365 days = 12 months = 1 year

I hate today. I sat here last night and read everything I blogged since 2011. Some of it made me laugh and some of it made me cry {I realized I do need to spell check at times but oh well, I am typing fast and from my heart}. 


What a year. My heart is still sad but not as numb as it was a year ago. I do feel stronger and a bit more like myself. There are days that tears just come to me, out of the blue, and I my heart is full of sadness for missing my dad. I took the day off. I am not really in the mood to talk with anyone and that is fine. I need to cry and I want to cry. I want to miss my dad. I don't want to be strong today and I think that is fine. I'll be strong again tomorrow. You know, this strength thing is a bit overrated at times! 


I don't know if anyone follows my blog or reads my posts and that is ok. I know reading ones grief for a year can be a bit much but I can honestly say that I am so glad that I journaled as much as I did. I see his grin from back in June 2011, I journaled that. Him trying to open the can of peaches {again, journaled} and me telling him to stop pouting. It made me remember and remember happy thoughts. 


An entire year has gone by. I've dealt with his wife this passed year and that has made this grieving process 100 times worse (in my opinion). I journaled before how great things were, yeah when he was alive. Once he passed away, it became hell. Dealing with estate things brought up so many thoughts and has played games with my head and way of thinking. It has been a nightmare I hope no one ever has to endure. I am sure there is worse out there but for me, this was as bad as I think it could have gotten. Ok, there could have been worse but it would have been nice to have all this eliminated. As of today though, things have been compromised and worked out. 


For most of the day, I kept myself busy, going about day to day life. But now it's time to light a candle for my dad, something I do every month on the 24th. Tomorrow I will wake up and the world will go on. Last year I woke up and I was numb and had to keep moving to get things in order. What a difference a year makes. My heart is still empty but I can smile more now. 


Dad, I love you more than words can ever express. I'm so thankful that you got lucky enough to have me for a daughter :)... I was actually the lucky one. I miss you every day and I wish more than anything you were still here. 

my heart

I sure do miss this man!

Photo a Day, June

So I didn't finish out the month for June on my photo a day quest but here is what I ended up with:

June 8 - Six O'Clock ... I had a Silpada Jewelry show at my house on this specific evening. Got some great necklaces out of it!

June 9 - my view today... I had to work {Saturday} so this was my view for the majority of the day. I love my photo of Lynkin that sits on my desk! The little statue is a gift my dad gave me when he went back to Vietnam and my photo from Hawaii. You can also see the cute coloring that Ruby gave me. It makes the day go by fast with lots of trinkets from home around my desk.

 June 10 - best bit of my weekend... I love my pool and there's nothing better than a good book in the sun. This book was ok but not my favorite summer reading. I love Jennifer Weiner though!

June 11 - door (the door to my childhood, teen years, and early adulthood)

June 12 - from a low angle (very first bedroom)

{not my favorite photo but it's the ceiling I stared at as I grew up}

June 13 - Art... I love this photo I took while I was in Venice. I have this blown up on a canvas in my house. It's one of my favorite photos!

June 16 - out and about (I didn't go to far on Sat) ... I ran errands all day on the 15th but out and about was for the 16th so this is what you got!

June 17 - in my bag... Since it's Father's Day, I changed the daily topic.

June 18 - something people don't know about me - I have no clue what to do with bangs!

This was a hard topic but I have to remind myself in the future... NO BANGS. Every two years or so, I cut my bangs because I think I want them. Two months later, I no longer want bangs. They look good for a week but then grew and at that point, I've got nothin'.... ha

So that completes my photo a day for June. Maybe I should start July even though I'd be a week behind. I think in a year or so, I'll be glad I did this! 

