6 months

6 months ago, I was in the hospital in Fairbanks. I had landed almost 72 hours earlier and went straight from the airport to the hospital. I didn't leave until... until my dad was gone. 6 months ago, I was probably sitting next to his bed at this time. Wanting things to change. Wanting my dad to be ok but knowing that it was time. 6 months ago, I made phone calls to his brothers and sisters so I could put the phone next to his ear and they could say good-bye. 6 months ago, I laid next to my dad in his hospital bed, holding his hand, my head on his shoulder, and I slept. I felt comfort next to him, I felt safe and content. 6 months ago, I told my dad I would be ok. That he could go, he could go with mom and his dad now. 6 months ago, I told my dad how much I loved him. How much he meant to me. How much I appreciated everything he had ever done for me. 6 months ago, I let go of any pain or hurt I had and I forgave him for things that he never understood. 6 months ago, I sat in a hospital room, making plans for my dad after he passed away. What funeral home, signing papers, helping nurses when they moved him so he wouldn't get bed sores. 6 months ago, I was at my dad's feet, helping the nurses, when I saw her face, the nurses face. Then I saw her lips move and I heard her whisper to the other nurse... he's not breathing. 6 months ago, I looked at the nurse and I knew, I knew my dad had let go. 6 months ago, I ran next to his side, I hugged him, I cried, I told him I loved him, and I said good-bye to my dad's body. 6 months ago I called my mom at 11:30 at night and told her how much I loved her. 6 months ago, a part of me died.  


This song, I Won't Let Go, by Rascal Flatts, makes me think of my dad. It makes me remember how much I wanted to fix him and make him feel better. It makes me realize how life changes. When I was born, he wanted to protect me and keep me safe. In his final days, I wanted to protect him and keep him safe. 

It’s like a storm
That cuts a path
It breaks your will
It feels like that
You think you're lost
But you're not lost
On your own
You're not alone

I will stand by you
I will help you through
When you’ve done all you can do
And you can’t cope
I will dry your eyes
I will fight your fight
I will hold you tight
And I won't let go

It hurts my heart
To see you cry
I know it’s dark
This part of life
Oh, it finds us all
But we’re too small
To stop the rain
Oh, but when it rains

I will stand by you
I will help you through
When you’ve done all you can do
And you can’t cope
I will dry your eyes
I will fight your fight
I will hold you tight
And I won't let you fall

Don’t be afraid to fall
I’m right here to catch you
I won't let you down
It won't get you down
You're gonna make it
Yeah, I know you can make it

Cause I will stand by you
I will help you through
When you’ve done all you can do
And you can’t cope
And I will dry your eyes
I will fight your fight
I will hold you tight
And I won't let go

Oh I’m gonna hold you
And I won't let go
Won't let you go
No, I won't

Reminder

He had Hepatic encephalopathy. 
My mom reminded me tonight. 

Symptoms many begin slowly and gradually worsen, or they may begin suddenly and be severe from the start.

Symptoms may be mild at first. Family members or caregivers may notice that the patient has:

• Breath with a musty or sweet odor - not sure about this one
• Change in sleep patterns - totally...  but thought it was due to his PTSD. He started sleeping during the day and was awake at night, effecting going into work prior to his retirement.
• Changes in thinking - yep
• Confusion that is mild - yep
• Forgetfulness - he disagreed but he did
• Mental fogginess - can you say discombobulated??? Definitely
• Personality or mood changes - Totally noticed changes beginning in April 2008
• Poor concentration - Yes
• Poor judgment - In my opinion, definitely!
• Worsening of handwriting or loss of other small hand movements - Handwriting, yes. Small hand movements, I'm not sure about that one

More severe symptoms may include:

• Abnormal movements or shaking of hands or arms - in the end, yes
• Agitation, excitement, or seizures (occur rarely) - oh yes
• Disorientation - see discombobulated
• Drowsiness or confusion - sleeping for 4 days in a row would be yes on drowsiness and confusion would be equivalent to using a fork to open a can of peaches, I'd say yes.
• Inappropriate behavior or severe personality changes - I saw things that didn't seem like my dad and in 2008, there were some personality changes that I'd say were equal to the personality changes.
• Slurred speech - yep
• Slowed or sluggish movement - definitely at the end. 
  Read here for more information on Hepatic Encephalopathy

So this explains some of his decisions. Decisions I am dealing with now and decisions that still make me wonder if I was good enough for him. Did I let him down? I hate having these thoughts, thoughts I've always had but I know in my heart that he did love me. He was proud of me. I did not let him down. The decisions made were only done because he thought he was doing the right thing. He had hepatic encephalopathy. He just didn't want to deal with it all. Hell, I don't want to deal with it now either but I will and I will not back down. 

