RANDOM MOMENTS

2012-02-17T17:46:00.003-07:00

Happy Birthday Dad!!!!

My Dad and Great Grandma Lostracco
1949

Yo Pops

2012-02-07T21:54:00.000-07:00

Uhmmm... it would be nice if you'd come chill with me in my dream tonight. Then we could talk.

My 3 reasons I would like this:
1) I miss you sooooo much!
2) Because you love me... duh
3) Because I love you all the way from earth!

Thanks Daddy!

you're daughter :)

One week home, doctor's orders

2012-02-01T22:45:00.000-07:00

So this week, I woke up on Sunday not feeling well. Sore throat, ear was bugging me, the normal 'cold' or sinus symptoms. Figured I'd be ok the next morning because there are days I don't feel great but it usually passes. Those days relate to allergies. Why do I get allergies now in Arizona? When my dad was 9, the whole family picked up and moved from Niagara Falls because he had horrible allergies. People moved HERE because allergies were not bad. Now, I get allergies! I'm from here! Does anyone else out there agree that this is completely annoying? My mother claims it's because so many people have moved here and brought their plants and flowers with them. I despise allergies!

this is how we roll when I am home sick for a week!

So, I wake up on Monday morning and there is no way I'm going to work. I still don't feel well. Then I open my mouth to talk. Talk to whom you may wonder but that is beside the point. I knew my throat hurt so I needed to find out quickly if my voice was still there. It was but barely. It was like it was hanging on for it's last life line. I called in sick and went back to sleep until 11 am. Crazy, right? I guess my body needed that. Monday night, not feeling much better. Ear is bugging me, throat still hurts, glands are swollen, and now I have a headache. No fever so that is good. I'm up and down all night. Call in the next morning again. Apparently my co-workers know something is seriously wrong because... I'm never gone. They are right. I do not feel good! ugh-
Wednesday morning, I wake up with another headache and ear ache. Voice is a little better but not much. I struggle whether I should go in or not. I really need to be at work but I also need to rest my voice so I can talk. I call in again and decide I'm going to the doctor today. So, I make an appointment and at 11:30 I'm face to face with the absolute BEST doctor in the world! He's seriously amazing and so, so sweet. I love that I can also pretty much self diagnose myself. I think over the last few years I've only been wrong once on my self diagnosis. He says I have the crap going around and I tell him I think it's an ear infection and a sinus infection (at that point he only knew I didn't have a voice so that is why he wasn't aware of the ear and sinus stuff). Checked my ear, yep... middle ear infection. Checked all my sinus stuff (that so grosses me out) and yep, sinuses. Apparently, taking allergy medication is good but it also dries everything up. So when you have sinus issues like I do now (again... what the blessed hell!?), drying everything up is not very good. So next year, I need to take allergy medication and Mucinex! So I leave with an antibiotic prescription, a note excusing me from work for the entire week, and instructions for 'No Talking!".

My mom's recipe for a Hot Tottie

So tonight, I tried a couple of remedies to cure this laryngitis that I have. First, my mom told me to boil bean sprouts, then drink the water. It wasn't bad, drank a whole cup full of that stuff. Then, I went for the hot tot tie that my mother ALWAYS makes me drink and even my doctor told me to try one and suggest putting brandy in it too. I love my doctor but I don't like brandy and my mom always uses whiskey, which I don't like either. So my version would either be vodka OR when looking in my cupboard, I found Malibu Rum. I tried it and it was delicious, except I put too much lemon in the drink!

Hopefully tomorrow or at least by Friday, my voice will be back and going to the grocery store won't seem so exhausting!

4th generation

2012-01-27T22:16:00.002-07:00

Today, I had the pleasure of spending the day with my mom. We started out having lunch with my great aunt, her granddaughter (which is obviously my second cousin), and her great grandson (adorable 5 month old, Paul). Aunt Nona is 93 years old and I love listening to her stories from years ago. So first, my great grandmother actually graduated from Tempe High. I'm not sure when but I will say, my grandpa was born in 1921 and he had and older sister (Aunt Nona) and older brother (Uncle Freddy). Then, my grandpa, otherwise known as Papa or Buster, graduated from Tempe High and my mom as well. I actually graduated from McClintock because I was in the boundaries for McClintock. My great grandma actually sold property to ASU. I think my favorite story today from Aunt Nona was when she said she'd been driving since she was 16 years old (she's now 93) and has only been in one accident, which was the other person's (he was drunk) fault. She still drives, not much but she does. She just renewed her driver's license last year and it doesn't expire for 5 years (that's entirely different story... can you imagine!).
Well, after lunch, it was time to move my grandma into a new group home. I haven't talked about my grandma before (my mom's mom) but she has dementia and moved to a group home last September or October. It's better because she really needs someone with her 24/7. When I was younger, I wasn't very close to my grandma (my other grandma yes and papa was by far the grandparent I was closest to) but grandma, I just wasn't close to her (again, another story). Over the last couple of years though, I've helped my mom take care of my grandma and my grandma is like a totally different person now. She's nice and sweet and I just love her to death. So today, when I showed up at her new home, my uncle, aunt, and mom were moving her into her new room. My grandma just seemed a bit 'lost' and you could tell she didn't know what to do. She was aware this was her new 'home' but in reality, she just wants to go back 'home'. We tell her she cannot and that this is better for her. I truly believe that. My mom goes to the home about 5 times a week to see my grandma and hopefully when my mom retire's, she can move my grandma into her house.
Anyways, when I got to the house, I told my grandma to come sit down with me. That way she wasn't wandering and following everyone. I told her how excited I was for her to be in a new home with a lot more people. I asked if she had met any of them (there were about 5 women out in the living room watching tv). My grandma said yes and she told me "they're old". I laughed and said "well grandma, you are old too". She laughed and I asked if she knew how old she was, she told me "I'm 60". I really laughed because my grandma is 90, almost 91 (in May).
My grandma makes me laugh now and I love spending time with her. It doesn't bother me she'll ask questions over and over. I love how she sees a building, such as the BOA building at Southern and Alma School, and tells me how big the building is. Or how she tells you how pretty the red car is! I love that she knows who I am but cannot remember my name. I'm glad that I've spent this time with her and been there to help my mom. Maybe just the last couple of years, I've realized how important my family is. My mom, my dad, my grandma (the only living grandparent I have).
Oh- and I'm kinda proud to be 4th generation that grew up in Tempe.

