Interpreting a Dream

So last night I had this random dream. I dreamt that I had been shot in the back (strange I know). What is even weirder is in my dream, I was thinking to myself "this is what it feels like to die". I also remember thinking I was going to die... I even remember feelin the moment I 'died'. The next thing I remember was my mom crying and begging me not to die (REMEMBER, THIS WAS JUST A DREAM). I saw her asking me to come back but I remember thinking, my dad is here and I can be with him. That is when I woke up. I don't remember my dreams very much. So when I have a dream like this, I try to analyze it. So my analogy of this dream is that I miss my dad and I just want to spend another day with him. The last week was emotional. It was my first Thanksgiving without him. Even though I spent Thanksgiving in Arizona and the only T-day that I spent with my dad was last year. I flew up for the week and made Thanksgiving dinner (simplified version than what I am use to). He made me make a ham, we didn't have turkey. That makes me laugh some. I think I even made mashed potatoes and gravy too... I had to still call my mom for help! So back to my dream... Totally random and completely freaky... I know.

Honey Chicken Enchilada's

So a friend of mine mentioned this recipe "Honey Lime Chicken Enchiladas"... they sounded sensational... so I asked for the recipe. You can decide for yourself and all I have to say is they are a combination of yummy, amazing, divine, delicious, the list can go on. Seriously, who would have thunk something this simple could be that great!? You can bring some to work to share with your cube-mate if you'd like... I do. You can invite family over or bring some to your mom, just because you're nice that way. Try them... I dare you!

1/3 cup honey

1/4 cup lime juice

1 Tablespoon chili powder

1/2 teaspoon garlic powder

1 pound chicken, cooked and shredded (or pick up a rotisserie chicken from the grocery store ... don't add the skin though)
8-10 flour tortillas, (I use the soft taco tortillas because they fit perfectly in the pan)

1 pound monterey jack cheese, shredded

2 cups green enchilada sauce (or be like me and pick up the 'big' can of green enchilada sauce)

1/2 cup heavy cream

Preheat oven to 350 degrees.

Mix the honey, lime juice, chili powder, and garlic powder together and toss with the shredded chicken. Let it marinate for at least 1/2 hour in the refrigerator. (actually, I shred the chicken first, then add everything else)

Spray a 9X13 pan with cooking spray (or use your Pampered Chef baking stone, no spray needed). Pour enough enchilada sauce on the bottom of the pan to create a thin layer on the bottom. Fill flour tortillas with chicken and a generous amount of shredded cheese, saving about 1 cup of cheese to sprinkle on top of enchiladas.
Mix the remaining enchilada sauce with the cream and leftover chicken marinade (yes, use the same bowl). Pour sauce on top of the enchiladas and top with reserved cheese.

Bake at 350 degrees for 30 minutes until brown and crispy on top (I bake it for 50 - 60 mins, much better).

Enjoy!

Peanut Butter Cups

Years ago, like when I was in high school, I had come across a recipe for peanut butter cups. They were AmaZing... peanut butter, butter, powdered sugar, and vanilla mixed together and put in the bottom of a 9x9 baking dish then poured melted milk chocolate chips on top.

Placed in the refrigerator... delish!

Well, I came across a recipe about a month ago that brought back that mouth watering treat that I had long forgotten about. These had a twist though, someone mixed rice krispies into the peanut butter... yes, just went you thought chocolate and peanut butter couldn't get any better!

Here's the recipe...

Ingredients:

1 1/4 cups smooth peanut butter

1/4 cup butter, room temperature

1 teaspoon vanilla extract

1 cup powdered sugar

1 1/2 cups Rice Krispies cereal

1 3/4 cups milk chocolate chocolate chips

(I suppose you could use semi-sweet if your heart desires, mine does not)

You could do this a couple of ways:

1) You could use a 9x9 or 9x13 baking pan and put the peanut butter mixture on the bottom (see below), then melt the chocolate chips and poor on top. This is hard to cut into 'bars' though (now that I'm remembering... so I'd go to the next idea of how to serve)

2) Use a mini-muffin pan (I am still not sure where my mini muffin pans are and since I was taking these to work, I used one of those 9 x 13, throw away foil pans with a lid you can pick up at the grocery store... I put mini muffin liners in the pan {see below} If I was using a muffin pan, I'd still use liners because I don't want anything too messy, so go with liners... by the way I found the cutest (Christmas) mini muffin liners at Macy's I need to go back if I plan to make these for Christmas).