For the last few weeks, I have felt like my 'normal' self. I felt alive again and happy/content. There are times that I am happy and then I feel guilty for being happy. Another stage of grief I suppose. I just have to constantly tell myself that my dad would want me to be happy. He doesn't want me constantly sad because he's not here. I remind myself that my dad lived like many didn't. The man flew across the United States, he skydived over and over. He went to war, slept around a tree, and was stepped on by the enemy. So I am thinking that he would not want me to be sad. So I smile and keep going. It feels good but I still have the guilt, even for admitting that it feels good. I miss him every day of my life. I always thought because he lived so far away that this would not be so hard but I was wrong. What I've realized is how much my dad meant to me and how much I leaned on him. He was my rock and even though he's not here, he's still my rock. I can hear him in my head {it would just be nice if I could actually have a voice to voice conversation}. I'd do anything for him to still be alive. I go through so many things I should have done but I have to remind myself that my dad was set in his ways and no matter what, he would not have changed or done things differently. Well, maybe now he would have. I honestly think he would have but that's a different story that I have in my head {and with my mom}.
So now my anxiety sets in for the anniversary day. I don't know what to expect or how I will feel. I know that I have taken the year to not force myself to be or do what others wanted or thought I should do. I was sad and I stayed sad because it's what I needed but I'm better. I just take it one day at a time... I miss you dad!!!

Photo A Day June 2 - 7

June 2 - 7

June 2 - Empty 

I ran out of hair product on June 2 so this was perfect timing. 

June 3 - On My Plate

My mom stayed the night with me on Saturday and Sunday night. We had an amazing 'early' birthday dinner. Steak, baked potato, asparagus, and finally yummy dessert.... Mint Ice Cream Cake :-)

June 4 - Close Up

Bella went home on Monday morning and Lynkin looked so sad! I love this boy!!! 

June 5 - Sign

I cheated and used an old photo that I had from when I went to Italy. Since I didn't take a photo on June 6 (Hat), I can use this for both as well. I never wear hats and forgot to take a picture of just a random hat around my house... 

June 7 - Drink

Vodka with Cherry Drink Mix.... 

makes an amazing summer drink for by the pool!

June - Photo Challenge

So, I am going to try and attempt the Photo a Day Challenge.... for the month of June.

Day 1 - Morning {sitting outside with my laptop and a book. The sun is shining away and it's getting a little warm. Maybe that means my pool will be warmer this afternoon!}

Another good man lost

Dad.... I wanted to pick up the phone and call you tonight to let you know that Chuckie was killed in a car accident. Susie is going to be ok, she has a lot of bruising. I don't know the details, just that it was a head on collision. When mom called to tell me, my heart just sank. Because it was Kiki who called me last September, crying when she had heard you passed away. They came to your service and it was the first time I had seen either of them in so many years. I remember being young and you taking me over to their house. Mom and I got Brutus from Chuckie and you got Burt from him. Papa and Charlie were friends, Uncle Tom and Chuckie are friends.
I'm so thankful that I got to be there with you those last few days. I'm so thankful that I got to hold your hand and sleep with my head on your shoulder. Kiki and Kim didn't get that, Kiki said she hasn't even been able to see him because they took his body to Flagstaff for an autopsy, because he's evidence. I can't imagine. I miss you so much dad.

Here you are with your plane, the one that flew you guys back and forth from Mesa to Palo Verde to work on the power plant. Dad, you are the best dad ever! I love you forever!

Memorial Day

This year, Memorial Day has a new meaning for me, for some reason. It's not a day I want to celebrate, it's a day I want to remember. Remember those who have paid the ultimate sacrifice. It's a day to remember those who have gone to a foreign land, to fight for freedom, never to return home. My dad came home but he lived with the war every day of his life. 40 years later, the war won and I lost my father. I am thankful for the fact that I had so many years with him because there are many who don't have the time that I did. Memorial Day is for those men and woman who are true hero's and for those of us who grieve the loss of our loved ones, for our freedom. 

him

I miss my best friend too....