6 months

2012-01-24T21:12:00.001-07:00

6 months ago, I was in the hospital in Fairbanks. I had landed almost 72 hours earlier and went straight from the airport to the hospital. I didn't leave until... until my dad was gone. 6 months ago, I was probably sitting next to his bed at this time. Wanting things to change. Wanting my dad to be ok but knowing that it was time. 6 months ago, I made phone calls to his brothers and sisters so I could put the phone next to his ear and they could say good-bye. 6 months ago, I laid next to my dad in his hospital bed, holding his hand, my head on his shoulder, and I slept. I felt comfort next to him, I felt safe and content. 6 months ago, I told my dad I would be ok. That he could go, he could go with mom and his dad now. 6 months ago, I told my dad how much I loved him. How much he meant to me. How much I appreciated everything he had ever done for me. 6 months ago, I let go of any pain or hurt I had and I forgave him for things that he never understood. 6 months ago, I sat in a hospital room, making plans for my dad after he passed away. What funeral home, signing papers, helping nurses when they moved him so he wouldn't get bed sores. 6 months ago, I was at my dad's feet, helping the nurses, when I saw her face, the nurses face. Then I saw her lips move and I heard her whisper to the other nurse... he's not breathing. 6 months ago, I looked at the nurse and I knew, I knew my dad had let go. 6 months ago, I ran next to his side, I hugged him, I cried, I told him I loved him, and I said good-bye to my dad's body. 6 months ago I called my mom at 11:30 at night and told her how much I loved her. 6 months ago, a part of me died.

This song, I Won't Let Go, by Rascal Flatts, makes me think of my dad. It makes me remember how much I wanted to fix him and make him feel better. It makes me realize how life changes. When I was born, he wanted to protect me and keep me safe. In his final days, I wanted to protect him and keep him safe.

It’s like a storm
That cuts a path
It breaks your will
It feels like that
You think you're lost
But you're not lost
On your own
You're not alone

I will stand by you
I will help you through
When you’ve done all you can do
And you can’t cope
I will dry your eyes
I will fight your fight
I will hold you tight
And I won't let go

It hurts my heart
To see you cry
I know it’s dark
This part of life
Oh, it finds us all
But we’re too small
To stop the rain
Oh, but when it rains

I will stand by you
I will help you through
When you’ve done all you can do
And you can’t cope
I will dry your eyes
I will fight your fight
I will hold you tight
And I won't let you fall

Don’t be afraid to fall
I’m right here to catch you
I won't let you down
It won't get you down
You're gonna make it
Yeah, I know you can make it

Cause I will stand by you
I will help you through
When you’ve done all you can do
And you can’t cope
And I will dry your eyes
I will fight your fight
I will hold you tight
And I won't let go

Oh I’m gonna hold you
And I won't let go
Won't let you go
No, I won't

Reminder

2012-01-10T22:17:00.002-07:00

He had Hepatic encephalopathy.
My mom reminded me tonight.

Symptoms many begin slowly and gradually worsen, or they may begin suddenly and be severe from the start.

Symptoms may be mild at first. Family members or caregivers may notice that the patient has:

Breath with a musty or sweet odor - not sure about this one
Change in sleep patterns - totally... but thought it was due to his PTSD. He started sleeping during the day and was awake at night, effecting going into work prior to his retirement.
Changes in thinking - yep
Confusion that is mild - yep
Forgetfulness - he disagreed but he did
Mental fogginess - can you say discombobulated??? Definitely
Personality or mood changes - Totally noticed changes beginning in April 2008
Poor concentration - Yes
Poor judgment - In my opinion, definitely!
Worsening of handwriting or loss of other small hand movements - Handwriting, yes. Small hand movements, I'm not sure about that one

More severe symptoms may include:

Abnormal movements or shaking of hands or arms - in the end, yes
Agitation, excitement, or seizures (occur rarely) - oh yes
Disorientation - see discombobulated
Drowsiness or confusion - sleeping for 4 days in a row would be yes on drowsiness and confusion would be equivalent to using a fork to open a can of peaches, I'd say yes.
Inappropriate behavior or severe personality changes - I saw things that didn't seem like my dad and in 2008, there were some personality changes that I'd say were equal to the personality changes.
Slurred speech - yep
Slowed or sluggish movement - definitely at the end.
Read here for more information on Hepatic Encephalopathy

So this explains some of his decisions. Decisions I am dealing with now and decisions that still make me wonder if I was good enough for him. Did I let him down? I hate having these thoughts, thoughts I've always had but I know in my heart that he did love me. He was proud of me. I did not let him down. The decisions made were only done because he thought he was doing the right thing. He had hepatic encephalopathy. He just didn't want to deal with it all. Hell, I don't want to deal with it now either but I will and I will not back down.

So dad, if you are listening, please keep giving me strength because I know if this situation was a little different and it was in regard to mom, you'd tell me to not back down. To look out for me. That blood is thicker than water and your family is who will be there in the end.

Life is definitely not fair but seriously world, when someone's down... can ya stop kicking? Thanks!

Goodbye 2011

2011-12-31T11:39:00.003-07:00

So 2011, I'd have to say was the worst year of my entire life. For those of you who know me, you know why and unfortunately, there was more than just my dad passing away. THAT was the worst though and gave me strength for other things I needed to do.

To find things that I am thankful for this past year, the first one would be my mom. I wouldn't have made it through this year without her. She's my rock. My aunt Rosann too. When I was younger we were close and into my adult years, we grew apart. Over the last couple of years though, she's become one of my best friends and was there every step of the way for me. She has been the other rock that I couldn't have made it through without either.

My dad's friends... especially P & Mac. First P, who flew to Alaska for the last few days of my dad's life. Their friendship has always been something I admire and having P there helped me know that the decisions I made were the right ones. P is such an amazing man and has been there for me more than this. The relationship between these two men could be next to the definition of 'Semper Fi'. Next, Mac, who I didn't realize was such a great friend to my dad, appeared because I needed some advice. I found out their relationship was more than business, it was a true friendship. Mac shared stories with me about my dad. It was unexpected but just what I needed to help find peace in my heart.

I am also thankful for my friends, family, and the amazing pup, Lynkin. In 2010, work started to struggle and continued into 2011 but thankfully, it has turned around and I'm back to my comfortable level when it comes to my job.

Lastly, I am so thankful for my dad.

Just a little brownie with a twist

2011-12-18T15:54:00.000-07:00

If you haven't check out Pinterest, you should because it's the best way to 'bookmark' your favorite things. I've always used 'my favorites' to bookmark website but what I love about Pinterest is it actually bookmarks the exact recipe, photo, diy, and even the exact link to specific items that you would eventually like to purchase (like this).

So, I came across this recipe... something about chocolate chip cookie dough, oreo's, and brownies. Uhmmm... is this not everyone's 3 combinations??? Well, ok, almost everyone... but still, someone called these slutty brownies. I like that name but I called them a little bit of Heaven. You can call them whatever you'd like!

