wanted them to know that he's a good man. That he's not some crazy alcoholic like the nurse practioner made him sound like from the notes. I told this woman that he was a proud man. That his entire life, he took care of everyone and he did things himself. I told her that he was sweet and smiled and that he was in pain from this disease. I told her that he drank when he came back from the war to forget about what happend. That throughout most of my life, he didn't drink and if he did, he drank O'Doul's. I told her after the B left, that yes, he did drink but it was, again, to forget. I explained if he was an alcoholic, I would admit to it but he is not. I told her I wanted him to have a doctor with some sort of compation. When I left, I felt better. I know there is nothing anyone can do for my dad but it does not make this any easier. He is a man with a good heart and has always had the best intentions. He loves his family and would give his shirt off his back for someone, he is loyal. I am pretty sure that is where I get my loyalty from, my mom as well. I have the best and the worst of the both of them but all in all, I think I am most like my father with a little bit of my mother to balance me out.
When I leave for the airport in a few hours, I am not sure how I will be. This could very well be the last time I see my dad and that is hard. How do I leave? How do I say goodbye, knowing this could be it. I will keep in my heart his grin, the one he makes when I say "I love you", when I tell him he is discombobulated, then proceeds to laugh, a little. The grin he makes when you repeat back to him "God Damn It" or "you are a pain in the ass". He used to tell me all the time I was a pain in the ass and now I reciprocate his words. He smiles at me with that grin and says yes.
He didn't go to his doctor's appointment again today. Feng and I tried and tried but he just kept saying no. I went to his appointment anyway and this time I was late. Some care manager explained it would be better if I spoke with a social worker and so I did. Speaking with her did not help my dad but it helped me. I wanted them to know that he's a good man. That he's not some crazy alcoholic like the nurse practioner made him sound like from the notes. I told this woman that he was a proud man. That his entire life, he took care of everyone and he did things himself. I told her that he was sweet and smiled and that he was in pain from this disease. I told her that he drank when he came back from the war to forget about what happend. That throughout most of my life, he didn't drink and if he did, he drank O'Doul's. I told her after the B left, that yes, he did drink but it was, again, to forget. I explained if he was an alcoholic, I would admit to it but he is not. I told her I wanted him to have a doctor with some sort of compation. When I left, I felt better. I know there is nothing anyone can do for my dad but it does not make this any easier. He is a man with a good heart and has always had the best intentions. He loves his family and would give his shirt off his back for someone, he is loyal. I am pretty sure that is where I get my loyalty from, my mom as well. I have the best and the worst of the both of them but all in all, I think I am most like my father with a little bit of my mother to balance me out.
When I leave for the airport in a few hours, I am not sure how I will be. This could very well be the last time I see my dad and that is hard. How do I leave? How do I say goodbye, knowing this could be it. I will keep in my heart his grin, the one he makes when I say "I love you", when I tell him he is discombobulated, then proceeds to laugh, a little. The grin he makes when you repeat back to him "God Damn It" or "you are a pain in the ass". He used to tell me all the time I was a pain in the ass and now I reciprocate his words. He smiles at me with that grin and says yes.
Sunday, June 12, 2011
More with dad....
So when I was little, probably around the age of 5 or maybe even 6, I remember my dad pouring water on me to wake me up. He was living in Arizona at the time and we had just gotten home. I must have been asleep and would not wake up. I remember being in the garage, on the floor. My dad told me to get up or he would dump a bucket of water on me. Apparently, I did not get up because I remember that bucket of water being dumped on me. As I think back now, maybe I wasn't asleep, maybe I was throwing a tantrum because how else would I have gotten from the truck to the floor in the garage! hmmmmm.....
Well today was pay back day. Dad's been sleeping all day. He's definitely very tired. He still needs to take his medicine and he really needs to get in the shower. First, I tried to get him up to get a shower but he will not go. He keeps asking why he has to take a shower. I told him because he is dirty and he smells. He says "I don't want to take a shower" so I tell him too bad, when I was little, I didn't want to take one either but you made me! He gets a grin on his face as he lays in his chair with his eyes closed. This goes on and on. I pull the blanket off him and he immediately raised up saying "HEY". Guess what, he's still not in the shower! So, now we are on to finishing his medicine. He tells me that he has taken all of his medicine and he's not taking anymore today. I told him he has not taken it all, he only took 2 pills. We go back and forth. I ask him why I would lie to him and he says "because you are". So, I told him if he doesn't sit up to take his medicine, I will pour water on him. He just lays there. I start to tip the water, knowing I won't drip much on him and I warn him the water is coming. He does not move. So, the water (like a whole 3 drops) hits his shoulder and he immediately sits and and says "HEY". I told him pay backs are a bitch and he needs to take his medicine. He just looks at me with a grin on his face. Yeah, he still has not taken his medicine. I know he needs to but he is so dang stubborn! I'll try again after Feng gets back from bringing him food. Even though it's so hard to see him this way, he still makes me laugh and these are the moments that I will always cherish!