In memory of my dad... tattoo

I've been thinking and thinking what tattoo I would get in memory of my dad. An American flag. A quote. Some mentioned dog tags with his name. There was even mention of combat boots, his dog tags, the American flag, and a slight view of a Vietnam flat- whoa.... I wanted small and HELL no am I putting anything Asian on my body. So I kept thinking... and my option was going to be a quote on my foot but I just didn't know what to put. Ok, the obvious was "Roy Hoy the Good Boy" (before you think what the heck, let me explain). My dad always said "Roy Hoy the Good Boy". When I was younger, like 6 or so, he actually had a t-shirt made with that saying. So let me say this now, there is no way I'd put that on my body. The saying makes me laugh but it's not something I would want on me for the rest of my life. So we are now back to the idea of the American flag, I love America, my dad was a Recon Marine, so why not... but maybe a flower, well not a rose and possibly a heart but I just don't like that idea for a tattoo. Then, I was talking with a friend, she said I need something that symbolizes not just the military side of my dad but the fact that my dad lived his life to the fullest. He had no fear, he accomplished his dreams, and he had no regrets. That is when it hit me... the drawing. The drawing that I saw just months after he died. The drawing that was on a letter addressed to my mom after my parents split up. The letter that told my mom how much he loved me. How he prayed to God, something he had stopped doing but now was doing again... he prayed to God that nothing bad would happen to me. He told my mom how on the day I was born, the reason he went for a jump (skydiving) was to celebrate my birth. That he understood she was not happy about it but he just had to do it. The same letter that told my mom how he would be there for her and for me. Where he signed his name, he doodled this drawing. A drawing I grew up  knowing as my dad's little symbol. A drawing, that as I mentioned, I had not seen for years until I found the letter my mom had saved all those years ago. A letter she didn't even remember she had.  A letter that means the world to me. So I took the drawing, the exact one from the letter, and the tattoo artist drew it on the back of my neck. I can hear my dad now... not too happy that I got a tattoo but I would hope he would be proud of my choice. It will be with me forever and a constant reminder that my dad has always and always will have 'my back'. So dad, this one is for you... I love you!

Dad singing

I wish I would have kept the video going... but I love watching this because he makes me smile!

Flowers and Herbs

Flowers and herbs... planted 2 weeks ago. 

Lynkin and the pool

So for whatever reason, Lynkin is terrified of the pool. When he was a puppy, I would sit on the first step and put him on my lap, hoping to ease him into the water. All he wanted was to get out of the pool. When he turned a year and the water was warm again, I tried putting him back in the pool, slowly. Yep, I had a 60 pound dog sitting on my lap and wanting as far away as he could get from this big blue hole with something in it that he was only used to drinking... aka water.

For the last 5 weeks, my mom has been staying at my house and her dog LOVES to swim in the pool. My mom has been putting both dogs in the fenced in area of the pool. Lynkin has actually been running around the pool and the dogs have played. I might add that last summer if I went near the pool, Lynkin went right back in the house!

I was getting excited, thinking that even if he doesn't want to swim, at least he won't run back in the house when I go near the pool. That's a huge plus!

Well, yesterday...... my mom was sitting by the pool, her small dog fell in the pool, she grabbed him and pulled him out. In the meantime, Lynkin and Bella (her lab), were running around the pool, playing. The next thing my mom knew, Lynkin had fallen in the pool! My poor mom, on crutches, had to get up and crutch her way to the end of the pool. Lynkin was holding on to the edge with his front paws. She grabbed onto him and pulled him out. Now Lynk will not go near the pool nor will he go outside when she is by the pool. This means we start all over again.

What this also means is not only watch your children around your pool but your dogs too! My mom said she turned her head for about 2 seconds and Lynkin was in the pool. That's also how long it takes for a child to fall in the pool. Luckily Lynkin (the brilliant dog he is) knew to grab on to the side of the pool! He's safe, my mom's little dog is safe, and I just have to work on helping Lynkin know the pool is not his enemy.

Watch your CHILDREN and your DOGS by the pool!!!!

A daughter’s love for her Dad is forever

I came across a Christmas card that I had bought for my dad but never mailed. Gave it to a friend so she could give it to her dad. (see below what the card said)

It seems that after 8 months, it's getting harder and harder. My heart hurt in the beginning, more like it just died with him. Then, I started to feel better, a bit more like myself. Since the end of February, I feel ... I don't know like I'm a walking emotional person who misses my dad more than anything. Maybe it's because it's more real now. Maybe it's because my mom has been living at my house for the last month, it just seems like I tear up over anything... 

seeing Erika with her dad

talking with Nat about her dad

seeing a young child with her dad

listening to a co-worker tell me about his conversation with his dad

listening to a song on the radio (or Helen Reddy over and over)

I know I am ok and I know in time it will get a little easier but for now, I will just keep up with the roller coaster knowing that my dad is always in my heart. 