Here is what you'll need:
1 package of chocolate chip cookie mix (you can also use the cookie dough in the tub, tube, or make your own)
1 package of oreo's (I tried it with normal oreo's and what's nice about this is you'll have some left over. Then, I tried it with double stuffed. You won't have any left over but it will taste better in the recipe)
1 box of brownie mix (follow the instructions on the box)

Now... I am going to give you an amazing tip: use parchment paper to line your pan because it will be so, so, so easy for you to get the 'brownies' out of the pan. Plus, there is less mess... now that in itself could be a little like a heavenly tip!

Here is what you do:
Mix your cookie dough and spread it in the bottom of a 9"x13" baking pan (I use my Pampered Chef baking stone and parchment paper)

Layer the Oreo cookies on top of the cookie dough

Mix the brownie mix and pour on top of the cookie dough and Oreo's.

Bake at 350f for 30 mins

I began to think of some other ideas you could do with this recipe and one thing came to mind... Nutter Butters! You could use chocolate chip cookie dough, peanut butter cookie dough, and even sugar cookie dough... You could also use (as mentioned) Nutter Butters, any variety of the Oreo's, and you know those so good lemon creme sandwich cookies? Yeah... you could use those! I haven't come up with too many ideas for a replacement with the brownie mix but I pretty much think most things will taste good with the brownie mix on top or even try a blondie brownie mix for the top.

Enjoy!

In memory of my dad, I love you!

2011-12-10T00:15:00.000-07:00

Grey's Anatomy, Grief

2011-12-09T12:58:00.001-07:00

I was watching Grey's... George died and Lizzy said "When it hurts so much you can't breathe, that's how you survive" - I googled it and came across this entire quote from the episode.

Grief may be a thing we all have in common, but it looks different on everyone. It isn’t just death we have to grieve. It’s life. It’s loss. It’s change. And when we wonder why it has to suck so much sometimes, has to hurt so bad. The thing we gotta try to remember is that it can turn on a dime. That’s how you stay alive. When it hurts so much you can’t breathe, that’s how you survive. By remembering that one day, somehow, impossibly, you won’t feel this way. It won’t hurt this much. Grief comes in its own time for everyone, in its own way. So the best we can do, the best anyone can do, is try for honesty. The really crappy thing, the very worst part of grief is that you can’t control it. The best we can do is try to let ourselves feel it when it comes. And let it go when we can. The very worst part is that the minute you think you’re past it, it starts all over again. And always, every time, it takes your breath away. There are five stages of grief. They look different on all of us, but there are always five. Denial. Anger. Bargaining. Depression. Acceptance.
~Grey's Anatomy

Dear Dad

2011-12-05T17:49:00.000-07:00

I just wanted to say thank you for your strength. I've needed it and I know that it's because of you that I've been able to be so strong. I love you always and forever and I miss you so much!

{wonder when they'll get email in Heaven}

Video

2011-12-03T23:35:00.001-07:00

If I sent you an email to come here to view the video of my dad, I was unaware it would ask you to log into Facebook. I will keep trying to ensure you all get to see it!

2011-12-03T21:20:00.000-07:00

I made this video in memory of my dad. I love him more than anything and I miss him every day. I never realized how much the loss of my dad would impact me. There is no way anyone can relate to losing a parent until he or she does. The emptiness that you feel is something I think can never be filled. At the end of the video, you'll see a drawing of a guy parachuting. Prior to the service for my dad, my mom and I were going through some things she had at her house. We found a letter that my dad had written to her after their divorce. At the end of the letter, I saw that little parachute guy. A drawing I remember so well but had not seen in a very long time. My heart aches for my dad but I'm so lucky that I have so many memories of my dad and that my dad always shared stories with me so I can keep his memory alive.

I love you dad, forever!

Interpreting a Dream

2011-11-28T15:01:00.001-07:00

So last night I had this random dream. I dreamt that I had been shot in the back (strange I know). What is even weirder is in my dream, I was thinking to myself "this is what it feels like to die". I also remember thinking I was going to die... I even remember feelin the moment I 'died'. The next thing I remember was my mom crying and begging me not to die (REMEMBER, THIS WAS JUST A DREAM). I saw her asking me to come back but I remember thinking, my dad is here and I can be with him. That is when I woke up. I don't remember my dreams very much. So when I have a dream like this, I try to analyze it. So my analogy of this dream is that I miss my dad and I just want to spend another day with him. The last week was emotional. It was my first Thanksgiving without him. Even though I spent Thanksgiving in Arizona and the only T-day that I spent with my dad was last year. I flew up for the week and made Thanksgiving dinner (simplified version than what I am use to). He made me make a ham, we didn't have turkey. That makes me laugh some. I think I even made mashed potatoes and gravy too... I had to still call my mom for help! So back to my dream... Totally random and completely freaky... I know.

Honey Chicken Enchilada's

2011-11-20T21:46:00.001-07:00

So a friend of mine mentioned this recipe "Honey Lime Chicken Enchiladas"... they sounded sensational... so I asked for the recipe. You can decide for yourself and all I have to say is they are a combination of yummy, amazing, divine, delicious, the list can go on. Seriously, who would have thunk something this simple could be that great!? You can bring some to work to share with your cube-mate if you'd like... I do. You can invite family over or bring some to your mom, just because you're nice that way. Try them... I dare you!

1/3 cup honey

1/4 cup lime juice

1 Tablespoon chili powder

1/2 teaspoon garlic powder

1 pound chicken, cooked and shredded (or pick up a rotisserie chicken from the grocery store ... don't add the skin though)
8-10 flour tortillas, (I use the soft taco tortillas because they fit perfectly in the pan)

1 pound monterey jack cheese, shredded

2 cups green enchilada sauce (or be like me and pick up the 'big' can of green enchilada sauce)

1/2 cup heavy cream

Preheat oven to 350 degrees.

Mix the honey, lime juice, chili powder, and garlic powder together and toss with the shredded chicken. Let it marinate for at least 1/2 hour in the refrigerator. (actually, I shred the chicken first, then add everything else)

Spray a 9X13 pan with cooking spray (or use your Pampered Chef baking stone, no spray needed). Pour enough enchilada sauce on the bottom of the pan to create a thin layer on the bottom. Fill flour tortillas with chicken and a generous amount of shredded cheese, saving about 1 cup of cheese to sprinkle on top of enchiladas.
Mix the remaining enchilada sauce with the cream and leftover chicken marinade (yes, use the same bowl). Pour sauce on top of the enchiladas and top with reserved cheese.

