A look back on 18 months

So I was thinking... or wondering, why for the last year I had such a hard time being so positive. And tonight, it dawned on me that it's been one heck of a year.

1) I bought my first home on my own. Now, this is great but stressful. Finding the home, waiting for the short sale to go through, finding a renter for the other house, moving into the new house. Budgeting... I am still trying to figure this one out.

I started looking at the end of July 2009.

Found this house in February 2010

Closed in May 2010

Moved in May 2010 (Memorial weekend)

2) The week I was signing papers on the house, I found out my dad had been given 6-12 months to live (that was in January 2010).

3) June 2010 - go to Alaska to see my dad

4) Him- he comes to visit for Labor Day, have a great time together, then he gets distant, work is stressful for him, life is stressful. We grow distant, well he does, I go girl, he goes more distant... not a good situation. Both of us are having a difficult time. My heart is sad.

5) Max dies {my 14 year old Rottie/Queensland Heeler dog}

6) My mom moves into my house the end of September with her crazy yellow lab. She has fractured her knee. I have a new puppy {Lynkin}. She is a great help but we realize 6 weeks later we cannot live together. Mom goes back home but I am thankful she could stay with me and we were able to help one another (me with her knee, her with Lynkin and the house training).

7) I finish my MBA sometime in October 2010. That is it, it's over. I get a 'good job'.

8) November 2010 - back to Alaska to see my dad

9) Washington DC in December 2010 to visit Erika. I need a major vacation and it was just what I needed. He is even more distant, my heart is even more sad. My dad is not able to understand that I am even in DC.

10) Did I mention work has been stressful since April 2010? Yeah that is not a good mix but I still like my job and work with some great people so I am thankful for their support.

11) After March 2011, the budget with the new house is getting better, less stressful. I've come to accept We are done. My dad has a great week.

12) April 2011 - my dad is continuing to stay in his confused frame of mind. He would usually come out of it once a week for at least a day. I would be happy when I caught him on a 'good' day.

13) May 2011 - Things with my dad are not improving. I do not know what to do. Do I go see him or wait. Confused, sad, concerned.

14) June 2011 - Back to Alaska. Things spiral from there. 6 weeks of phone calls to Alaska, trying to find a way to get my dad here. The wife can't take care of him, possibly a nursing home, unsafe for him to be home alone. What to do

15) July 2011 - Well, you can read below

My mom mentioned that I have been through a lot in the last year. That I am strong. I thought why would she say I've been through so much? Then I started thinking and that is what I came up with.

October 21, 2011 -

My mom is healthy and you know, she is my best friend. That makes me happy.

He is back, slowly. So maybe? Maybe we needed a break. Maybe no matter what, he would have tried his best and it would not have been good enough for me. So maybe, that is why. Maybe to prepare my heart for July. I don't know but He is back and that makes me happy.

My dad.... my heart is still empty. I am communicating with a friend of my dad's, he is emailing me stories. {my dad is badass!} The stories put a smile back in my heart. A smile where my dad is. My dad would want me to be happy. To keep him in my heart. I will and I do.

For those of my friends who have dealt with me for the last 18 months, I thank you. It's definitely been a ride and the grieving is not over with but I am going to be ok. My mom says I am strong. My dad told me I am him. My dad was very strong.

2011

The last few months have brought good and bad. How does it seem that the 1 bad out weighs all the good? And why doesn't the good make me happier? Because when your heart fills broken, not much can heal it... just time.
So here are the things that I am thankful for:
1) My dad is on a waiting list for a liver transplant {he's also doing better with acupuncture, massage therapy, and herbal medicines}
2) I have the best puppy in the world! He's totally chill, has not damaged my house, and he makes my heart smile on my sad days.
3) Friendships that I have thought were lost have returned. First Heather, then Erika, and finally Angie, (we found each other again through FB). Each of these women have been through various situations in my life and now, as I am nearing 40, my heart is yet broken again, and I could possibly be entering a mid-life crisis, are each back in my life. It makes me think back to the email that goes around about friends in your life for a reason, a season, and a lifetime (something like that). Getting together again is like there was never any time lost or any issues between us. I am very thankful for each of them. I'm thankful for all of my friends {and that means YOU!}.

