Happy Father's Day

For so many years I took for granted the times I could pick up the phone to call you. There were probably some years in there that I didn't as much as I should have. As the saying goes "if I'd only known then... what I know now". I would have called every chance I got and even more. I wouldn't have taken time for granted. I would have loved you as much as I do now and as I did at this age. I guarded my heart for many years. But no matter what, you were always in my heart, always my hero, always the man I needed the most. You are my dad! 

There is not a day that goes by that I don't miss you. Happy Father's Day Daddy!!! 

I love you!

Dining Table

Since I moved into my house 2.5 years ago (wow, it's been that long???) I've wanted to get a new table and chairs. I've searched and searched. Last September, I got serious and in November, I found this table and these chairs at Pier 1. I was going to buy the chairs at that time because they were on sale but I wanted to make sure that it was what I wanted. Well... I looked and looked again. Then in February, the chairs were on sale again. I had to make a decision and purchase the chairs by March 2. So on February 28, I went to Pier 1 and I purchased the chairs. I was going to wait until March 3 to get the table... I wanted to see if it was going on sale for the next ad. When I told the sales lady my plan, she looked up the next ad for me and guess what! The table was going to be on sale! Whoo hoo!!! I was able to get the chairs AND the table on sale. I would say I saved at least $200 for everything {plus, I got $60 back from Pier 1 and I'll be spending that soon!}. Here is the {almost} finished product. It's time to switch out the light {I've never been a fan of this one}, find a skinny, long sideboard type table to go along the wall under the table, then add some decor. I super excited for this new piece of furniture that has been added to my home. I can't wait for my first dinner party where we can sit around the table and enjoy each others company!

Random quote

It is never too late to be what you might have been.

~George Eliot

I kinda really like this quote.

Happy Birthday Dad

Today my dad would have been 65 years old. 

I miss him everyday

Happy Birthday dad - I love you more

Love

It's been over a year since I talked to 'him'... him is not my dad, not God... it's him. The person after all those years that I truly trusted, believed in, and loved. To this day, if I say his name or someone else says it. My heart literally stops and my stomach turns over. My body goes numb. All because deep within me, I still love him. I don't want to... I want to not think about him every day, morning and night. He's not the first person I think of when I wake up now, so that is good. However, soon enough he's in my head, my heart. I miss our morning talks, me on the freeway... going into work. Him on an airplane, waiting to take off to go to work. I miss our nightly chats, every night for 3 years. How our days were, where he currently was, how his flights were, how his meetings were, what I was working on for school, how work went. Him buying a 7, me buying a house.
Then one day, just stopped or slowed... him dealing with the pressure of work, me dealing with the fact that my father was dying. Then my dad died... so did I. Nothing he did was good enough, I needed more... at the same time, he was pulling away and chose not to give more. Pushing and pulling until I broke. I screamed, yelled, cried, and said some horrible things. I said I was done.
That was Nov. 29, 2011, his birthday, on my way to see a counselor because I was trying to deal with the loss of my dad, losing him, and the hell of dealing with CW. 1 year and almost 4 months later, it still hurts... it burns. Not as bad as it did then or even 6 months ago. Tonight I sent an email, nothing personal, just a cute forward... thinking maybe... he was past the hurt. The email returned, his email no more. I stared at the screen and tears poured out my eyes. My heart is numb, I am numb, I miss him... I love him... I love him from deep within me. I wonder if I will ever trust or love again. I want to do but it hurts so bad that I don't think I will ever let myself get that close to someone again. Tomorrow I'll wake up and the pain will be a little less again. Maybe one day it won't be there anymore... at all. I doubt it. The ironic part is, I am strong... so why am I so weak when it comes to him. Why do I let him affect me this way. Why do I love him so deeply?
Because I finally opened my heart, truly opened it... because he is amazing, amazing to me. They say it's better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all... I don't know about that saying but what I do know is for years, he pushed me to be a better person, to work harder, and strive for more than I thought I could achieve. Funny thing is, I want to close this with a thank you.. but I my heart won't let me. I want to close this with... maybe someday... but my heart won't let me. The one thing I know is it's time to let go, which I have been working on. It's been working but then tonight, seeing the email was no longer there, it stopped me in my tracks, like a slap in the face. No matter what, he was important to me, no matter if there is a someday or not, he will always be in my heart.

 

Stir-Fry - chicken, zucchini, mushroom, and rice

I was going through my pinterest boards today for a good idea for dinner. There was a recipe for Chicken Cashew but it had to simmer in the crockpot for 3-4 hours. I didn't get in started in time so I decided to do my own thing. I have to say, it's not bad... not at all. 

I went to the store and picked up some chicken - they had it already cut thin and small, perfect for stir-fry. Ok, seriously, I will be buying my chicken like this as much as possible! I  have an extra container for piccata chicken later this week and it will be absolutely no work! Thank you Fresh and Easy for making my dinner nights so much quicker!

I also picked up some zucchini and mushroom. Mushrooms were already sliced so all I had left to do was slice the zucchini - that is simple!