Bake at 350 degrees for 30 minutes until brown and crispy on top (I bake it for 50 - 60 mins, much better).

Enjoy!

Peanut Butter Cups

2011-11-20T17:20:00.006-07:00

Years ago, like when I was in high school, I had come across a recipe for peanut butter cups. They were AmaZing... peanut butter, butter, powdered sugar, and vanilla mixed together and put in the bottom of a 9x9 baking dish then poured melted milk chocolate chips on top.

Placed in the refrigerator... delish!

Well, I came across a recipe about a month ago that brought back that mouth watering treat that I had long forgotten about. These had a twist though, someone mixed rice krispies into the peanut butter... yes, just went you thought chocolate and peanut butter couldn't get any better!

Here's the recipe...

Ingredients:

1 1/4 cups smooth peanut butter

1/4 cup butter, room temperature

1 teaspoon vanilla extract

1 cup powdered sugar

1 1/2 cups Rice Krispies cereal

1 3/4 cups milk chocolate chocolate chips

(I suppose you could use semi-sweet if your heart desires, mine does not)

You could do this a couple of ways:

1) You could use a 9x9 or 9x13 baking pan and put the peanut butter mixture on the bottom (see below), then melt the chocolate chips and poor on top. This is hard to cut into 'bars' though (now that I'm remembering... so I'd go to the next idea of how to serve)

2) Use a mini-muffin pan (I am still not sure where my mini muffin pans are and since I was taking these to work, I used one of those 9 x 13, throw away foil pans with a lid you can pick up at the grocery store... I put mini muffin liners in the pan {see below} If I was using a muffin pan, I'd still use liners because I don't want anything too messy, so go with liners... by the way I found the cutest (Christmas) mini muffin liners at Macy's I need to go back if I plan to make these for Christmas).

Pre-heat the oven to 350. Place chocolate chips in each liner and bake for 5 mins. Press the chocolate chips to smooth out the top, use a spoon to do this. (I put mine in for a few extra

minutes because I was hoping they would have melted more... I don't recommend doing that). You could also melt the chocolate then pour it into each muffin cup, I'm actually going to try it this way next time... maybe a little at a time so it does not harden before I get to the end.

Now for the Peanut Butter Mixture:

Mix the butter and peanut butter. Mix in the vanilla, then the powdered sugar. Now, mix in the rice krispies cereal. Place on top of the chocolate and refrigerate.

It's really that simple and you can even make these while making dinner (in a crock pot) and doing homework... all because you promised co-workers you'd bring in a treat for the next day. I don't recommend making those types of promises when you have a final and paper due all in the same weekend... just saying.

Enjoy!

Veteran's Day

2011-11-20T10:56:00.000-07:00

I started to blog on Veteran's day, because that is what I usually do. This year though, the day was hard. It's a day that I would call my dad and wish him a Happy Veteran's Day. I cried on my way to work that morning.

Here is a great tribute to our military men and women.... and I am proud to be the daughter of a USMC Recon!

A look back on 18 months

2011-10-21T23:35:00.005-07:00

So I was thinking... or wondering, why for the last year I had such a hard time being so positive. And tonight, it dawned on me that it's been one heck of a year.

1) I bought my first home on my own. Now, this is great but stressful. Finding the home, waiting for the short sale to go through, finding a renter for the other house, moving into the new house. Budgeting... I am still trying to figure this one out.

I started looking at the end of July 2009.

Found this house in February 2010

Closed in May 2010

Moved in May 2010 (Memorial weekend)

2) The week I was signing papers on the house, I found out my dad had been given 6-12 months to live (that was in January 2010).

3) June 2010 - go to Alaska to see my dad

4) Him- he comes to visit for Labor Day, have a great time together, then he gets distant, work is stressful for him, life is stressful. We grow distant, well he does, I go girl, he goes more distant... not a good situation. Both of us are having a difficult time. My heart is sad.

5) Max dies {my 14 year old Rottie/Queensland Heeler dog}

6) My mom moves into my house the end of September with her crazy yellow lab. She has fractured her knee. I have a new puppy {Lynkin}. She is a great help but we realize 6 weeks later we cannot live together. Mom goes back home but I am thankful she could stay with me and we were able to help one another (me with her knee, her with Lynkin and the house training).

7) I finish my MBA sometime in October 2010. That is it, it's over. I get a 'good job'.

8) November 2010 - back to Alaska to see my dad

9) Washington DC in December 2010 to visit Erika. I need a major vacation and it was just what I needed. He is even more distant, my heart is even more sad. My dad is not able to understand that I am even in DC.

10) Did I mention work has been stressful since April 2010? Yeah that is not a good mix but I still like my job and work with some great people so I am thankful for their support.

11) After March 2011, the budget with the new house is getting better, less stressful. I've come to accept We are done. My dad has a great week.

12) April 2011 - my dad is continuing to stay in his confused frame of mind. He would usually come out of it once a week for at least a day. I would be happy when I caught him on a 'good' day.

13) May 2011 - Things with my dad are not improving. I do not know what to do. Do I go see him or wait. Confused, sad, concerned.

14) June 2011 - Back to Alaska. Things spiral from there. 6 weeks of phone calls to Alaska, trying to find a way to get my dad here. The wife can't take care of him, possibly a nursing home, unsafe for him to be home alone. What to do

15) July 2011 - Well, you can read below

My mom mentioned that I have been through a lot in the last year. That I am strong. I thought why would she say I've been through so much? Then I started thinking and that is what I came up with.

October 21, 2011 -

My mom is healthy and you know, she is my best friend. That makes me happy.

He is back, slowly. So maybe? Maybe we needed a break. Maybe no matter what, he would have tried his best and it would not have been good enough for me. So maybe, that is why. Maybe to prepare my heart for July. I don't know but He is back and that makes me happy.

My dad.... my heart is still empty. I am communicating with a friend of my dad's, he is emailing me stories. {my dad is badass!} The stories put a smile back in my heart. A smile where my dad is. My dad would want me to be happy. To keep him in my heart. I will and I do.

For those of my friends who have dealt with me for the last 18 months, I thank you. It's definitely been a ride and the grieving is not over with but I am going to be ok. My mom says I am strong. My dad told me I am him. My dad was very strong.

truth

2011-10-18T21:11:00.000-07:00

found this through pinterest... so very true.

