My first love...

I wish I could get on a plane to go here....

and spend some time with this man....

because he would make everything better!

My first love... My Dad.

Adele - Someone Like You

I don't think anything is more fitting... 

Someone Like You Lyrics ~ Adele

I heard that you're settled downThat you found a girl and you're married nowI heard that your dreams came trueGuess she gave you things I didn't give to you
Old friend, why are you so shy?Ain't like you to hold back or hide from the light
I hate to turn up out of the blue, uninvitedBut I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight itI had hoped you'd see my face and that you'd be remindedThat for me, it isn't over
Never mind, I'll find someone like youI wish nothing but the best for you, tooDon't forget me, I begged, I remember you saidSometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts insteadSometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead
You know how the time fliesOnly yesterday was the time of our livesWe were born and raised in a summer hazeBound by the surprise of our glory days
I hate to turn up out of the blue, uninvitedBut I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight itI had hoped you'd see my face and that you'd be remindedThat for me, it isn't over yet
Never mind, I'll find someone like youI wish nothing but the best for you, tooDon't forget me, I begged, I remember you saidSometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead, yeah
Nothing compares, no worries or caresRegrets and mistakes, they're memories madeWho would have known how bittersweet this would taste?
Never mind, I'll find someone like youI wish nothing but the best for youDon't forget me, I begged, I remember you saidSometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead
Never mind, I'll find someone like youI wish nothing but the best for you, tooDon't forget me, I begged, I remember you saidSometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts insteadSometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead

Closure

I might not be everything you ever wanted,

but I will always be more than you ever deserve.

The end.

Love

It's been over a year since I talked to 'him'... him is not my dad, not God... it's him. The person after all those years that I truly trusted, believed in, and loved. To this day, if I say his name or someone else says it. My heart literally stops and my stomach turns over. My body goes numb. All because deep within me, I still love him. I don't want to... I want to not think about him every day, morning and night. He's not the first person I think of when I wake up now, so that is good. However, soon enough he's in my head, my heart. I miss our morning talks, me on the freeway... going into work. Him on an airplane, waiting to take off to go to work. I miss our nightly chats, every night for 3 years. How our days were, where he currently was, how his flights were, how his meetings were, what I was working on for school, how work went. Him buying a 7, me buying a house.
Then one day, just stopped or slowed... him dealing with the pressure of work, me dealing with the fact that my father was dying. Then my dad died... so did I. Nothing he did was good enough, I needed more... at the same time, he was pulling away and chose not to give more. Pushing and pulling until I broke. I screamed, yelled, cried, and said some horrible things. I said I was done.
That was Nov. 29, 2011, his birthday, on my way to see a counselor because I was trying to deal with the loss of my dad, losing him, and the hell of dealing with CW. 1 year and almost 4 months later, it still hurts... it burns. Not as bad as it did then or even 6 months ago. Tonight I sent an email, nothing personal, just a cute forward... thinking maybe... he was past the hurt. The email returned, his email no more. I stared at the screen and tears poured out my eyes. My heart is numb, I am numb, I miss him... I love him... I love him from deep within me. I wonder if I will ever trust or love again. I want to do but it hurts so bad that I don't think I will ever let myself get that close to someone again. Tomorrow I'll wake up and the pain will be a little less again. Maybe one day it won't be there anymore... at all. I doubt it. The ironic part is, I am strong... so why am I so weak when it comes to him. Why do I let him affect me this way. Why do I love him so deeply?
Because I finally opened my heart, truly opened it... because he is amazing, amazing to me. They say it's better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all... I don't know about that saying but what I do know is for years, he pushed me to be a better person, to work harder, and strive for more than I thought I could achieve. Funny thing is, I want to close this with a thank you.. but I my heart won't let me. I want to close this with... maybe someday... but my heart won't let me. The one thing I know is it's time to let go, which I have been working on. It's been working but then tonight, seeing the email was no longer there, it stopped me in my tracks, like a slap in the face. No matter what, he was important to me, no matter if there is a someday or not, he will always be in my heart.

 

him

I miss my best friend too....

A look back on 18 months

So I was thinking... or wondering, why for the last year I had such a hard time being so positive. And tonight, it dawned on me that it's been one heck of a year.

1) I bought my first home on my own. Now, this is great but stressful. Finding the home, waiting for the short sale to go through, finding a renter for the other house, moving into the new house. Budgeting... I am still trying to figure this one out.

I started looking at the end of July 2009.

Found this house in February 2010

Closed in May 2010

Moved in May 2010 (Memorial weekend)

2) The week I was signing papers on the house, I found out my dad had been given 6-12 months to live (that was in January 2010).

3) June 2010 - go to Alaska to see my dad

4) Him- he comes to visit for Labor Day, have a great time together, then he gets distant, work is stressful for him, life is stressful. We grow distant, well he does, I go girl, he goes more distant... not a good situation. Both of us are having a difficult time. My heart is sad.

5) Max dies {my 14 year old Rottie/Queensland Heeler dog}

6) My mom moves into my house the end of September with her crazy yellow lab. She has fractured her knee. I have a new puppy {Lynkin}. She is a great help but we realize 6 weeks later we cannot live together. Mom goes back home but I am thankful she could stay with me and we were able to help one another (me with her knee, her with Lynkin and the house training).