So dad, if you are listening, please keep giving me strength because I know if this situation was a little different and it was in regard to mom, you'd tell me to not back down. To look out for me. That blood is thicker than water and your family is who will be there in the end. 

Life is definitely not fair but seriously world, when someone's down... can ya stop kicking? Thanks!

Goodbye 2011

So 2011, I'd have to say was the worst year of my entire life. For those of you who know me, you know why and unfortunately, there was more than just my dad passing away. THAT was the worst though and gave me strength for other things I needed to do.

To find things that I am thankful for this past year, the first one would be my mom. I wouldn't have made it through this year without her. She's my rock. My aunt Rosann too. When I was younger we were close and into my adult years, we grew apart. Over the last couple of years though, she's become one of my best friends and was there every step of the way for me. She has been the other rock that I couldn't have made it through without either.

My dad's friends... especially P & Mac. First P, who flew to Alaska for the last few days of my dad's life. Their friendship has always been something I admire and having P there helped me know that the decisions I made were the right ones. P is such an amazing man and has been there for me more than this. The relationship between these two men could be next to the definition of 'Semper Fi'. Next, Mac, who I didn't realize was such a great friend to my dad, appeared because I needed some advice. I found out their relationship was more than business, it was a true friendship. Mac shared stories with me about my dad. It was unexpected but just what I needed to help find peace in my heart.

I am also thankful for my friends, family, and the amazing pup, Lynkin. In 2010, work started to struggle and continued into 2011 but thankfully, it has turned around and I'm back to my comfortable level when it comes to my job.

Lastly, I am so thankful for my dad. 

Just a little brownie with a twist

If you haven't check out Pinterest, you should because it's the best way to 'bookmark' your favorite things.  I've always used 'my favorites' to bookmark website but what I love about Pinterest is it actually bookmarks the exact recipe, photo, diy, and even the exact link to specific items that you would eventually like to purchase (like this).

So, I came across this recipe... something about chocolate chip cookie dough, oreo's, and brownies. Uhmmm... is this not everyone's 3 combinations??? Well, ok, almost everyone... but still, someone called these slutty brownies. I like that name but I called them a little bit of Heaven. You can call them whatever you'd like!

Here is what you'll need:
1 package of chocolate chip cookie mix (you can also use the cookie dough in the tub, tube, or make your own)
1 package of oreo's (I tried it with normal oreo's and what's nice about this is you'll have some left over. Then, I tried it with double stuffed. You won't have any left over but it will taste better in the recipe)
1 box of brownie mix (follow the instructions on the box)

Now... I am going to give you an amazing tip: use parchment paper to line your pan because it will be so, so, so easy for you to get the 'brownies' out of the pan. Plus, there is less mess... now that in itself could be a little like a heavenly tip!

Here is what you do:
Mix your cookie dough and spread it in the bottom of a 9"x13" baking pan (I use my Pampered Chef baking stone and parchment paper)

Layer the Oreo cookies on top of the cookie dough

Mix the brownie mix and pour on top of the cookie dough and Oreo's.

Bake at 350f for 30 mins

 I began to think of some other ideas you could do with this recipe and one thing came to mind... Nutter Butters! You could use chocolate chip cookie dough, peanut butter cookie dough, and even sugar cookie dough... You could also use (as mentioned) Nutter Butters, any variety of the Oreo's, and you know those so good lemon creme sandwich cookies? Yeah... you could use those! I haven't come up with too many ideas for a replacement with the brownie mix but I pretty much think most things will taste good with the brownie mix on top or even try a blondie brownie mix for the top.

Enjoy!

In memory of my dad, I love you!

Grey's Anatomy, Grief

I was watching Grey's... George died and Lizzy said "When it hurts so much you can't breathe, that's how you survive" - I googled it and came across this entire quote from the episode. 