Memorial Service for my dad

2011-10-09T16:33:00.007-07:00

On Sept. 24, I had a memorial service for my dad. For me, it was not the traditional, go to the funeral home type service. It was held in my mom's backyard. I rented a 30x30 tent with tables and chairs for 90 people. We had centerpieces and food for after. I spent hours working on a video to share with family and friends. I planned it to be perfect, just for him. I guess in my mind, it represented how much my dad meant to me. It started with me getting up to thank everyone for coming. The problem was, I did not write anything down to say. Every time I went to write, my mind went blank. I had rehearsed over and over what I would say, what I wanted to say, how I would eliminate some things, add something else. There was just so much and I couldn't get it down on paper. Oh, I have sheets of paper all over from my flights to go up there over this year, the flights on my way home, notes or thoughts while I was up there, and obviously this blog as well. So, after I started my thank you's and after the nice neighbor across the street stopped the landscapers (yes, right when I got up to talk, they appeared behind my mom's backyard brick wall to trim the oleander's,). They were nice enough to stop though... so back to the service. I thanked people and left some out (ughh... I knew that would happen, it's IMPORTANT to write things down for situations like this!!!) the Marines entered for the full honor guard.

My entire life, I had imagined this service. When I was little, I would tell my dad that I wanted the flag and even as I got older. I never thought the day would come though, that I'd be accepting a flag in honor of my dad's service to this country. The ceremony was... I don't even think I know the words to describe it. It was somber, beautiful, sad, respectful, amazing. I am so proud of my father, he was an amazing man who accomplished his dreams. He had no fear, he protected his family and loved them with all he had. He was a true friend to so many people. Ones that I can count and go to for advice, because my dad was the man he was. Honor, Courage, Commitment, Integrity, and Respect.

from your daughter

2011-10-04T21:56:00.004-07:00

Dad,

Today I just missed you. Today would be one of those days I would have just picked up the phone to call you and talk about my day and yours. I'd ask you what you were watching and if it wasn't a football game, it would be CNN, the Military Channel, or some movie. Whether it be a war movie, your cowboy/China movie, a comedy, or even a lifetime movie. I don't know why today was so hard for me. I have to start another class today. I would have told you that too. I would have told you that finally, over the last few months, work was finally getting better. I would have just been able to hear your voice and tell you that I love you. You would have asked if I was driving and talking to you and I would have lied and told you no because you hated when I would drive and talk to you. I still don't get that because if we were in a car together, we'd be talking so what is the difference? People drive and eat at the same time, not much difference there either. I would have mentioned that and you would still say it doesn't matter, you don't like when I drive and talk on the phone... so that is why I would have told you I wasn't driving. We'd talk about the weather, was there snow yet and I would tell you today it was nice. You'd say it would still be too hot for you here. Eventually, we'd end up wrapping up our conversation and I'd tell you that I love you and you'd say "I love you too, baby". Then we'd hang up. I would be able to call you again another day. And now I can't call you... and dad, it's really, really crappy. I hate it and I miss you so much. I love you with all my heart... forever.

Dreams

2011-10-01T07:47:00.003-07:00

So since my dad died, I keep having dreams of people dying or they are going to die. My aunt said the same thing happened to her when each of my grandparents passed away. So far, it's been random people. Nothing that really effects me. Last night, it was about my mom though. That is not cool! So now I'm awake and my emotions are blah, I really hate when a dream does that to you. I never dreamed like this when Paula died, so this is new. I really don't like it because most of the time I don't even remember my dreams. I just wish that my dad would appear in mine. Maybe I'm not ready for that yet though.

I know that I keep writing about my grief; however, there is a purpose to this. I am hoping that others will find this and it may help them through this horrific time. I am hoping that anyone else with a parent who was effected by Agent Orange and who has cirrhosis of the liver, knows that even though the government will not admit that Agent Orange causes cirrhosis, it really does and that he or she is not alone. Just so the world does know... Agent Orange does cause cirrhosis of the liver. Even my dad's doctor mentioned that his cirrhosis was not because of drinking. Now to figure out how to get the government to change their thinking.

an obituary

2011-09-16T09:17:00.003-07:00

You know how some days, it just seems like you can pick up the phone and call someone? Even though they are gone and you know this, you still feel like you can. Today, I placed an obituary in the newspaper. That's final. He's gone. I feel numb as I just realized, it wasn't just a nice note about my dad, it was final. He has died and I'm announcing it to the world. I never in a million years, thought losing him would be this hard. I can't just pick up the phone and call. I can't hear his voice. I can't ask him for advice. I can't just say "I Love You". Oh this really sucks.

"Roy Lewis Hoy, 63, passed away on July 24, 2011 in Fairbanks, Alaska surrounded by loved ones. Roy was born in Niagara Falls, New York and at the age of 9, moved to Mesa, Arizona. Roy, a Vietnam Veteran, served proudly with the United States Marine Corps in 5th Force Recon from 1966-1968. Roy moved to Fairbanks, Alaska in 1974 where he worked as a carpenter and millwright and finally retiring as a successful business owner. As a young boy, Roy dreamed of flying across the U.S., which he accomplished. Roy also had a passion for skydiving and a deep love for his family. He was preceded in death by his mother, Viola Lostracco Hoy and father Harry Hoy. He is survived by his only daughter, Jennifer Hoy of Tempe/Mesa, Arizona (and her mother, Anna Cannon Hoy); his wife, GouFeng Ma-Hoy and two stepsons of Fairbanks, Alaska; siblings David (Lynn) Hoy, Marian (Mike) Bailey, Randy (Diane) Hoy, Tammy (Raymond) Blair, and Rosann (Dwayne) Blair, all of Mesa, Arizona; many nephews and nieces; and extended family in Niagara Falls, New York. Roy was loved by his family and will be deeply missed. There will be a private memorial to celebrate and honor the life of Mr. Hoy. The service will be held on Saturday, September 24 at 10 a.m. in Tempe, Arizona. For further details, contact Jennifer at xxxxx"

Happy Birthday to my MOM

2011-09-05T20:06:00.003-07:00

My mom is aMaZing!

She's always there when I need her

her love truly is unconditional

Today, she came to my house, for her birthday, because I was having a hard day, hard weekend. She wanted to help take my mind off my dad, and off of 'him'. She wanted to help stop my heart from hurting, if only for a little bit. And she did. She made me laugh and she let me cry.

I wish my mother enough, always and forever.

Happy Birthday Mom!

Cherry Cake Pops

2011-08-28T17:57:00.004-07:00

My second attempt at cake pops.

