Random quote

It is never too late to be what you might have been.

~George Eliot

I kinda really like this quote.

Happy Birthday Dad

Today my dad would have been 65 years old. 

I miss him everyday

Happy Birthday dad - I love you more

Love

It's been over a year since I talked to 'him'... him is not my dad, not God... it's him. The person after all those years that I truly trusted, believed in, and loved. To this day, if I say his name or someone else says it. My heart literally stops and my stomach turns over. My body goes numb. All because deep within me, I still love him. I don't want to... I want to not think about him every day, morning and night. He's not the first person I think of when I wake up now, so that is good. However, soon enough he's in my head, my heart. I miss our morning talks, me on the freeway... going into work. Him on an airplane, waiting to take off to go to work. I miss our nightly chats, every night for 3 years. How our days were, where he currently was, how his flights were, how his meetings were, what I was working on for school, how work went. Him buying a 7, me buying a house.
Then one day, just stopped or slowed... him dealing with the pressure of work, me dealing with the fact that my father was dying. Then my dad died... so did I. Nothing he did was good enough, I needed more... at the same time, he was pulling away and chose not to give more. Pushing and pulling until I broke. I screamed, yelled, cried, and said some horrible things. I said I was done.
That was Nov. 29, 2011, his birthday, on my way to see a counselor because I was trying to deal with the loss of my dad, losing him, and the hell of dealing with CW. 1 year and almost 4 months later, it still hurts... it burns. Not as bad as it did then or even 6 months ago. Tonight I sent an email, nothing personal, just a cute forward... thinking maybe... he was past the hurt. The email returned, his email no more. I stared at the screen and tears poured out my eyes. My heart is numb, I am numb, I miss him... I love him... I love him from deep within me. I wonder if I will ever trust or love again. I want to do but it hurts so bad that I don't think I will ever let myself get that close to someone again. Tomorrow I'll wake up and the pain will be a little less again. Maybe one day it won't be there anymore... at all. I doubt it. The ironic part is, I am strong... so why am I so weak when it comes to him. Why do I let him affect me this way. Why do I love him so deeply?
Because I finally opened my heart, truly opened it... because he is amazing, amazing to me. They say it's better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all... I don't know about that saying but what I do know is for years, he pushed me to be a better person, to work harder, and strive for more than I thought I could achieve. Funny thing is, I want to close this with a thank you.. but I my heart won't let me. I want to close this with... maybe someday... but my heart won't let me. The one thing I know is it's time to let go, which I have been working on. It's been working but then tonight, seeing the email was no longer there, it stopped me in my tracks, like a slap in the face. No matter what, he was important to me, no matter if there is a someday or not, he will always be in my heart.

 

Stir-Fry - chicken, zucchini, mushroom, and rice

I was going through my pinterest boards today for a good idea for dinner. There was a recipe for Chicken Cashew but it had to simmer in the crockpot for 3-4 hours. I didn't get in started in time so I decided to do my own thing. I have to say, it's not bad... not at all. 

I went to the store and picked up some chicken - they had it already cut thin and small, perfect for stir-fry. Ok, seriously, I will be buying my chicken like this as much as possible! I  have an extra container for piccata chicken later this week and it will be absolutely no work! Thank you Fresh and Easy for making my dinner nights so much quicker!

I also picked up some zucchini and mushroom. Mushrooms were already sliced so all I had left to do was slice the zucchini - that is simple!

Next, I put the basmati rice on (2 cups water to 1 cup rice). Bring the water to a boil, add rice. Bring back to a boil then simmer for about 45 mins. 

20 minutes prior to the rice being done- heat a pan with sesame oil (I added olive oil too but I think next time I'm just going to do all sesame oil). Toss in the chicken (I seasoned it, while in the pan, with salt, pepper, and garlic salt {next time it will be fresh garlic, I wasn't prepared}). Cook chicken. 

I removed the chicken from the pan then added the zucchini and mushroom. Sauteed until soft. 

This is when it hit me... why not add some of the ingredients of my original recipe. So I grabbed the soy sauce and brown sugar. I just dumped as much as I though necessary in the pan. Then, I remembered some recipes add worcestershire sauce, so I put a little of that in the pan too. All while still cooking the veggies. The sauce was boiling... I was excited. So I tossed the chicken back in to cook for a couple of minutes. 

My rice was done, so I removed it from the heat and set it to the side. Grabbed a bowl and made my dinner. 

It's actually pretty good. A little sweet and a little tang... not bad for a impromptu dinner night! I am hoping it's only better tomorrow for lunch!