Next, I put the basmati rice on (2 cups water to 1 cup rice). Bring the water to a boil, add rice. Bring back to a boil then simmer for about 45 mins. 

20 minutes prior to the rice being done- heat a pan with sesame oil (I added olive oil too but I think next time I'm just going to do all sesame oil). Toss in the chicken (I seasoned it, while in the pan, with salt, pepper, and garlic salt {next time it will be fresh garlic, I wasn't prepared}). Cook chicken. 

I removed the chicken from the pan then added the zucchini and mushroom. Sauteed until soft. 

This is when it hit me... why not add some of the ingredients of my original recipe. So I grabbed the soy sauce and brown sugar. I just dumped as much as I though necessary in the pan. Then, I remembered some recipes add worcestershire sauce, so I put a little of that in the pan too. All while still cooking the veggies. The sauce was boiling... I was excited. So I tossed the chicken back in to cook for a couple of minutes. 

My rice was done, so I removed it from the heat and set it to the side. Grabbed a bowl and made my dinner. 

It's actually pretty good. A little sweet and a little tang... not bad for a impromptu dinner night! I am hoping it's only better tomorrow for lunch!

Goals for 2013

I have 3 of them.... as they all come about, you'll know what they each are. 

The one I will share is this... I want to go back and I'm ready to go back. So I picked this up to get an itinerary together... I plan and what will be nice about this trip is I know what to expect. 

Time to upload Rosetta Stone to my Mac and imparare l'italiano!

Arrivederci per ora 

(Good-bye for now)

Christmas Tree

Tree is up as well. I had the tree up with just the lights for about 2 weeks. I finally decided I should add the decorations. I kind of thought just having the lights was good enough until I did this... and I loved it that much more!

One of my favorite decorations, an angel I picked up in Venice... made with Murano glass. I love this angel! 

Another one of my favorite ornaments. Dove that I got in Alaska, 2008, at the North Pole... Santa's House. 

Merry Christmas, 2012

Marinara recipe

So this is not my grandma's recipe, my typical sauce that I make. However, it's pretty simple and not bad. I would definitely make this prior to picking up a jar in the grocery store. 

1/2 yellow onion
2 carrots
2 14.5 oz can diced tomatoes (I use Fresh and Easy's diced tomatoes in herb Italian, something like that... very good though)
2 tbs of olive oil
Hand full of basil
Salt and pepper

Sauté onion and carrots In olive oil until tender. Add two cans of of tomatoes with salt and pepper to taste and simmer until reduced (takes about 1.5 hours on low). Chop up basil and add to pot while simmering. Once sauce looks done, use hand blender for creamy texture. Add with pasta and enjoy :)

Tonight I added ground hamburger meat and poured it over Tortellini. 

Christmas lights/decorations

Christmas lights and decorations are out. My lights are a little ghetto because my ladder is not tall enough to reach the peak. At night you cannot tell and the trees cover this part up so it's not too bad. Cracks me up though! Oh well, at least I got lights up! My amazing neighbor and her little boy helped. She actually put the lights up on my house. Her little boy helped with the rest by keeping me company while I set up the decorations.

Missing you

I freaking miss this man!!!!! 

I'll wait for you in my dreams tonight. I miss you so much Dad. When does this get easier?

Veterans day video

"It is, in a way, an odd thing to honor those who died in defense of our country, in defense of us, in wars far away. The imagination plays a trick. We see these soldiers in our mind as old and wise. We see them as something like the Founding Fathers, grave and gray haired. But most of them were boys when they died, and they gave up two lives—the one they were living and the one they would have lived. When they died, they gave up their chance to be husbands and fathers and grandfathers. They gave up their chance to be revered old men. They gave up everything for our country, for us. And all we can do is remember."  Ronald Reagan

Thank you to those who have served and still serve. 

Thank you Dad! I miss you tons. Ultimately, you gave your life for this country. You have always and will always be my hero! xoxox

USMC

Happy 237th Birthday to the 

United States Marine Corps!

Things I am Grateful for

Ok, so my last post... a bit deep so I think I should soften this up with things that I am thankful for.

My mom
    I know I've expressed this before but I am so, so grateful for her!
Lynkin
    I love this dog like no other. He's my forever dog. He's amazing and good and sweet. He pretty chill and cuddles. He likes to sleep on the couch but only when no one is on it. I think God must have known I'd need L in my life and he came right in time.
Family
    my cousins (Ronni and Steph) and my Aunt Rosann. I know I can pick up the phone and rely on one of these 3 to be there for me in a heartbeat. I know the rest of my family is there for me too and I'm grateful for them as well.
My home
     I love my house!
My job
     I can truly say I enjoy my job. There are days when I don't but overall, I'm thankful for my job and that it can provide me the comforts of my home and let L eat on a daily basis.
My health
Life
     This is kind of huge because the last two years have been very hard for me. Still is... but I am thankful for waking up in the morning and the life I have.
Friendship
     I have amazing friends whom I feel I've pushed away over the last two years. My friends are still there, I just need to remember to reach out. I really have true friends and I'm so thankful for them!
My dad
     My mom gets it... my dad was my heart. My mom is as well but my dad is just different. I've spend time reading posts on Facebook from children who grew up without their dad, who had strained relationships with their dads because of the war, and it makes me realize after all these years how amazing my dad was. I took him for granted for so long and I regret that. At the same time, I'm more than forever grateful for my divorce that brought me closer to my dad. That sounds crazy but it's the truth. My dad did his very best and I'm so thankful that God chose him to be my dad. I love him with all my heart. I miss being able to call him and talk with him. So anyone reading this.... do not take your parents for granted because one day you'll want another conversation and you won't be able to get one.