I tried a Cherry Chip cake mix with cream cheese frosting

Dipped in white chocolate

How to make these scrumptious little treats:

1 box of cake mix

1 can of frosting

Bake the cake according to the directions on the box

Let it cool

Crumple the cake in a large bowl

Mix in the frosting

Roll the mixture into round balls

In the past, I just put the balls into the freezer

Next time though, I'm going to try putting them on sticks

Then putting them in the freezer

Melt chocolate

Dip Cake Pops into chocolate

So I am not the best at this dipping thing. It could be because I'm using chocolate chips instead of melting chocolate? Anyone??? I did find that using the sticks is helpful; however, these cake balls seemed to stay very moist {yeah, I know many people do not like that word... sorry but it's the only way I can think to describe it}. I just need more practice with the dipping! You can decorate them in so many ways. I'm too lazy to do the drizzle, sprinkles, ect., so with me you just get plain. You can also mix up the flavors. I did one before with a yellow cake mix, chocolate frosting, dipped in a mixture of chocolate chips and butterscotch chips (half and half). Those are my favorite so far. Let me know if you have any other suggestions or flavor ideas! Also, I created my own little box to hold the Cake Pops but I hear that Bed, Bath, and Beyond may have something coming in so you can display these yummy treats a little nicer than on a Jessica Simpson shoe box! Hey- it will work for now though!

Dear Dad

2011-08-23T16:42:00.003-07:00

Dear Dad,

I miss you soooo much!

I really just want to pick up the phone and call you. I want to tell you about my day. I want to just hear your voice. I want to call you and tell you random things, like my toenail chipped!

I love you so much and miss you all the time. I feel an emptiness in my heart because you are not here. BUT... I know you are there, it's just not the same. I just really miss you.

Love,

your daughter

Friday Mornings.... a good find

2011-08-19T21:29:00.006-07:00

So for the last 2 Friday mornings, I've been spending some time at our local Border's book store because they are going out of business. Today, I purchased 2 cookbooks {see below}, a gardening book, and 4 fiction books for $36.00. I'm so excited!!! {and kind of addicted}

I've been buying books like crazy. I can't wait til next Friday because there will be more of a discount and I will be going back to see what I can find. I'm going to definitely spend more time near the cookbooks and venture over to world history.

2011-08-17T19:38:00.005-07:00

Today... I was just sad.

Because I miss him.

{my graduation, April 2008}

Stage One of Grief or maybe the 4th stage...

2011-08-13T19:23:00.003-07:00

I think that I am still in stage one. It's not so much the shock or denial, just the numbness of it all. I feel like I'm not in my body. That I am just here, going through the motions. It feels like nothing else really matters, I just don't care. I think about my dad all the time. I go back to when I was really young or as I was older. I have a picture ingraved in my head of holding his hand while we walked down the street in downtown Fairbanks when I was about 3 years old. I believe I already brought this memory up but it is the one instilled in my brain that makes me happy. The one where I felt like nothing in this world would ever hurt me, because I had my dad there. I just remember being happy.
I don't cry much now. I think I cried more when he was still alive, after I got back from Alaska in June. After I saw how confused he was. After I saw how he really was. I believe that is when my "grieving" started though.
You know, maybe I've passed the first 3 stages of grief though, but maybe not. I've gotten angry and I'm not anymore. I've felt the guilt and I don't now. I honestly feel like I'm waiting for the storm to hit though. Like I've been doing "ok" but something big is going to happen. For the most part, I'm not isolating myself too much though and I do talk with a few people about everything.

September 1972

2011-08-09T21:10:00.003-07:00

My mom, dad, and I

I'm fine... I'm ok...

2011-08-09T20:52:00.003-07:00

I get asked every day "how are you". I don't mind at all because I know that people are concerned and I appreciate each person. Everytime, I answer "I'm fine" or "I'm ok". But you know what, I am not. My body feels empty. Like there is nothing there, I just go through the motions and do what I need to do. I feel like something is missing. I feel numb. My heart doesn't even feel like it beats inside my body.

Every night I go to sleep, I ask my dad to come to my dream and tell me that everything is ok and will be ok. That he's better now and happy. I know, I know... he is but I still want him to meet me in my dream. I want to hug him in my dream. I want to tell him I love him in my dream. I want to wake up in the morning knowing my dad came to see me in my dream. I miss him. I miss him so much.

So how am I? I guess for someone who lost her father at too young of an age, I am ok. I am fine. In reality, I am just really crappy but I can't say that so I'm fine, I'm ok.

Last night

2011-07-30T20:36:00.002-07:00

So it's a bitter sweet to be heading home in the morning. I want to go home, I need to go home, but leaving here leaves behind a past that I will not be able to get back. If or when I come back to Fairbanks, it's not to see my dad. He's not here anymore. I think some day, I want to come back to Alaska and seek the adventures that so many think this place is about. For me, the last few years have been about spending time with my dad and nothing more.

Going though his photos and documents, my dad really has done and seen a lot in his life. He was born in Niagara Falls, NY and moved to Arizona at the age of 7. He started working at a very young age, 12, 13, or 14 to help support his family. When he was 19, he went to Vietnam. When he came home, he skydived, obtained his pilot license, married my mom, and had me. In 1974 or 75 he moved to Alaska to work. He had his truck and $1,000 with him. He worked on the Alaska Pipeline, he moved back to Arizona for a few years, then back to Alaska. He flew his airplane around the United States. He has always told me he lived a good life and has no regrets. Over the last few years, he went back to Vietnam and spent time in China.

That is all for tonight... I miss you dad!

6 days later

2011-07-30T15:11:00.002-07:00

Everything is pretty much taken care of. I have his ashes {Feng has half, I have half}. I have photos, documents, the things that he showed me year after year and told me stories about. I will come home with 3 bags and 1 personal bag. All of my father. I will come home with a heart half whole. Last night, I fell asleep about 5 pm. I woke up at 6:15, went to have a pedicure and was asleep again around 10. I slept til about 12:30 PM (yes, over 12 hours). I've gotten up a few times today but I feel weak. I feel like I can't move. I feel empty and sad. My body shakes to get up. It's finally hitting me and I'm ready to go home.
The last two nights, I've had dreams. They haven't been good dreams, they are the dreams were you scream at people, you take your anger out. The first had Ethel in it and I probably cannot say on the internet what I was doing in the dream but it wasn't nice. Then I turned and my dad was there, I didn't see his face though but it was him. He just hugged me and told me it would be ok. Last night I had a dream about Feng. That her and I were fighting over things and it was just crazy. We made up in my dream. I am lucky that she is the person she is because I believe she and I want the best of each other and to make each other happy during this time. I think my dad would be happy with how our friendship has been. I feel guilty though because in the beginning, I just went and went to get everything taken care of. Now, I just want to be alone to grieve. Both are opposite of her culture. She wants to grieve, then take care of things. She has been very good with understanding that because I'm only here for awhile, we needed to get this stuff taken care of.
6 days later though, as I said, most everything is taken care of. The other things can wait or will be processed in time. I need to plan a service, that will be in Arizona but I'm not in a hurry. My dad hated the heat and August is like hell there. Maybe we'll have it in Sept so people can plan to attend and have enough time to get everything in order. Now, it's just time to go home, climb in bed, and wait a week until I go back to work. Until life starts again. For now though, I miss my dad with every part of my being.