Grief may be a thing we all have in common, but it looks different on everyone. It isn’t just death we have to grieve. It’s life. It’s loss. It’s change. And when we wonder why it has to suck so much sometimes, has to hurt so bad. The thing we gotta try to remember is that it can turn on a dime. That’s how you stay alive. When it hurts so much you can’t breathe, that’s how you survive. By remembering that one day, somehow, impossibly, you won’t feel this way. It won’t hurt this much. Grief comes in its own time for everyone, in its own way. So the best we can do, the best anyone can do, is try for honesty. The really crappy thing, the very worst part of grief is that you can’t control it. The best we can do is try to let ourselves feel it when it comes. And let it go when we can. The very worst part is that the minute you think you’re past it, it starts all over again. And always, every time, it takes your breath away. There are five stages of grief. They look different on all of us, but there are always five. Denial. Anger. Bargaining. Depression. Acceptance. 
~Grey's Anatomy

Dear Dad

I just wanted to say thank you for your strength. I've needed it and I know that it's because of you that I've been able to be so strong. I love you always and forever and I miss you so much!

{wonder when they'll get email in Heaven}

Video

If I sent you an email to come here to view the video of my dad, I was unaware it would ask you to log into Facebook. I will keep trying to ensure you all get to see it!

I made this video in memory of my dad. I love him more than anything and I miss him every day. I never realized how much the loss of my dad would impact me. There is no way anyone can relate to losing a parent until he or she does. The emptiness that you feel is something I think can never be filled. At the end of the video, you'll see a drawing of a guy parachuting. Prior to the service for my dad, my mom and I were going through some things she had at her house. We found a letter that my dad had written to her after their divorce. At the end of the letter, I saw that little parachute guy. A drawing I remember so well but had not seen in a very long time. My heart aches for my dad but I'm so lucky that I have so many memories of my dad and that my dad always shared stories with me so I can keep his memory alive.

I love you dad, forever!

Interpreting a Dream

So last night I had this random dream. I dreamt that I had been shot in the back (strange I know). What is even weirder is in my dream, I was thinking to myself "this is what it feels like to die". I also remember thinking I was going to die... I even remember feelin the moment I 'died'. The next thing I remember was my mom crying and begging me not to die (REMEMBER, THIS WAS JUST A DREAM). I saw her asking me to come back but I remember thinking, my dad is here and I can be with him. That is when I woke up. I don't remember my dreams very much. So when I have a dream like this, I try to analyze it. So my analogy of this dream is that I miss my dad and I just want to spend another day with him. The last week was emotional. It was my first Thanksgiving without him. Even though I spent Thanksgiving in Arizona and the only T-day that I spent with my dad was last year. I flew up for the week and made Thanksgiving dinner (simplified version than what I am use to). He made me make a ham, we didn't have turkey. That makes me laugh some. I think I even made mashed potatoes and gravy too... I had to still call my mom for help! So back to my dream... Totally random and completely freaky... I know.

Honey Chicken Enchilada's

So a friend of mine mentioned this recipe "Honey Lime Chicken Enchiladas"... they sounded sensational... so I asked for the recipe. You can decide for yourself and all I have to say is they are a combination of yummy, amazing, divine, delicious, the list can go on. Seriously, who would have thunk something this simple could be that great!? You can bring some to work to share with your cube-mate if you'd like... I do. You can invite family over or bring some to your mom, just because you're nice that way. Try them... I dare you!

1/3 cup honey

1/4 cup lime juice

1 Tablespoon chili powder

1/2 teaspoon garlic powder

1 pound chicken, cooked and shredded (or pick up a rotisserie chicken from the grocery store ... don't add the skin though)
8-10 flour tortillas, (I use the soft taco tortillas because they fit perfectly in the pan)

1 pound monterey jack cheese, shredded

2 cups green enchilada sauce (or be like me and pick up the 'big' can of green enchilada sauce)

1/2 cup heavy cream

Preheat oven to 350 degrees.