These are things that I am thankful for. I'm also thankful that within me, I have a faith in God. Even if I may be angry, my faith is still there. If I didn't have this faith, I don't think I'd make it in this world.

Faithfulness

Ok so this past week... I have been struggling. Why you ask? Well, one of my friends has a two year old boy. As of two days ago, he'd been in ICU for 21 days. Without going into much detail, they found he had a kidney that had to be removed. They had to find a doctor that would attempt a risky surgery to remove the kidney and they would need to cut off quite a few blood vessels... on a 2 year old! I cannot imagine the worry and fear my friend dealt with. Luckily he made it through the surgery successful and is recovering. Then, my cousin shared on FB that a close friend of hers died from childbirth. The friend had a 3 year old daughter and just gave birth to their second daughter. A few days after the birth she died. These situations really piss me off! It really tests my faith and anymore, I don't know about faith. We can say that all the prayers helped my friends little boy but you can't tell me that there were more prayers for him over the mother. So when people say that prayers work... I have very high doubts. When Paula died it seemed like the entire freaking state of Arizona was praying for her and she had more faith in Him than almost anyone I know. I mean.. who says "I got cancer because I kept asking God to find me a way to stay home with my girls so he gave me cancer and now I get to stay home with them". That is some faith people! So tell me why it's fair that murders and other people who obviously have no concept of a moral or value get to live and children, mothers, fathers, people who are good die so early and are taken from us? I remember struggling with this when Paula was diagnosed with breast cancer. Somehow, I had some type of faith. Let me tell you, back then my faith was strong! I believed that because she had such a strong faith and because so many people were praying for her that she'd be ok. Three years later she died. Yeah, yeah... you can say she got the extra three years and that is true but in reality, she still died and left behind two little girls. My dad... he was a great man but yet because of a service he did for our country years ago, he was taken way to f'ing early. That PISSES me off! And as much pain as I have gone though over the last year, how is someone suppose to fill that emptiness that little 3 year old girl is going to feel when she realizes Mommy is not ever coming home. I want to believe in faith because I DID pray for my friends little boy. I asked my friends to pray for him and I am so thankful that he is ok... so there is some type of faith... deep inside me it is lurking around but on the outside I question it. Go back to church someone will probably tell me... well if I go back to church that won't bring back the mom who left behind her husband and two daughters, it won't bring back Paula, and it sure the hell won't bring back my dad. I read someone's post about the mom who died, that maybe sometime she will understand why her friend was taken so early. Well, 8 years later, I still don't see the reason Paula was taken. I can see every reason she should have been able to stay here and raise her daughters but not one reason she should have died. Is she a greeter in Heaven like we thought would happen? Well good for God because I hope he really needed her... I mean who could need someone's mother more than their own children? Am I bitter, yes. Am I negative, probably. Have I changed over the years, yes... why, because I'm losing my faith. Deep, deep down, I do believe in God and I do pray to Him but on the surface I'm very, very, VERY freaking angry at God and I do not get his plan nor do I really like his plan so far.

I cried today because I miss my dad. I miss my best friend too. Two amazing people who should still be here today. This must be my anger stage of Grief...

grief

"Grief is not a disorder, a disease, or a sign of weakness. It is an emotional, physical, and spiritual necessity; the price you pay for love. The only cure for grief is to grieve". ~ Earl Grollman

"There is no closure. It's like a scare. Later on, it may not be as red as it had been, but it's still there, hurting when you least expect it, because this is what love is all about. Grief is love never ready to say goodbye".  

I grieve.

Full moon weekend

planting for the fall... 

 love this kid.... 

Meeting in my dreams

Last night we met in my dream. I woke up and you were sitting there. It seemed like a hospital room, I was in the hospital bed, you were in the chair. I remember reaching out and touching your hand. Your skin was tan as usual and your skin was soft like it always was. You told me to stay where I was, that everything was fine. You said you'd be leaving soon and not to follow you. Then you left a note behind, that you loved me and not to come up to you. I didn't want you to go, I cried. I woke up and felt peaceful and happy that you visited. I love you so much dad, thank you for visiting me last night in my dream!

Dad feeding his ducks

e-mail from heaven?

Hey pops... I miss you a ton! Can you email from heaven yet?

I love you more!

Truth

Let’s be honest, 

there are some things we’ll never be able to get over.