Tuesday, July 23, 2013

Pre 2 year anniversary night

A year ago, I sat on my bed and read through the last two years of my blog. I read about my phone calls with my dad. My visits with my dad. I remembered holding his hand for three days in the hospital. Tonight, I worked on homework and now it's time to reminisce. I miss my dad so much but tonight, I can say I am better. I am truly back to my happy, funny self.
Grief takes time. I didn't realize how much time it would take. Don't get me wrong, I still miss my dad every day. I still want to pick up the phone and call him. I still want to run to him with my problems, concerns, tell him I broke a nail, or that my pool vac is not working and ask how I fix it. I want to call him and say, DAD- I am happy again! I want to talk to him about politics, what he thinks of things. I want to talk about football, the news, and every time a damn plane crashes, I want to call him and talk to him about it.
My tears are fewer in between now. I smile more often. I was told the other day by a friend that she could tell I was happy, she could see it in my eyes. I wonder how dark my eyes have been. It has taken me almost two years to truly be happy again. It's an amazing feeling. I used to be afraid to be happy. I knew it's what my dad would want but I felt guilty for being happy because I lost my dad. How can someone who loses someone they love so much be happy? It takes time. The happiness returns. My heart still feels a loss, there is a part of me that died with my dad but there is also a part of me that now lives for my dad. If I catch myself feeling guilty for being happy, I tell myself that it's ok, it is the essence of what my dad wanted for me. To be happy. I remember he would always ask if I was happy and I would tell him yes. His response was "good".
I want to do amazing things now. I want to live and I want to live for not only myself {and my mom} but for my dad too. I want to be brave and try the daring things that my dad would do. I think I want to skydive. That is going to be one of my next goals. I want to jump once for my dad. I want to feel that rush that he felt every time he jumped. The rush he felt when he jumped the day I was born to celebrate my life.
My dad did amazing things, he was brave. He flew a small plane from Arizona to New York and then to Alaska. He skydived, he was in a war, he accomplished his dreams and didn't have regrets. It's time that I make a bucket list and start marking off my dreams. I want this for me but I have my dad motivating me through it all.
So tonight, I am not going back through my posts to read about those final days. I can reply them in my head. Tonight I'll start a bucket list so I can live like my dad would want me to.

For anyone going through the grief of losing a loved one. Hang in there, I promise you it will get better.

I love you Dad!

Me :)

{my dad making a jump}

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