Mix the honey, lime juice, chili powder, and garlic powder together and toss with the shredded chicken. Let it marinate for at least 1/2 hour in the refrigerator. (actually, I shred the chicken first, then add everything else)

Spray a 9X13 pan with cooking spray (or use your Pampered Chef baking stone, no spray needed). Pour enough enchilada sauce on the bottom of the pan to create a thin layer on the bottom. Fill flour tortillas with chicken and a generous amount of shredded cheese, saving about 1 cup of cheese to sprinkle on top of enchiladas.
Mix the remaining enchilada sauce with the cream and leftover chicken marinade (yes, use the same bowl). Pour sauce on top of the enchiladas and top with reserved cheese.

Bake at 350 degrees for 30 minutes until brown and crispy on top (I bake it for 50 - 60 mins, much better).

Enjoy!

Peanut Butter Cups

Years ago, like when I was in high school, I had come across a recipe for peanut butter cups. They were AmaZing... peanut butter, butter, powdered sugar, and vanilla mixed together and put in the bottom of a 9x9 baking dish then poured melted milk chocolate chips on top.

Placed in the refrigerator... delish!

Well, I came across a recipe about a month ago that brought back that mouth watering treat that I had long forgotten about. These had a twist though, someone mixed rice krispies into the peanut butter... yes, just went you thought chocolate and peanut butter couldn't get any better!

Here's the recipe...

Ingredients:

1 1/4 cups smooth peanut butter

1/4 cup butter, room temperature

1 teaspoon vanilla extract

1 cup powdered sugar

1 1/2 cups Rice Krispies cereal

1 3/4 cups milk chocolate chocolate chips

(I suppose you could use semi-sweet if your heart desires, mine does not)

You could do this a couple of ways:

1) You could use a 9x9 or 9x13 baking pan and put the peanut butter mixture on the bottom (see below), then melt the chocolate chips and poor on top. This is hard to cut into 'bars' though (now that I'm remembering... so I'd go to the next idea of how to serve)

2) Use a mini-muffin pan (I am still not sure where my mini muffin pans are and since I was taking these to work, I used one of those 9 x 13, throw away foil pans with a lid you can pick up at the grocery store... I put mini muffin liners in the pan {see below} If I was using a muffin pan, I'd still use liners because I don't want anything too messy, so go with liners... by the way I found the cutest (Christmas) mini muffin liners at Macy's I need to go back if I plan to make these for Christmas).

Pre-heat the oven to 350. Place chocolate chips in each liner and bake for 5 mins. Press the chocolate chips to smooth out the top, use a spoon to do this. (I put mine in for a few extra

minutes because I was hoping they would have melted more... I don't recommend doing that). You could also melt the chocolate then pour it into each muffin cup, I'm actually going to try it this way next time... maybe a little at a time so it does not harden before I get to the end.

Now for the Peanut Butter Mixture:

Mix the butter and peanut butter. Mix in the vanilla, then the powdered sugar. Now, mix in the rice krispies cereal. Place on top of the chocolate and refrigerate.

It's really that simple and you can even make these while making dinner (in a crock pot) and doing homework... all because you promised co-workers you'd bring in a treat for the next day. I don't recommend making those types of promises when you have a final and paper due all in the same weekend... just saying.

Enjoy!

Veteran's Day

I started to blog on Veteran's day, because that is what I usually do. This year though, the day was hard. It's a day that I would call my dad and wish him a Happy Veteran's Day. I cried on my way to work that morning.

Here is a great tribute to our military men and women.... and I am proud to be the daughter of a USMC Recon!

A look back on 18 months

So I was thinking... or wondering, why for the last year I had such a hard time being so positive. And tonight, it dawned on me that it's been one heck of a year.

1) I bought my first home on my own. Now, this is great but stressful. Finding the home, waiting for the short sale to go through, finding a renter for the other house, moving into the new house. Budgeting... I am still trying to figure this one out.

I started looking at the end of July 2009.

Found this house in February 2010

Closed in May 2010

Moved in May 2010 (Memorial weekend)

2) The week I was signing papers on the house, I found out my dad had been given 6-12 months to live (that was in January 2010).

3) June 2010 - go to Alaska to see my dad

4) Him- he comes to visit for Labor Day, have a great time together, then he gets distant, work is stressful for him, life is stressful. We grow distant, well he does, I go girl, he goes more distant... not a good situation. Both of us are having a difficult time. My heart is sad.