Pre-heat the oven to 350. Place chocolate chips in each liner and bake for 5 mins. Press the chocolate chips to smooth out the top, use a spoon to do this. (I put mine in for a few extra

minutes because I was hoping they would have melted more... I don't recommend doing that). You could also melt the chocolate then pour it into each muffin cup, I'm actually going to try it this way next time... maybe a little at a time so it does not harden before I get to the end.

Now for the Peanut Butter Mixture:

Mix the butter and peanut butter. Mix in the vanilla, then the powdered sugar. Now, mix in the rice krispies cereal. Place on top of the chocolate and refrigerate.

It's really that simple and you can even make these while making dinner (in a crock pot) and doing homework... all because you promised co-workers you'd bring in a treat for the next day. I don't recommend making those types of promises when you have a final and paper due all in the same weekend... just saying.

Enjoy!

Veteran's Day

I started to blog on Veteran's day, because that is what I usually do. This year though, the day was hard. It's a day that I would call my dad and wish him a Happy Veteran's Day. I cried on my way to work that morning.

Here is a great tribute to our military men and women.... and I am proud to be the daughter of a USMC Recon!

A look back on 18 months

So I was thinking... or wondering, why for the last year I had such a hard time being so positive. And tonight, it dawned on me that it's been one heck of a year.

1) I bought my first home on my own. Now, this is great but stressful. Finding the home, waiting for the short sale to go through, finding a renter for the other house, moving into the new house. Budgeting... I am still trying to figure this one out.

I started looking at the end of July 2009.

Found this house in February 2010

Closed in May 2010

Moved in May 2010 (Memorial weekend)

2) The week I was signing papers on the house, I found out my dad had been given 6-12 months to live (that was in January 2010).

3) June 2010 - go to Alaska to see my dad

4) Him- he comes to visit for Labor Day, have a great time together, then he gets distant, work is stressful for him, life is stressful. We grow distant, well he does, I go girl, he goes more distant... not a good situation. Both of us are having a difficult time. My heart is sad.

5) Max dies {my 14 year old Rottie/Queensland Heeler dog}

6) My mom moves into my house the end of September with her crazy yellow lab. She has fractured her knee. I have a new puppy {Lynkin}. She is a great help but we realize 6 weeks later we cannot live together. Mom goes back home but I am thankful she could stay with me and we were able to help one another (me with her knee, her with Lynkin and the house training).

7) I finish my MBA sometime in October 2010. That is it, it's over. I get a 'good job'.

8) November 2010 - back to Alaska to see my dad

9) Washington DC in December 2010 to visit Erika. I need a major vacation and it was just what I needed. He is even more distant, my heart is even more sad. My dad is not able to understand that I am even in DC.

10) Did I mention work has been stressful since April 2010? Yeah that is not a good mix but I still like my job and work with some great people so I am thankful for their support.

11) After March 2011, the budget with the new house is getting better, less stressful. I've come to accept We are done. My dad has a great week.

12) April 2011 - my dad is continuing to stay in his confused frame of mind. He would usually come out of it once a week for at least a day. I would be happy when I caught him on a 'good' day.

13) May 2011 - Things with my dad are not improving. I do not know what to do. Do I go see him or wait. Confused, sad, concerned.

14) June 2011 - Back to Alaska. Things spiral from there. 6 weeks of phone calls to Alaska, trying to find a way to get my dad here. The wife can't take care of him, possibly a nursing home, unsafe for him to be home alone. What to do

15) July 2011 - Well, you can read below

My mom mentioned that I have been through a lot in the last year. That I am strong. I thought why would she say I've been through so much? Then I started thinking and that is what I came up with.

October 21, 2011 -

My mom is healthy and you know, she is my best friend. That makes me happy.

He is back, slowly. So maybe? Maybe we needed a break. Maybe no matter what, he would have tried his best and it would not have been good enough for me. So maybe, that is why. Maybe to prepare my heart for July. I don't know but He is back and that makes me happy.

My dad.... my heart is still empty. I am communicating with a friend of my dad's, he is emailing me stories. {my dad is badass!} The stories put a smile back in my heart. A smile where my dad is. My dad would want me to be happy. To keep him in my heart. I will and I do.

For those of my friends who have dealt with me for the last 18 months, I thank you. It's definitely been a ride and the grieving is not over with but I am going to be ok. My mom says I am strong. My dad told me I am him. My dad was very strong.

truth

found this through pinterest... so very true.