Well today was pay back day. Dad's been sleeping all day. He's definitely very tired. He still needs to take his medicine and he really needs to get in the shower. First, I tried to get him up to get a shower but he will not go. He keeps asking why he has to take a shower. I told him because he is dirty and he smells. He says "I don't want to take a shower" so I tell him too bad, when I was little, I didn't want to take one either but you made me! He gets a grin on his face as he lays in his chair with his eyes closed. This goes on and on. I pull the blanket off him and he immediately raised up saying "HEY". Guess what, he's still not in the shower! So, now we are on to finishing his medicine. He tells me that he has taken all of his medicine and he's not taking anymore today. I told him he has not taken it all, he only took 2 pills. We go back and forth. I ask him why I would lie to him and he says "because you are". So, I told him if he doesn't sit up to take his medicine, I will pour water on him. He just lays there. I start to tip the water, knowing I won't drip much on him and I warn him the water is coming. He does not move. So, the water (like a whole 3 drops) hits his shoulder and he immediately sits and and says "HEY". I told him pay backs are a bitch and he needs to take his medicine. He just looks at me with a grin on his face. Yeah, he still has not taken his medicine. I know he needs to but he is so dang stubborn! I'll try again after Feng gets back from bringing him food. Even though it's so hard to see him this way, he still makes me laugh and these are the moments that I will always cherish!
All for a can of peaches
So over the last couple of days, he has not communicated very much. However, he can be very clear when he is not happy about something. First and foremost, he wants to do everything on his own. Friday night, he went into the kitchen. He kept going to the refrigerator, opening the door, then shutting it. He would go back to his chair. 20 minutes later, he was back. He finally sat down at the kitchen table. I showed him a can of peaches and asked if he wanted some. He just looked at me. He then grabbed the box that contained the canned peaches. Apparently, he felt he needed to open the box so he started tearing it down the side. I stopped him and I got "God Damn It", then angrily puts his hands down as though he's fed up. I explain that the box is already open and show him as I pull out a can. He proceeds to take out 3 cans of peaches. I stop him and he gets frustrated with me again. Now it's time to open the can. I give him a fork and he starts to push the fork into the can. Apparently he must think if he pushes hard enough, it will open. I try to explain if he turns the can over, we can open it by pulling the top off. He says no, we can't open it that way. So I tell him to watch and he gets mad again. Then, he lowers his head as though he is pouting. This makes me laugh. I tell him to stop getting mad and to stop pouting! Again, I tell him to stop pouting and watch. He looks up to see the peaches are open and has two cans!
Saturday, June 11, 2011
Trying so hard
I went to the VA clinic to talk with the doctor about my dad's condition. If I remember correctly, I swear she said she's a nurse practitioner. What the blessed hell... I need to remember to ask why he is not seeing an actual doctor. Maybe it's because there is really nothing more they can do for him. What I find interesting is that I asked questions she did not know the answers to. My my dad had been seeing a civilian doctor therefore, she assumed that the civilian doctor had run the tests I had asked about. I asked if she would like me to have his medical records sent over and instead, she is going to run tests herself (which is good). My dad has been seeing this doctor/nurse for at least a year. I wish a year ago he would have allowed me to go into the doctor's office with him because I would have researched and asked these questions then. Why is it that someone without a medical degree can ask questions that these people who are professionals should know. It's all over google! He has an appointment on Monday, June 13 and I will definitely ask some more questions then. Starting with where the HELL is a DOCTOR at!
Reality is though, there is still nothing an actual doctor can do. My dad is still drinking and therefore, he was cancelled from the liver transplant list. I don't understand where his drinking came from. When I was really young, I remember he had crown royal bags around, so maybe he did drink back then. I guess I am pretty sure he did. As I got a little older though, for most of my life, he drank O'Douls and when the B**** left, he did start drinking again. So I really have no idea what kind of drinking he did. I felt like this nurse just assumed he was some sort of alcoholic and that pissed me off! He's not, maybe in some way he is, but I know my dad and he could/would quit if he was coherent and wanted to. I believe for him, drinking helps with his PTSD. Not that it's ok, but when someone from the VA wants to assume he's an alcoholic, they can go screw themselves because the war is what caused PTSD, Diabetes 2, and cirrhosis of the liver. At this point though, it's my dad who needs to make changes. He's a stubborn man and with his situation now, it's highly unlikely to happen.