Day 3 - remembering back

2011-07-30T08:50:00.003-07:00

I wanted to journal this daily so it was fresh in my mind. It's been 6 days since my dad has been gone. My heart is sadder and sadder every day.
The last day his circulation got worse. We increased his morphine. The nurse told me at one point it was going up to 76 ml per hour; however, it went back to 24 ml per hour (max). One doctor would let me push the 'green button' to give him the 'shot' of morphine (4 ml per shot) and another doctor would not. Apparently it's illegal and the only person who can push it is the patient. When the patient is basically in a coma, how the heck do they expect that to happen. I realize it's all for legalities but when you have your father's best interest and know his wishes, I just don't agree. I know my dad, believe it or not, and there is no way he would have even wanted to live as long as he did the way he was.
The last 2 days, he was peaceful. I don't think he was in any pain at all. I was thankful for that. I know he would have rather of died at home, but where he was was the best place for him. In Fairbanks, they do not have hospice like we do in Arizona where a bed and round the clock nurses can be. The nurses at the hospital were amazing though. They were supportive, caring, compassionate, and understanding. I am very thankful for them.
The last day, I stayed by my dad's side as much as possible. I held his hand, I cuddled next to him and slept. I told him over and over it was ok to go. I told him to go with Grandma, to take her hand and go. That we'd be ok. I told him over and over how much I loved him and that I would I miss him so much but I know in my heart he will always be with me. That I am him, just as he once said. That I'm strong and will be ok.
There was a point in the evening that my dad stopped breathing for a long time, maybe like a minute but probably less, it just felt like forever. Feng thought he had died but I had my hand on his chest and could feel his heart beating. He began breathing again. I got up out of my chair and my cousin sat down in the chair next to him. I think panic set in because I knew she wanted time next to him as well. I would leave the room, come back in, leave the room, come back in. I went out to the nurse, Heather, and we finished paperwork that would need to be filled out once he passed away. At that point, another nurse came by and asked the last time he had been repositioned. It had been awhile so they decided to do it again. The three of us went into the room.
Everyone moved away from the bed, some went out of the room. I know Feng had left the room a bit earlier and went to the visiting room and cried. I helped the nurses reposition him and we put pillows under his feet to avoid bed sores. {He had started getting two spots, one on each foot}. My cousin went to sit back down in 'my' chair and I asked if she'd switch sides with me because it was the side I was comfortable cuddling with. She agreed. As I went to climb back into the chair, the other nurse who was helping very quietly called Heather's name. I looked at her face and knew. I looked at my father, he was not breathing. I quickly put my hand on his chest and there was not heartbeat. I buried my face into his neck, against his face, and cried. I told him over and over how much I loved him.
Heather listened for a heartbeat, she touched my shoulder and said "I'm sorry". Another nurse came in to pronounce him, it was about 10:20 pm on Sunday, July 24, 2011.
Someone went to get Feng, she came in hysterical. I couldn't handle it and had to get out of the room for a bit, I wanted to be alone, I wanted to call my mom. I grabbed my phone, left the room, and dialed my mom. She was asleep but said when she heard the phone ring, she knew. I had gone into the vistor's room and laid on the couch/bench they had. I must have stayed there for about 30 minutes, on the phone with my mom, crying. I also wanted to give everyone a chance to say good-bye to my dad. I wanted to be alone with him and curl up next to him and hold his hand one last time.
I finally went back into the room. I think it was only Pisano and I in the room, maybe my cousin as well. I don't remember. I just remember I curled back up next to him and cried. I played music, "Can't Help Falling in Love", because he used to sing that song to me. I played "What a Wonderful World" because we danced to that song at my wedding.
I remember going out of his room again, Feng's boys, Yu and Yan had come into the room to say good-bye again. I went and sat in the waiting room with Pisano, held comforted me. We talked, that my dad was in a better place and because I needed to hear it from him, I asked him if my dad loved me. He laughed and said that was a silly question. I explained that the last few years had been hard and how I felt so I just needed him to tell me. He said yes, he loved you. He said my dad was unique and made decisions that we may not have agreed with but that is what made my dad who he was. I agreed.
I had to sign some paperwork though at some point. I remember Feng kept asking what we needed to do. I told her to just go home and take care of herself, that everything had been taken care of. This I would recommend to anyone in this situation. Fill out as much paperwork as you can prior to your loved one dying. Once he or she passes, the last thing you'll want to do is sit down and figure everything out. From there, I went back into his room and cuddled again. His body was getting colder and colder. Pisano finally told me I could not stay forever, which I knew was true. So I said my goodbye and left.
I felt relieved that my dad had died because I did not want him to stay the way he was. I knew he wouldn't want it either. My heart just breaks though. I miss him so very much. Now that it's been 6 days, I feel like the pain is getting worse, things are setting in. The realization he is gone is there. Today, my heart really hurts and I do not want to get out of bed. I just want to sleep, I am exhausted. I miss my dad, I want my dad here, I need my dad.

Day 2

2011-07-23T16:13:00.004-07:00

Last night was rough. My dad has sleep apnea and has a hard time breathing laying down anyway. So it made his breathing extremely raspy and I thought that he may not make it through the night. His oxygen level was down to 65 as well. He was pale, his lips, and finger tips were blue. I slept almost all night; however, I would wake up to make sure he was still alive. That is a horrible feeling. There was one time that I did wake up and I couldn't hear him breathing, his hand was so hot, and I thought he had passed away. Then I heard him breathe.

At about 8 am this morning, I had my back turned toward the door. When I turned around, Pisano was standing there. My heart just filled with comfort, a man who has known my dad for most of his life. A man that, even though I have not spend hours and hours with him, is a man I know would be there for me, just as my own father. Pisano was in Vietnam with my dad. They have remained amazingly great friends ever since. Within 24 hours of my call to Pisano, he booked a flight to come see my dad. For that, I am forever greatful. My dad has always told me that if there is anything I ever need, to call Pisano and he will be there for me. Because I am my father's daughter and that is what they do for each other.

When Pisano went to my dad's side, he spoke to him and I really believe my dad was responding to him. Pisano already has an appointment with the VA on Tuesday to get clarification on services and burial/cremation benefits for us.