7) I finish my MBA sometime in October 2010. That is it, it's over. I get a 'good job'.

8) November 2010 - back to Alaska to see my dad

9) Washington DC in December 2010 to visit Erika. I need a major vacation and it was just what I needed. He is even more distant, my heart is even more sad. My dad is not able to understand that I am even in DC.

10) Did I mention work has been stressful since April 2010? Yeah that is not a good mix but I still like my job and work with some great people so I am thankful for their support.

11) After March 2011, the budget with the new house is getting better, less stressful. I've come to accept We are done. My dad has a great week.

12) April 2011 - my dad is continuing to stay in his confused frame of mind. He would usually come out of it once a week for at least a day. I would be happy when I caught him on a 'good' day.

13) May 2011 - Things with my dad are not improving. I do not know what to do. Do I go see him or wait. Confused, sad, concerned.

14) June 2011 - Back to Alaska. Things spiral from there. 6 weeks of phone calls to Alaska, trying to find a way to get my dad here. The wife can't take care of him, possibly a nursing home, unsafe for him to be home alone. What to do

15) July 2011 - Well, you can read below

My mom mentioned that I have been through a lot in the last year. That I am strong. I thought why would she say I've been through so much? Then I started thinking and that is what I came up with.

October 21, 2011 -

My mom is healthy and you know, she is my best friend. That makes me happy.

He is back, slowly. So maybe? Maybe we needed a break. Maybe no matter what, he would have tried his best and it would not have been good enough for me. So maybe, that is why. Maybe to prepare my heart for July. I don't know but He is back and that makes me happy.

My dad.... my heart is still empty. I am communicating with a friend of my dad's, he is emailing me stories. {my dad is badass!} The stories put a smile back in my heart. A smile where my dad is. My dad would want me to be happy. To keep him in my heart. I will and I do.

For those of my friends who have dealt with me for the last 18 months, I thank you. It's definitely been a ride and the grieving is not over with but I am going to be ok. My mom says I am strong. My dad told me I am him. My dad was very strong.

truth

found this through pinterest... so very true.

Stand.....

It always comes back to this....

You feel like a candle in a hurricane
Just like a picture with a broken frame
Alone and helpless
Like you've lost your fight
But you'll be alright, you'll be alright

Cause when push comes to shove
You taste what you're made of
You might bend, till you break
Cause its all you can take
On your knees you look up
Decide you've had enough
You get mad you get strong
Wipe your hands shake it off
Then you Stand,
Then you stand

Life's like a novel
With the end ripped out
The edge of a canyon
With only one way down
Take what you're given before its gone
Start holding on, keep holding on
Cause when push comes to shove
You taste what you're made of
You might bend till you break

Cause it's all you can take
On your knees you look up
Decide you've had enough
You get mad, you get strong
Wipe your hands, shake it off
Then you stand, then you stand

Everytime you get up
And get back in the race
One more small piece of you
Starts to fall into place


I really need to start just writing my thoughts in a journal instead of posting through a song on here... but over the last couple of months, I have nothing happy to write about, except Lynkin. He makes me happy and tonight... he gets to sleep on my bed because he's unconditional.

Collide

The dawn is breaking
A light shining through
You're barely waking
And I'm tangled up in you, yeah

I'm open, you're closed
Where I follow, you'll go
I worry I won't see your face
Light up again

Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the wrong words seem to rhyme
Out of the doubt that fills my mind
I somehow find you and I collide

I'm quiet you know
You make a first impression
I've found I'm scared to know
I'm always on your mind

Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the stars refuse to shine
Out of the back you fall in time
I somehow find you and I collide

Don't stop here
I lost my place
I'm close behind

Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the wrong words seem to rhyme
Out of the doubt that fills your mind
You finally find you and I collide

You finally find you and I collide
You finally find you and I collide

~Howie Day

For You...

You're better then the best

I'm lucky just to linger in your light

Cooler then the flip side of my pillow, that's right

Completely unaware

Nothing can compare to where you send me,

Lets me know that it's ok, yeah it's ok

And the moments where my good times start to fade

You make me smile like the sun

Fall out of bed, sing like bird

Dizzy in my head, spin like a record

Crazy on a Sunday night

You make me dance like a fool

Forget how to breathe

Shine like gold, buzz like a bee

Just the thought of you can drive me wild

Ohh, you make me smile

Even when you're gone

Somehow you come along

Just like a flower poking through the sidewalk crack and just like that

You steal away the rain and just like that

You make me smile like the sun

Fall out of bed, sing like bird

Dizzy in my head, spin like a record

Crazy on a Sunday nightYou make me dance like a fool

Forget how to breathe

Shine like gold, buzz like a bee

Just the thought of you can drive me wild

Ohh, you make me smile

Don't know how I lived without you

Cuz everytime that I get around you

I see the best of me inside your eyes

You make me smile

You make me dance like a fool

Forget how to breathe

Shine like gold, buzz like a bee

Just the thought of you can drive me wild

You make me smile like the sun

Fall out of bed, sing like bird

Dizzy in my head, spin like a record

Crazy on a Sunday night

You make me dance like a fool

Forget how to breathe

Shine like gold, buzz like a bee

Just the thought of you can drive me wild

Ohh, you make me smile