Last night, he kept trying to drink beer. I started crying and told him it would kill him. He just looked at me with a blank stare {which is what he's done for the past two days}. I don't know if he understood what I was saying or not; however, he finally started drinking water and 24 hours later, he still has not had a beer. Maybe it's wishful thinking that he understood me but I would like to think he did!
Everyone keeps saying to cherish the time I'm with him and I am. It's hard though when he is pretty much asleep all day and night. When he is awake, he just stares and does not talk. Over the last two days, he has not really said anything to me. He did tell me twice that he loved me, and that was after I said it to him. I am thankful for that, very much thankful!
Last night, as I was crying, I told him I wanted to have a conversation with him, that I wanted him to talk to me. A few minutes later, he tried his hardest to talk to me. His words make no sense but I know he tried and that is all that matters to me. I miss talking to him. I miss him understanding what I say. He's a good man and his heart is always in the right place. I wish more than anything, I could make him better and no longer in pain.
Reality is though, there is still nothing an actual doctor can do. My dad is still drinking and therefore, he was cancelled from the liver transplant list. I don't understand where his drinking came from. When I was really young, I remember he had crown royal bags around, so maybe he did drink back then. I guess I am pretty sure he did. As I got a little older though, for most of my life, he drank O'Douls and when the B**** left, he did start drinking again. So I really have no idea what kind of drinking he did. I felt like this nurse just assumed he was some sort of alcoholic and that pissed me off! He's not, maybe in some way he is, but I know my dad and he could/would quit if he was coherent and wanted to. I believe for him, drinking helps with his PTSD. Not that it's ok, but when someone from the VA wants to assume he's an alcoholic, they can go screw themselves because the war is what caused PTSD, Diabetes 2, and cirrhosis of the liver. At this point though, it's my dad who needs to make changes. He's a stubborn man and with his situation now, it's highly unlikely to happen.
Last night, he kept trying to drink beer. I started crying and told him it would kill him. He just looked at me with a blank stare {which is what he's done for the past two days}. I don't know if he understood what I was saying or not; however, he finally started drinking water and 24 hours later, he still has not had a beer. Maybe it's wishful thinking that he understood me but I would like to think he did!
Everyone keeps saying to cherish the time I'm with him and I am. It's hard though when he is pretty much asleep all day and night. When he is awake, he just stares and does not talk. Over the last two days, he has not really said anything to me. He did tell me twice that he loved me, and that was after I said it to him. I am thankful for that, very much thankful!
Last night, as I was crying, I told him I wanted to have a conversation with him, that I wanted him to talk to me. A few minutes later, he tried his hardest to talk to me. His words make no sense but I know he tried and that is all that matters to me. I miss talking to him. I miss him understanding what I say. He's a good man and his heart is always in the right place. I wish more than anything, I could make him better and no longer in pain.
Thursday, June 09, 2011
Liver Failure
I just arrived in Alaska tonight so I can go to the doctor with my dad. Some of you may be aware that he has cirrhosis of the liver. While growing up, I did not live with my dad but I honestly do not remember him drinking much. He actually drank O'doul's, which was a 'fake beer'. So how did he get cirrhosis? There are facts that state Agent Orange, which was a herbicide sprayed during the Vietnam War can be the cause of liver failure. The VA has not acknowledged that the dioxin could cause cirrhosis of the liver. I've read several forums of Vietnam Vet's who were exposed to Agent Orange and now have cirrhosis of the liver and the VA still denies this. The VA tells them it is due to drinking. The men state that they have not drank or rarely drink. But here's another bright idea good ole VA.... many of them drink because of PTSD! Hello.... men came home at the age of 20 and put sandbags around their house to protect their family. America's spit on these men, protested against them. There was no support back then..... so yeah, maybe they did turn to drinking to forget! Now, I am not against supporting our military at all. In fact, I 100% support them. I'm just extremely disappointed in how our Vietnam Vets were treated and it sickens me that 40 years later, they are still fighting for what they deserve. I, for one, will more than likely lose my father because of that war. I was fortunate he returned home and I had many years with him. But in reality, I am shafted because he should not be dying!