Memorial Service for my dad

On Sept. 24, I had a memorial service for my dad. For me, it was not the traditional, go to the funeral home type service. It was held in my mom's backyard. I rented a 30x30 tent with tables and chairs for 90 people. We had centerpieces and food for after. I spent hours working on a video to share with family and friends. I planned it to be perfect, just for him. I guess in my mind, it represented how much my dad meant to me. It started with me getting up to thank everyone for coming. The problem was, I did not write anything down to say. Every time I went to write, my mind went blank. I had rehearsed over and over what I would say, what I wanted to say, how I would eliminate some things, add something else. There was just so much and I couldn't get it down on paper. Oh, I have sheets of paper all over from my flights to go up there over this year, the flights on my way home, notes or thoughts while I was up there, and obviously this blog as well. So, after I started my thank you's and after the nice neighbor across the street stopped the landscapers (yes, right when I got up to talk, they appeared behind my mom's backyard brick wall to trim the oleander's,). They were nice enough to stop though... so back to the service. I thanked people and left some out (ughh... I knew that would happen, it's IMPORTANT to write things down for situations like this!!!) the Marines entered for the full honor guard.

My entire life, I had imagined this service. When I was little, I would tell my dad that I wanted the flag and even as I got older. I never thought the day would come though, that I'd be accepting a flag in honor of my dad's service to this country. The ceremony was... I don't even think I know the words to describe it. It was somber, beautiful, sad, respectful, amazing. I am so proud of my father, he was an amazing man who accomplished his dreams. He had no fear, he protected his family and loved them with all he had. He was a true friend to so many people. Ones that I can count and go to for advice, because my dad was the man he was. Honor, Courage, Commitment, Integrity, and Respect.

from your daughter

Dad,

Today I just missed you. Today would be one of those days I would have just picked up the phone to call you and talk about my day and yours. I'd ask you what you were watching and if it wasn't a football game, it would be CNN, the Military Channel, or some movie. Whether it be a war movie, your cowboy/China movie, a comedy, or even a lifetime movie. I don't know why today was so hard for me. I have to start another class today. I would have told you that too. I would have told you that finally, over the last few months, work was finally getting better. I would have just been able to hear your voice and tell you that I love you. You would have asked if I was driving and talking to you and I would have lied and told you no because you hated when I would drive and talk to you. I still don't get that because if we were in a car together, we'd be talking so what is the difference? People drive and eat at the same time, not much difference there either. I would have mentioned that and you would still say it doesn't matter, you don't like when I drive and talk on the phone... so that is why I would have told you I wasn't driving. We'd talk about the weather, was there snow yet and I would tell you today it was nice. You'd say it would still be too hot for you here. Eventually, we'd end up wrapping up our conversation and I'd tell you that I love you and you'd say "I love you too, baby". Then we'd hang up. I would be able to call you again another day. And now I can't call you... and dad, it's really, really crappy. I hate it and I miss you so much. I love you with all my heart... forever.

Dreams

So since my dad died, I keep having dreams of people dying or they are going to die. My aunt said the same thing happened to her when each of my grandparents passed away. So far, it's been random people. Nothing that really effects me. Last night, it was about my mom though. That is not cool! So now I'm awake and my emotions are blah, I really hate when a dream does that to you. I never dreamed like this when Paula died, so this is new. I really don't like it because most of the time I don't even remember my dreams. I just wish that my dad would appear in mine. Maybe I'm not ready for that yet though.

I know that I keep writing about my grief; however, there is a purpose to this. I am hoping that others will find this and it may help them through this horrific time. I am hoping that anyone else with a parent who was effected by Agent Orange and who has cirrhosis of the liver, knows that even though the government will not admit that Agent Orange causes cirrhosis, it really does and that he or she is not alone. Just so the world does know... Agent Orange does cause cirrhosis of the liver. Even my dad's doctor mentioned that his cirrhosis was not because of drinking. Now to figure out how to get the government to change their thinking.

an obituary

You know how some days, it just seems like you can pick up the phone and call someone? Even though they are gone and you know this, you still feel like you can. Today, I placed an obituary in the newspaper. That's final. He's gone. I feel numb as I just realized, it wasn't just a nice note about my dad, it was final. He has died and I'm announcing it to the world. I never in a million years, thought losing him would be this hard. I can't just pick up the phone and call. I can't hear his voice. I can't ask him for advice. I can't just say "I Love You". Oh this really sucks.