I am thankful for my mothers unconditional love and her health, my house, surviving my MBA and continuing my education. I am blessed with a job and even though there are days I am just burnt out, I do enjoy it along with the people I work with.

So all in all, I am very blessed.

House Hunting

Last May I decided to buy a house. This was something I have always wanted to do and decided it was fine. I did not want to start looking for awhile, because I did not want to find a house in June, close in August, and move in the middle of 118 degree weather. So, I waited until the middle of July to start looking and found the house I wanted. Unfortunately, it was a short sale but I wasn't in a hurry so I was fine to wait. Well, I waited 7 months. I passed up a few houses only because I REALLY wanted this specific one and everyone kept saying to hold out, it will happen. In mid February, I was told the seller's changed their mind and I decided to fight to keep their house. So, I was back to square one, with only 3 months until the first time homeowners tax credit expires. I found the next house; however, it was overpriced. I kept looking at other houses and watched the price on the 2nd house drop. When it finally got to a price I was willing to pay, I made an offer. We went back and forth for 8 days only to find out the seller and agent were basically partners and in my opinion, low life scum. I countered with 'you pay me back if the house does not close on time' and the seller said he wouldn't counter my offer. Back to square one, again. Third house, I made an offer, someone came in and offered substantially more and cash. DANG IT! Meanwhile... I have an offer on a second short sale since mid-February but not expecting anything to come of it because, well... you can see a pattern, right? Currently, this 2nd short sale house has been approved by the 1st mortgage company. I am waiting for the 2nd mortgage company to 'officially' approve the 2nd mortgage. They stated they would as soon as the 1st was approved. It hasn't quite been a week, but seriously, they better hurry up because next week, I am going back to look at houses.

Oh the joys of trying to have a mortgage payment!

Goal #2

Out with the old... in with the new.

I am slowly packing because I know at some point, I will be moving. Goal #2 is to purge. Get rid of things I do not use {easier said than done}. Here is what happens. I come across something I haven't used and I think to myself... but I WILL use it!!! Hint to self: NO YOU WILL NOT! My second though: the house will be bigger. Second tip to self: WHO CARES! Is this just me? Does anyone else contemplate what to get rid of and what not to get rid of? I remember when I was little, this trait of mine drove my mother insane. I used to save the shavings of my crayons (for some odd reason I learned you could melt them together to make one cool crayon). I never did melt them together. Wish me luck!

End of the world?

(Max and Howie, 2001)

You know those days were you seem like it's the end of the world and nothing could be worse? Well then you read about an adorable little baby who has baby asthema and think, yes, there are things that could be worse. Worrying about your baby, it's worse than my day.

but on that note... I would just like to say, even though today is not the worst day, it wasn't one of the better days. Overall, I am lucky because I had lunch and a great Starbucks convo with a friend who always makes me laugh. (I always have to throw in the optimistic side)

Today though, was one of those days I missed my best friend. I wanted to call her and talk about my stresses. I miss having that in my life. That is one of the worst things for me... not having Paula there, especially on the days I would turn to her to vent with, head to dinner and a movie with, and know that no matter what, she would listen and be there for me.

I think I've cried it all out and my head is clear again though. Just school, life, not working out for 4 days, you know, the typical stress of my life and every once in awhile I have a mental breakdown. Accounting is almost done (24 hours left) and I am seriously considering taking off a few weeks to focus on some training but I am not sure yet, we'll see. This is a random, type out my feelings post, but in a year, it will definitely be interesting to see how far I have come....

Thanks for listening

~peace~

Happy New Year

Ok so it's a few days late. I hope that everyone had a good New Year's Eve and most joyful New Year"s Day- I'm just glad for a new year and happy that 07 is done. Thanks for being there for me over the last year...

08 will bring me to:
finishing my degree
possible changes in a career
possible changes in geography
cuter clothes and achieving goals (thanks to Cliff and the girls at Epiphany)

It is scary putting down your goals for everyone to see. So hopefully this means I will stick with them and make the right choices for myself.