So for now, I am sad, heartbroken, angry, mad, and mostly cherishing every moment I have with my dad!
My dad.... 5th Force Recon, USMC
Sunday, April 24, 2011
Favorite Easter Memory
I was reminiscing in my mind back to my favorite Easter memory. I think I was about 11 years old. We used to go to my aunt and uncle's house for a little Easter egg hunt and family time. We were all getting older and so the parental's decided to get a little creative with the egg hunt: we had a scavenger hunt.
Now we have to go back to a conversation that , my grandmother was having with my older cousin Ronni and myself (I don't remember when we actually had this conversation but it was definitely before that Easter day). I also don't remember the entire conversation but it was about boys. My grandma said something about being careful because boys can get "a rising sun". Now remember, I mentioned I was young, and I had no clue what this term meant. So, I got the break down of "a rising sun". {oh the innocence}
Back to that Easter day.... my Great Uncle Ray, who was probably in his late 60's, maybe 70's was enjoying that day with us. Let me just say... I loved my Uncle Ray very much. He was just the amazing "old" man and had a very kind heart. Anyways, one of my clues to find an egg was "Look for the rising sun". Oh my... I must have blushed like no other. I finally found the egg, as my Uncle Ray had it in his lap.
I think of that day and it makes me smile.
Now we have to go back to a conversation that , my grandmother was having with my older cousin Ronni and myself (I don't remember when we actually had this conversation but it was definitely before that Easter day). I also don't remember the entire conversation but it was about boys. My grandma said something about being careful because boys can get "a rising sun". Now remember, I mentioned I was young, and I had no clue what this term meant. So, I got the break down of "a rising sun". {oh the innocence}
Back to that Easter day.... my Great Uncle Ray, who was probably in his late 60's, maybe 70's was enjoying that day with us. Let me just say... I loved my Uncle Ray very much. He was just the amazing "old" man and had a very kind heart. Anyways, one of my clues to find an egg was "Look for the rising sun". Oh my... I must have blushed like no other. I finally found the egg, as my Uncle Ray had it in his lap.
I think of that day and it makes me smile.
Saturday, April 16, 2011
If you want me to...
Let's just say it's still been a rocky couple of months in my life but I think the wave has crashed and I am slowly looking at the horizon and trying my hardest to hold on to hope. From sad, to hurt, to anger, to stress, back to sad, then anger again, and finally just pure stress with sometimes a laugh or two... it seems like every aspect of my life has been hit. Like that quote "when it rains, it pours". Well, there is hail and ironically, it feels like hell. Today though, I had a little "come to God" moment. Edward {yes, that Edward} and I were on a road trip and I put in Third Day. {whenever I hear Third Day, I think of him... he likes them and so do I}. He made a comment how he really needs to find a church again because when he was attending church before, it was the happiest he'd ever been. It made me think.... yes, he's right. Then I put in Ginny {Owens} - If you want me to - {song}. If any of you have heard the version of this on the Night at Rocketown CD, you've heard Ginny talk about her trails that she endured while trying to find a teaching job. Apparently, she realized that we are all going to endure trials; however, it's how we handle the trials that matters. I realized, I need to give these trials to God and trust in Him. I need to find Him again though. I need to believe.... again. Oh- and maybe not be so angry at some of the previous trails I've had {you know like losing my best friend 7 years ago and taking her from the lives of her 2 daughters}. So that is what I am going to try and do. I'm going to try and find Him. That makes me happy no matter what else is going on. That brings me a since of peace. He makes me feel that way.... not the one I love, you know the other him that has made me feel so broken because he needs some time to get through his own trails. So maybe if I can bring peace to my heart, the other part of my heart... the one that aches over him... will heal. Wish me luck!
Monday, February 28, 2011
Really....
So I'm suppose to go back to DC for the weekend. Instead, I may be fighting a cold.
Give a girl a break... someone, anyone?
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Global Warming???
Snow... the end of Feb... on the Superstition Mountains? Kinda crazy
Of course 3 hours later when it was gone, the craziness subsided
Who would have thought that there'd be snow so close to Phoenix twice in one year!
Monday, February 21, 2011
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Character
I always try to do my best. Treat others respectfully.
It's true, when I get mad/hurt/angry {key word is hurt} I often lash out. Say things that, well basically are true but should not be said. Everyone has faults and it basically comes down to what you are willing to put up with.
I think that for the most part, I put up with quite a bit. I give the other person the benefit of the doubt. I put the other person before me. For the most part, I would go above and beyond for someone that I truly care about.