5) Max dies {my 14 year old Rottie/Queensland Heeler dog}

6) My mom moves into my house the end of September with her crazy yellow lab. She has fractured her knee. I have a new puppy {Lynkin}. She is a great help but we realize 6 weeks later we cannot live together. Mom goes back home but I am thankful she could stay with me and we were able to help one another (me with her knee, her with Lynkin and the house training).

7) I finish my MBA sometime in October 2010. That is it, it's over. I get a 'good job'.

8) November 2010 - back to Alaska to see my dad

9) Washington DC in December 2010 to visit Erika. I need a major vacation and it was just what I needed. He is even more distant, my heart is even more sad. My dad is not able to understand that I am even in DC.

10) Did I mention work has been stressful since April 2010? Yeah that is not a good mix but I still like my job and work with some great people so I am thankful for their support.

11) After March 2011, the budget with the new house is getting better, less stressful. I've come to accept We are done. My dad has a great week.

12) April 2011 - my dad is continuing to stay in his confused frame of mind. He would usually come out of it once a week for at least a day. I would be happy when I caught him on a 'good' day.

13) May 2011 - Things with my dad are not improving. I do not know what to do. Do I go see him or wait. Confused, sad, concerned.

14) June 2011 - Back to Alaska. Things spiral from there. 6 weeks of phone calls to Alaska, trying to find a way to get my dad here. The wife can't take care of him, possibly a nursing home, unsafe for him to be home alone. What to do

15) July 2011 - Well, you can read below

My mom mentioned that I have been through a lot in the last year. That I am strong. I thought why would she say I've been through so much? Then I started thinking and that is what I came up with.

October 21, 2011 -

My mom is healthy and you know, she is my best friend. That makes me happy.

He is back, slowly. So maybe? Maybe we needed a break. Maybe no matter what, he would have tried his best and it would not have been good enough for me. So maybe, that is why. Maybe to prepare my heart for July. I don't know but He is back and that makes me happy.

My dad.... my heart is still empty. I am communicating with a friend of my dad's, he is emailing me stories. {my dad is badass!} The stories put a smile back in my heart. A smile where my dad is. My dad would want me to be happy. To keep him in my heart. I will and I do.

For those of my friends who have dealt with me for the last 18 months, I thank you. It's definitely been a ride and the grieving is not over with but I am going to be ok. My mom says I am strong. My dad told me I am him. My dad was very strong.

truth

found this through pinterest... so very true.

Memorial Service for my dad

On Sept. 24, I had a memorial service for my dad. For me, it was not the traditional, go to the funeral home type service. It was held in my mom's backyard. I rented a 30x30 tent with tables and chairs for 90 people. We had centerpieces and food for after. I spent hours working on a video to share with family and friends. I planned it to be perfect, just for him. I guess in my mind, it represented how much my dad meant to me. It started with me getting up to thank everyone for coming. The problem was, I did not write anything down to say. Every time I went to write, my mind went blank. I had rehearsed over and over what I would say, what I wanted to say, how I would eliminate some things, add something else. There was just so much and I couldn't get it down on paper. Oh, I have sheets of paper all over from my flights to go up there over this year, the flights on my way home, notes or thoughts while I was up there, and obviously this blog as well. So, after I started my thank you's and after the nice neighbor across the street stopped the landscapers (yes, right when I got up to talk, they appeared behind my mom's backyard brick wall to trim the oleander's,). They were nice enough to stop though... so back to the service. I thanked people and left some out (ughh... I knew that would happen, it's IMPORTANT to write things down for situations like this!!!) the Marines entered for the full honor guard.

My entire life, I had imagined this service. When I was little, I would tell my dad that I wanted the flag and even as I got older. I never thought the day would come though, that I'd be accepting a flag in honor of my dad's service to this country. The ceremony was... I don't even think I know the words to describe it. It was somber, beautiful, sad, respectful, amazing. I am so proud of my father, he was an amazing man who accomplished his dreams. He had no fear, he protected his family and loved them with all he had. He was a true friend to so many people. Ones that I can count and go to for advice, because my dad was the man he was. Honor, Courage, Commitment, Integrity, and Respect.