A daughter’s love for her Dad is forever

A dad is his daughter’s first hero,

The man she admires from the start,

And whether she’s small or completely grown up,

He has a warm place in her heart.

{card I bought for my dad a couple years ago}

{one of my favorite photos from his service. I love how my cousin captured his baby picture in the background of the photo of him and I}

Estate Planning and Will

Ok so everyone needs to listen and listen very carefully....

Death and what we will leave behind is not something that most people really want to talk about. Unfortunately, we are all going to experience it at some point and trust me, it's horrible.

When Paula died, I talked with both of my parents about things, leaving a will, being an organ donor, various conversations but I never did anything. I didn't make a will, neither one of my parents made wills, I have yet to register as an organ donor... ridiculous, right? Probably but I think so many of us talk about it but do we actually follow through?

Well, after the last 7 months of hell, I cannot express the importance of getting things in order. Fighting, arguing, and I'm thinking wars could break out over not having a will. Seriously, even though my dad had most stuff in a trust, it's insane. When my dad completed this, he wasn't in his 'normal' frame of mind; however, the lawyer and doctor's said he was (uhmmm a month before he filled out his will, he was talking about flying his plane that I might add he had not had since the 80's and then he mentioned he'd just steal a plane to fly). My dad's mind frame had not been right since April of 2008 but what do I know, I'm only his daughter. Apparently everyone else was much more aware of my father's frame of mind! So now, I deal with (sorry, cover your eyes) but basically bullshit that is more frustrating than I can handle. Honestly, I just want to grieve the death of my dad. I don't want to be bitter, angry, or hate the world but when I have to deal with stupidity, how can I heal? I can't. Every day can be a constant reminder of my dad moving over 2000 miles from me. A reminder of my dad going to make this better life for himself and to provide better for me as well all for what? For someone else to control everything? F-ing ridiculous is what I say. So I am telling you now, for your children and family members sanity, go out and get your estate in order. Have everything spelled out. Talk with your kids or parents or whoever is being left with things. Let them know.... COMMUNICATE.

I have talked with my mom over and over how we need to do this and guess what, we put it off. My mom has property with my uncle and God forbid anything happen to her (because seriously, my life will end) but I don't want to have to fight with him because things were not spelled out and I am at a loss. When I have to go through this hell again, I want to be able to grieve and not worry about stupid things that should not matter but do (I mean, my taxes are me and having an idiot be a part of what I will have to file, someone who honestly, probably got her degree from no man's University or bel ford university for that matter)... that affects me and I could end up getting screwed if she is really as dumb as she seems to be. Lord seriously help me! Luckily I have a knowledgable accountant who is willing to call her and talk with her.

So today, I called a lawyer to make an appointment for both my mom and I to complete a will and have our estate's in order. That way, if and when something happens, we have everything taken care of. There will be no surprises. My mom and I communicate and I cannot tell you how important this is to do. My dad and I had talked about things but as his illness progressed, he just didn't care anymore. He didn't want to deal with things because he just wanted to be happy and not have a care in the world. I can't blame him but at the same time... grrrr! He thought it would all be fine but it's not. It's been an absolute nightmare and emotions come up that I can't deal with anymore.

So please, if there is anything you get out of this, it's not my nightmare or to feel sorry for me because I will be fine...  but please, learn from it. Talk with your parents, make sure that their estate is in order, that you are aware of what will happen. Make sure that your children are protected. You live your life for your children, you sacrifice for you children so don't let the government or someone else take all YOUR hard work from your children. Protect them!

Dad,

I just wanted you to know that I love you and I miss you so much!