"Roy Lewis Hoy, 63, passed away on July 24, 2011 in Fairbanks, Alaska surrounded by loved ones. Roy was born in Niagara Falls, New York and at the age of 9, moved to Mesa, Arizona. Roy, a Vietnam Veteran, served proudly with the United States Marine Corps in 5th Force Recon from 1966-1968. Roy moved to Fairbanks, Alaska in 1974 where he worked as a carpenter and millwright and finally retiring as a successful business owner. As a young boy, Roy dreamed of flying across the U.S., which he accomplished. Roy also had a passion for skydiving and a deep love for his family. He was preceded in death by his mother, Viola Lostracco Hoy and father Harry Hoy. He is survived by his only daughter, Jennifer Hoy of Tempe/Mesa, Arizona (and her mother, Anna Cannon Hoy); his wife, GouFeng Ma-Hoy and two stepsons of Fairbanks, Alaska; siblings David (Lynn) Hoy, Marian (Mike) Bailey, Randy (Diane) Hoy, Tammy (Raymond) Blair, and Rosann (Dwayne) Blair, all of Mesa, Arizona; many nephews and nieces; and extended family in Niagara Falls, New York. Roy was loved by his family and will be deeply missed. There will be a private memorial to celebrate and honor the life of Mr. Hoy. The service will be held on Saturday, September 24 at 10 a.m. in Tempe, Arizona. For further details, contact Jennifer at xxxxx"

Happy Birthday to my MOM

My mom is aMaZing!

She's always there when I need her

her love truly is unconditional

Today, she came to my house, for her birthday, because I was having a hard day, hard weekend. She wanted to help take my mind off my dad, and off of 'him'. She wanted to help stop my heart from hurting, if only for a little bit. And she did. She made me laugh and she let me cry.

I wish my mother enough, always and forever.

Happy Birthday Mom!

Cherry Cake Pops

My second attempt at cake pops.

I tried a Cherry Chip cake mix with cream cheese frosting

Dipped in white chocolate

How to make these scrumptious little treats:

1 box of cake mix

1 can of frosting

Bake the cake according to the directions on the box

Let it cool

Crumple the cake in a large bowl

Mix in the frosting

Roll the mixture into round balls

In the past, I just put the balls into the freezer

Next time though, I'm going to try putting them on sticks

Then putting them in the freezer

Melt chocolate

Dip Cake Pops into chocolate

So I am not the best at this dipping thing. It could be because I'm using chocolate chips instead of melting chocolate? Anyone??? I did find that using the sticks is helpful; however, these cake balls seemed to stay very moist {yeah, I know many people do not like that word... sorry but it's the only way I can think to describe it}. I just need more practice with the dipping! You can decorate them in so many ways. I'm too lazy to do the drizzle, sprinkles, ect., so with me you just get plain. You can also mix up the flavors. I did one before with a yellow cake mix, chocolate frosting, dipped in a mixture of chocolate chips and butterscotch chips (half and half). Those are my favorite so far. Let me know if you have any other suggestions or flavor ideas! Also, I created my own little box to hold the Cake Pops but I hear that Bed, Bath, and Beyond may have something coming in so you can display these yummy treats a little nicer than on a Jessica Simpson shoe box! Hey- it will work for now though!

Dear Dad

Dear Dad,

I miss you soooo much!

I really just want to pick up the phone and call you. I want to tell you about my day. I want to just hear your voice. I want to call you and tell you random things, like my toenail chipped!

I love you so much and miss you all the time. I feel an emptiness in my heart because you are not here. BUT... I know you are there, it's just not the same. I just really miss you.

Love,

your daughter

Friday Mornings.... a good find

So for the last 2 Friday mornings, I've been spending some time at our local Border's book store because they are going out of business. Today, I purchased 2 cookbooks {see below}, a gardening book, and 4 fiction books for $36.00. I'm so excited!!! {and kind of addicted}


I've been buying books like crazy. I can't wait til next Friday because there will be more of a discount and I will be going back to see what I can find. I'm going to definitely spend more time near the cookbooks and venture over to world history.

Today... I was just sad.

Because I miss him.

{my graduation, April 2008}

Stage One of Grief or maybe the 4th stage...