Now though, I'm tired. I'm tired of being taken advantage of. I'm tired of excuses. Is it so hard to ask for another person to be upfront and honest? Apparently, it is. Even at work, I listen to sorry excuses everyday.
I think that sometimes people do not say the truth because they think they are protecting the other person. In the end, the person being lied to or protected, ends up getting hurt.
It's true, when I get mad/hurt/angry {key word is hurt} I often lash out. Say things that, well basically are true but should not be said. Everyone has faults and it basically comes down to what you are willing to put up with.
I think that for the most part, I put up with quite a bit. I give the other person the benefit of the doubt. I put the other person before me. For the most part, I would go above and beyond for someone that I truly care about.
Now though, I'm tired. I'm tired of being taken advantage of. I'm tired of excuses. Is it so hard to ask for another person to be upfront and honest? Apparently, it is. Even at work, I listen to sorry excuses everyday.
I think that sometimes people do not say the truth because they think they are protecting the other person. In the end, the person being lied to or protected, ends up getting hurt.
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Monday, January 24, 2011
24Jan11
So I feel like everything I have blogged lately seems to be negative. A spiralling tornado to a sad ending and that is not how I want to be perceived. How do you pull yourself out of something that feels like you are hanging on the edge of a cliff and no one is there to pull you up? Your feet just dangling.... oy vey!
Then, I remembered one of Angie's post from her blog:
today what mattered most was.... she talked about staying home, loving on her kids, a conversation with her adorable man, sonic ice... and I realized, even though some things make my day NOT as happy as I would like, there are still many things that do make my day good...
So, today what mattered most to me...
~I have a job, a job that gives me some flexibility and helps to pay my mortgage
~spending time and cuddling with Lynkin
~I have lost over 5 lbs in the last week and a half
~plans to go back to DC and spend time with Erika
~my hair is dark {again and forever}
~THIS message from a "student" I enrolled into school "Jennifer I would have never been able to survive these last four years without you. You have helped me achieve something I never thought possible. Be happy!!" She has since become a friend, one I have not met yet, but one I will always cherish.
~Finally, I am able to see my mistakes and learn from them...
So God, I've been asking you to help me through each day and you have. When all is said and done, you are what has mattered most.
Then, I remembered one of Angie's post from her blog:
today what mattered most was.... she talked about staying home, loving on her kids, a conversation with her adorable man, sonic ice... and I realized, even though some things make my day NOT as happy as I would like, there are still many things that do make my day good...
So, today what mattered most to me...
~I have a job, a job that gives me some flexibility and helps to pay my mortgage
~spending time and cuddling with Lynkin
~I have lost over 5 lbs in the last week and a half
~plans to go back to DC and spend time with Erika
~my hair is dark {again and forever}
~THIS message from a "student" I enrolled into school "Jennifer I would have never been able to survive these last four years without you. You have helped me achieve something I never thought possible. Be happy!!" She has since become a friend, one I have not met yet, but one I will always cherish.
~Finally, I am able to see my mistakes and learn from them...
So God, I've been asking you to help me through each day and you have. When all is said and done, you are what has mattered most.
Tomorrow will be another day, something else to look forward to!
Peace~
Saturday, January 22, 2011
1st day at the dogpark
Lynkin just stood around, walked up to other people to get some affection, and finally wandered off because there was a ball or two being thrown around! My favorite was looking over at a boy who had his arms wrapped around Lynkin. He was giving him a hug and a kiss. I heart this dog!
Monday, January 17, 2011
Lynkin's Graduation
Lynkin graduated from obedience school...
He's such a chill dog that we really do not have any problems. There are a few little things we can work on but for the most part, he's seriously an amazing dog! I'm not sure how I got so lucky but God must have known I would need such a great little guy in my life. He doesn't chew my house up. He's not hyper and does not jump all over the place. He barely barks. He loves to cuddle. When I leave for a couple hours, I put him in his crate. When I come home, he usually stays in the crate and just looks at me. My favorite thing about him so far, is when he is so excited and does a little jump while he is running. I couldn't love him more!
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Saturday, January 08, 2011
2011
The last few months have brought good and bad. How does it seem that the 1 bad out weighs all the good? And why doesn't the good make me happier? Because when your heart fills broken, not much can heal it... just time.
So here are the things that I am thankful for:
1) My dad is on a waiting list for a liver transplant {he's also doing better with acupuncture, massage therapy, and herbal medicines}
2) I have the best puppy in the world! He's totally chill, has not damaged my house, and he makes my heart smile on my sad days.