from your daughter

Dad,

Today I just missed you. Today would be one of those days I would have just picked up the phone to call you and talk about my day and yours. I'd ask you what you were watching and if it wasn't a football game, it would be CNN, the Military Channel, or some movie. Whether it be a war movie, your cowboy/China movie, a comedy, or even a lifetime movie. I don't know why today was so hard for me. I have to start another class today. I would have told you that too. I would have told you that finally, over the last few months, work was finally getting better. I would have just been able to hear your voice and tell you that I love you. You would have asked if I was driving and talking to you and I would have lied and told you no because you hated when I would drive and talk to you. I still don't get that because if we were in a car together, we'd be talking so what is the difference? People drive and eat at the same time, not much difference there either. I would have mentioned that and you would still say it doesn't matter, you don't like when I drive and talk on the phone... so that is why I would have told you I wasn't driving. We'd talk about the weather, was there snow yet and I would tell you today it was nice. You'd say it would still be too hot for you here. Eventually, we'd end up wrapping up our conversation and I'd tell you that I love you and you'd say "I love you too, baby". Then we'd hang up. I would be able to call you again another day. And now I can't call you... and dad, it's really, really crappy. I hate it and I miss you so much. I love you with all my heart... forever.

Dreams

So since my dad died, I keep having dreams of people dying or they are going to die. My aunt said the same thing happened to her when each of my grandparents passed away. So far, it's been random people. Nothing that really effects me. Last night, it was about my mom though. That is not cool! So now I'm awake and my emotions are blah, I really hate when a dream does that to you. I never dreamed like this when Paula died, so this is new. I really don't like it because most of the time I don't even remember my dreams. I just wish that my dad would appear in mine. Maybe I'm not ready for that yet though.

I know that I keep writing about my grief; however, there is a purpose to this. I am hoping that others will find this and it may help them through this horrific time. I am hoping that anyone else with a parent who was effected by Agent Orange and who has cirrhosis of the liver, knows that even though the government will not admit that Agent Orange causes cirrhosis, it really does and that he or she is not alone. Just so the world does know... Agent Orange does cause cirrhosis of the liver. Even my dad's doctor mentioned that his cirrhosis was not because of drinking. Now to figure out how to get the government to change their thinking.

an obituary

You know how some days, it just seems like you can pick up the phone and call someone? Even though they are gone and you know this, you still feel like you can. Today, I placed an obituary in the newspaper. That's final. He's gone. I feel numb as I just realized, it wasn't just a nice note about my dad, it was final. He has died and I'm announcing it to the world. I never in a million years, thought losing him would be this hard. I can't just pick up the phone and call. I can't hear his voice. I can't ask him for advice. I can't just say "I Love You". Oh this really sucks.




"Roy Lewis Hoy, 63, passed away on July 24, 2011 in Fairbanks, Alaska surrounded by loved ones. Roy was born in Niagara Falls, New York and at the age of 9, moved to Mesa, Arizona. Roy, a Vietnam Veteran, served proudly with the United States Marine Corps in 5th Force Recon from 1966-1968. Roy moved to Fairbanks, Alaska in 1974 where he worked as a carpenter and millwright and finally retiring as a successful business owner. As a young boy, Roy dreamed of flying across the U.S., which he accomplished. Roy also had a passion for skydiving and a deep love for his family. He was preceded in death by his mother, Viola Lostracco Hoy and father Harry Hoy. He is survived by his only daughter, Jennifer Hoy of Tempe/Mesa, Arizona (and her mother, Anna Cannon Hoy); his wife, GouFeng Ma-Hoy and two stepsons of Fairbanks, Alaska; siblings David (Lynn) Hoy, Marian (Mike) Bailey, Randy (Diane) Hoy, Tammy (Raymond) Blair, and Rosann (Dwayne) Blair, all of Mesa, Arizona; many nephews and nieces; and extended family in Niagara Falls, New York. Roy was loved by his family and will be deeply missed. There will be a private memorial to celebrate and honor the life of Mr. Hoy. The service will be held on Saturday, September 24 at 10 a.m. in Tempe, Arizona. For further details, contact Jennifer at xxxxx"

Happy Birthday to my MOM

My mom is aMaZing!

She's always there when I need her

her love truly is unconditional

Today, she came to my house, for her birthday, because I was having a hard day, hard weekend. She wanted to help take my mind off my dad, and off of 'him'. She wanted to help stop my heart from hurting, if only for a little bit. And she did. She made me laugh and she let me cry.

I wish my mother enough, always and forever.

Happy Birthday Mom!