Love,
your daughter

Sage and Balsamic Pork, Mashed Potatoes, and Biscuits with Parmesan and Butter

Dinner for the night: 

Sage and Balsamic Pork

Mashed Potatoes

Biscuits with Parmesan & Butter

Sage and Balsamic Pork or Chicken

1 lb. of boneless pork rib, loins or 3 boneless chicken breasts

4 thin slices of prosciutto (sliced)

½ onion (sliced)

1-2 garlic cloves (minced)

6-10 sage leaves

1 bay leave

1/2 cup of balsamic vinegar 

1 cup of chicken stock

1 can of diced tomatoes (Italian blend)

1-2 tablespoons of butter

Salt and pepper to taste

In a crock pot add all ingredients set low for 8-10 or high for 4-6 hours. Add more salt and pepper to taste once cooked. Serve with mashed potatoes or rice.

Biscuits with Parmesan & Butter

3 tablespoons Butter, melted

1 teaspoon garlic powder

1/2 teaspoon dried parsley

1 teaspoon onion powder

1 tablespoon grated parmesan cheese

1/3 cup shredded mozzarella cheese

1 can of biscuits

Preheat oven to 425. Melt butter and add garlic, parsley, onion, and parmesan. Put in a 9" baking ban. Sprinkle cheese on top of melted butter mixture. Layer biscuits so they lay tightly together. Bake for 12 minutes and let set for 3 minutes. Turn baking pan upside down on a serving dish. 

Surgery

About 3 weeks ago, my mom fell. She had a hard time walking and thought she pulled a muscle. Knowing she would need a doctor's note for work, she headed to her family physician a couple days after the fall. He took an x-ray and nothing. The following week, she decided to go to her orthopedic surgeon and sure enough, he diagnosed her right away with a fractured hip. After the MRI confirmed the fracture, she was scheduled to have surgery. The doctor is putting three screws in her hip to hold everything together so she can heal. So here I am, sitting in a waiting room, waiting for my mom to come out of surgery. I know I blog a lot about my dad and not so much my mom. My mom doesn't read my blog and my dad used to read it. That's not a good reason not to post on here how incredible my mom is though.

My mom is my solid rock. We can fight, well, she drives me crazy and I drive her nuts with my 'attitudes' but no matter what, we have an unconditional love that I hope every mother and child has. My mom has always, always been there for me. When I'm sick, she's on the phone listening to me whine. Volunteering to bring me whatever it is I need. Even picking me up to bring her to her house because I can't get out of bed. When I go out of town, she watches my dog(s). Now, I know she doesn't mind watching Lynkin but Max... oh Max. She didn't like Max very much but she still watched him for me. She'll make me dinner on her birthday. She deals with my screaming and crying when I'm so, so frustrated. When I was little, she would put a cold washcloth on my head when I was sick and force me to drink hot totties (not until I was older though). She taught me to drive, she taught me everything. It's always been my mom and I. She sacrificed more than I probably will ever know, just for me. I have hurt her feelings, she has hurt mine but we still love each other, no matter what. I would do anything in this world for my mom and I know she would do anything for me too. I think that it's just too hard to express how much she means to me.

So as I sit here waiting for her surgery to be over, I just want the world to know how much I appreciate and love my mom.

Oh and no worries about the surgery. I let her doctor know that this is my only mother, my only parent still living and that he needs to make sure he's on his A-game when he goes into surgery with her. I double checked this morning that he had a good nights sleep, he said yes! When we first met this doctor, he did not have much personality but over the last 18 months since our first visit with him, he's coming around and even smiles and jokes now. I feel confident with him taking care of my mom. That's always a good thing!

I love you MOM!!! You are the most amazingly, loving, strong woman I know! It's you and me, against the world!

Call your parents, today

Today I was just thinking how nice it would be to be able to pick up the phone and call my dad, for no reason, just to say hi. 

It seems like lately, I talk to my mom almost every day now. Which is a good thing. 
For those of you who may take something as simple as a hello or I love you to your parents for granted, I highly advise you pick up the phone and call them to say you love them. One day you won't be able to and let me tell you... IT SUCKS!!!!

Happy Birthday Dad!!!!

My Dad and Great Grandma Lostracco
1949