I think that I am still in stage one. It's not so much the shock or denial, just the numbness of it all. I feel like I'm not in my body. That I am just here, going through the motions. It feels like nothing else really matters, I just don't care. I think about my dad all the time. I go back to when I was really young or as I was older. I have a picture ingraved in my head of holding his hand while we walked down the street in downtown Fairbanks when I was about 3 years old. I believe I already brought this memory up but it is the one instilled in my brain that makes me happy. The one where I felt like nothing in this world would ever hurt me, because I had my dad there. I just remember being happy.
I don't cry much now. I think I cried more when he was still alive, after I got back from Alaska in June. After I saw how confused he was. After I saw how he really was. I believe that is when my "grieving" started though.
You know, maybe I've passed the first 3 stages of grief though, but maybe not. I've gotten angry and I'm not anymore. I've felt the guilt and I don't now. I honestly feel like I'm waiting for the storm to hit though. Like I've been doing "ok" but something big is going to happen. For the most part, I'm not isolating myself too much though and I do talk with a few people about everything.

September 1972

My mom, dad, and I

I'm fine... I'm ok...

I get asked every day "how are you". I don't mind at all because I know that people are concerned and I appreciate each person. Everytime, I answer "I'm fine" or "I'm ok". But you know what, I am not. My body feels empty. Like there is nothing there, I just go through the motions and do what I need to do. I feel like something is missing. I feel numb. My heart doesn't even feel like it beats inside my body.

Every night I go to sleep, I ask my dad to come to my dream and tell me that everything is ok and will be ok. That he's better now and happy. I know, I know... he is but I still want him to meet me in my dream. I want to hug him in my dream. I want to tell him I love him in my dream. I want to wake up in the morning knowing my dad came to see me in my dream. I miss him. I miss him so much.

So how am I? I guess for someone who lost her father at too young of an age, I am ok. I am fine. In reality, I am just really crappy but I can't say that so I'm fine, I'm ok.

Last night

So it's a bitter sweet to be heading home in the morning. I want to go home, I need to go home, but leaving here leaves behind a past that I will not be able to get back. If or when I come back to Fairbanks, it's not to see my dad. He's not here anymore. I think some day, I want to come back to Alaska and seek the adventures that so many think this place is about. For me, the last few years have been about spending time with my dad and nothing more.

Going though his photos and documents, my dad really has done and seen a lot in his life. He was born in Niagara Falls, NY and moved to Arizona at the age of 7. He started working at a very young age, 12, 13, or 14 to help support his family. When he was 19, he went to Vietnam. When he came home, he skydived, obtained his pilot license, married my mom, and had me. In 1974 or 75 he moved to Alaska to work. He had his truck and $1,000 with him. He worked on the Alaska Pipeline, he moved back to Arizona for a few years, then back to Alaska. He flew his airplane around the United States. He has always told me he lived a good life and has no regrets. Over the last few years, he went back to Vietnam and spent time in China.

That is all for tonight... I miss you dad!

6 days later

Everything is pretty much taken care of. I have his ashes {Feng has half, I have half}. I have photos, documents, the things that he showed me year after year and told me stories about. I will come home with 3 bags and 1 personal bag. All of my father. I will come home with a heart half whole. Last night, I fell asleep about 5 pm. I woke up at 6:15, went to have a pedicure and was asleep again around 10. I slept til about 12:30 PM (yes, over 12 hours). I've gotten up a few times today but I feel weak. I feel like I can't move. I feel empty and sad. My body shakes to get up. It's finally hitting me and I'm ready to go home.
The last two nights, I've had dreams. They haven't been good dreams, they are the dreams were you scream at people, you take your anger out. The first had Ethel in it and I probably cannot say on the internet what I was doing in the dream but it wasn't nice. Then I turned and my dad was there, I didn't see his face though but it was him. He just hugged me and told me it would be ok. Last night I had a dream about Feng. That her and I were fighting over things and it was just crazy. We made up in my dream. I am lucky that she is the person she is because I believe she and I want the best of each other and to make each other happy during this time. I think my dad would be happy with how our friendship has been. I feel guilty though because in the beginning, I just went and went to get everything taken care of. Now, I just want to be alone to grieve. Both are opposite of her culture. She wants to grieve, then take care of things. She has been very good with understanding that because I'm only here for awhile, we needed to get this stuff taken care of.
6 days later though, as I said, most everything is taken care of. The other things can wait or will be processed in time. I need to plan a service, that will be in Arizona but I'm not in a hurry. My dad hated the heat and August is like hell there. Maybe we'll have it in Sept so people can plan to attend and have enough time to get everything in order. Now, it's just time to go home, climb in bed, and wait a week until I go back to work. Until life starts again. For now though, I miss my dad with every part of my being.