3) Friendships that I have thought were lost have returned. First Heather, then Erika, and finally Angie, (we found each other again through FB). Each of these women have been through various situations in my life and now, as I am nearing 40, my heart is yet broken again, and I could possibly be entering a mid-life crisis, are each back in my life. It makes me think back to the email that goes around about friends in your life for a reason, a season, and a lifetime (something like that). Getting together again is like there was never any time lost or any issues between us. I am very thankful for each of them. I'm thankful for all of my friends {and that means YOU!}.
I am thankful for my mothers unconditional love and her health, my house, surviving my MBA and continuing my education. I am blessed with a job and even though there are days I am just burnt out, I do enjoy it along with the people I work with.
So all in all, I am very blessed.
So here are the things that I am thankful for:
1) My dad is on a waiting list for a liver transplant {he's also doing better with acupuncture, massage therapy, and herbal medicines}
2) I have the best puppy in the world! He's totally chill, has not damaged my house, and he makes my heart smile on my sad days.
3) Friendships that I have thought were lost have returned. First Heather, then Erika, and finally Angie, (we found each other again through FB). Each of these women have been through various situations in my life and now, as I am nearing 40, my heart is yet broken again, and I could possibly be entering a mid-life crisis, are each back in my life. It makes me think back to the email that goes around about friends in your life for a reason, a season, and a lifetime (something like that). Getting together again is like there was never any time lost or any issues between us. I am very thankful for each of them. I'm thankful for all of my friends {and that means YOU!}.
I am thankful for my mothers unconditional love and her health, my house, surviving my MBA and continuing my education. I am blessed with a job and even though there are days I am just burnt out, I do enjoy it along with the people I work with.
So all in all, I am very blessed.
Sunday, January 02, 2011
The Vietnam Veterans Memorial....
My entire life, I was intrigued by the Vietnam War. I have come to realize it was what tied me to my father. My dad was in the 5th Force Recon {Marine Corps} and was in Vietnam from 1968-1969. The stories he has told me throughout my life and him not living in Arizona made my obsession with this war, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, and Agent Orange. For as long as I can remember, I wanted to go to Washington, D.C. to see The Wall. This first photo was my first view of the Wall. I cannot even explain my emotions. By the time I found the Wall, I had already seen the Washington Memorial, WWII Memorial, Reflecting Pool, the White House, and had been lost through the streets of D.C. for about 4 hours. But this, this memorial is why I started my adventure that day... to see the Wall, by myself, and feel the emotions I knew I would have. I envisioned seeing flags, letters, teddy bears, letters, but nothing was left next to the wall that day; however, wedged between two panels was this braclet "Bring them Home Now".
The reflection of the Wall is amazingly beautiful... but the amount of names listed is unbelievable. In my research, I found "The latest names added in 2010, brought the number of names on the black granite Wall to 58,267" and "the Memorial is dedicated to the 2.7 million men and women in the U.S. military who served in the designated war zone".
As I walked down past each panel, it was a bittersweet feeling. A feeling of being thankful to these men and woman for the sacrafices they made for us. A feeling of saddness that children grew up without their fathers/mothers because their names were now on this wall because of their sacrafice. Anger for this war taking something from the young soldiers who fought, for those who live still today and are still suffering from this war that ended 35 years ago. Anger at how the soldiers who did come home were treated. It makes me sick to think that people spit on them, looked down on them, that our own government did not accept that there were issues these men and women came home with. When my dad came home from Vietnam, he filled sandbags and put them around his mom's house to protect his family from the enemy. He was 21 years old when he came home. When I was younger, it seemed like he was "such a man" for going off to war but as I grow older, I realize, he was just a kid.
My father, after 40 years, still suffers from PTSD and has medical conditions that have come from the war (medicial conditions due to Agent Orange). Even though I am very blessed, and my father survived the war, after all these years, the war is killing him. That makes me angry! We think that when the soldiers come home, we are lucky. They are alive and hopefully, there will not be medical conditions later due to chemicals but because of the chemicals our government sprayed on the foilage in Vietnam during this war, my father is dying. He's not alone either.
"If you are able, save for them a place inside of you and save one backward glance when you are leaving for the places they can no longer go.
Be not ashamed to say you loved them, though you may or may not have always. Take what they have taught you with their dying and keep it with your own.
And in that time when men decide and feel safe to call the war insane, take one moment to embrace those gentle heroes you left behind."
~Major Michael Davis O'Donnell1 January 1970Dak To, VietnamListed as KIA February 7, 1978
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