I found out later that Amber, my cousin, was 3 hours south of Fairbanks and would be on her way as well. It was nice to know I would have family around as well. Throughout the day, there was not much change. They took him off oxygen because it was only prolonging his life and I did not want that. The nurses worked with me to protect Feng from feeling guilty of anything. In her culture, they bring the person home to care for him or her, prolonging life, until the person passes away. Obviously in our culture, most would rather die than live a life that is not really who s/he is.

My dad is a fighter and me started to sleep peacefully. He made it through the night and into day 3.

day 1

2011-07-22T19:25:00.003-07:00

I arrived in Fairbanks at about 1:45 am on Friday, June 22. Feng's boys picked me up and we went straight to the hospital. Let me back up by saying Thursday was a tough day and by the time my flight left, I splet from PHX to SEA and SEA to FAI. Anyways, I got to the hospital and he was in bed, sleeping. He is snoring so he's in a deep sleep. He's hooked up to morphine and gets an anxiety med for when he gets restless. For the most part, he seems to be pain free. When the nurses move him from side to side, he tends to get aggitated and it seems somewhat painful for him. That is when he gives himself a shot of morphine. Yeah....seriously, these laws are freaking RIDICULOUS! {no worries, he can do it cuz I make sure he is able to}.

Every couple of hours he opens his eyes and tries to lift his body up. I hold his hand, kiss his forhead, and tell him to relax, it is going to be ok. His face is starting to look a little more pale this afternoon. His blood pressure was low, blood sugar was not quite under 50 but close. This morning it was more like 70. His oxygen {levels or something like that} were about 70 (that was this evening). I hope this means he is coming closer to the end. Not that I want him to die but I don't want him to lay here this way for weeks on ends. His legs are not swollen, but his hands are now. The veins in his right arm are not working for the iv. So the IV has been moved to his left arm. The nurses have been amazing! I wish the staff on now could stay here until I leave.

Tonight, a priest came in and said a prayer for him. I told him we wanted to wait on his last rights (is that the name of the prayer)? He said it was simlar. He also mentione that he was an ex-Marine and that he was honored to be here with dad. He said that dad was a true American hero. I could not be more porud of my dad!!!

So for now, though we wait and keep him confortable.

the grief cycle, is numb first?

2011-07-19T21:08:00.003-07:00

i can't describe how i feel right now. the only word is numb. you know, the feeling when you just can't feel, can't talk, and stare like you have no idea what is going on? that is how i feel.

someone told me "i think your dad's situation is affecting you more than you know". yeah, it is. last i checked he was dying and i think that means there is a part of me that will die too.

tonight, i got the call. a call from a doctor, an intensivist. do you know what that is? he's a doctor in the ICU unit. i relate to him as the last doctor that paula had, before she died. to me, an intensivist is not good. and tonight, he called me.

tonight, he told me that my dad was being admitted back into the hospital. that he sat down with feng to decide what to do with my dad. feng said she cannot take care of him at home. the only facility that he can go to is in anchorage, this is something my dad would not want, me either. they discussed putting him in a hospice bed. they discussed my dad's wishes that his life not be prolonged. they discussed giving him morphine to keep him comfortable. he {the doctor} told me 4-16 days.

i called feng. i told her i would fly out tomorrow. she told me that had asked the doctor to call me, to explain my dad's situation. she said the doctor needs a decision by tomorrow. i'm confused. i thought we had a decision. she told me she does not think my dad will die tomorrow or the next day or even next week. again, i am confused. i talked to feng again. she feels guilty. she does not want him to die. i feel bad for her. i feel bad for me. i tell her she did everything she could. i tell her he would not want to live this way. i tell her i will tell the doctor to let him die, because i know that is what my dad would want me to do. i love my dad.

i called the hospital back to speak with the doctor. the doctor called me again. we discussed what was best for my dad. i leave in 48 hours. i told him when i get there, i will not leave the hospital. he said that is fine. normally they do not allow people overnight but this is an exception. i said good because i wouldn't leave no matter what. i am leaving to spend the last few days with my dad. to say goodbye. to tell him over and over how much i love him. to tell him that through it all, he was a great dad. he is a dad i am proud to call my father. i do not want my dad to live like this. i can't handle seeing him this way. a man who is strong, a man, who the doctor asked me 'was he a marine, he looks like one'. yes, he was a marine. the doctor said, 'he's a strong man and if it wasn't for his liver failing, he would be healthy'.

so right now, i think i hate the world but i do not feel anger yet. i know it will come. i know all the emotions that will come. why? because i've been though this before when paula died but this time, it's not my best friend, someone who was like my sister, this time it's my father. the man i leaned on and looked up to. the man i loved unconditionally. the man that i always tried to make proud of me. the man i would talk to on the phone as a little girl and would tell him i loved him more. he would return that with i love you more. and so it would go on.

please keep him and me and feng in your prayers. that is all for now.

Phone calls

2011-07-14T20:21:00.002-07:00

My phone calls to my dad can be comical or sad. I guess it depends on how you look at it or what kind of mind frame I am in.

I'm sitting on the phone right now with my dad. He told me he loved me. I asked if he loved me a little or a lot and he said a lot. Then, I asked if he was proud of me and he said yes. Then, he just disappeared. He didn't hang up the phone because I can hear background noise. I can only assume the phone is in his lap and he's just sitting there, maybe asleep. I'm laughing, making noises, whistling, trying to get Lynkin to bark, anything to get his attention. So, he comes back to the phone, I say "Dad", he says "I can't hear you now" then he's gone again....

Tonight I can smile. I love this man so much. {I just heard him say 'oooooh'} so the phone must be sitting near him. And you know what, I will take every moment I can, just listening to the background noise near him because one day, I won't be able to have this. So I'm going to soak up every moment I can with my dad, even if he doesn't say anything at all.

encephalopathy

2011-07-13T21:37:00.003-07:00

I don't even know where to begin to pronounce the word... nor do I care to. It is what my dad has now. I researched when my dad was confused and I came across this word many times. So I knew it was a chance and I thought I was prepared. What really can prepare you... to know your dad's mind is fading. He's 63 years old, so you don't really concern yourself with your parent showing signs of a brain malfunction. Basically, because his liver is failing, his body does not release the toxins and they form in the blood. This eventually leads to the impairment of the brain. I should state there are different types of encephalopathy, my dad has hepatic encephalopathy. The symptoms include, sleeping during the day (reversal of the normal sleep pattern), irritability, inability to concentrate or perform calculations, loss of memory, confusion, and eventually causes coma and death (information from medicinenet.com)
I found this out today. After I spoke with the neurologist. I then went back into my meeting, to concentrate but couldn't. After work, I stayed to look up that e word and the above is what I found. I sat there, numb. I was prepared, I knew that he probably wouldn't go back to "normal", that his mind would stay in this unclear state. I cried.

As I read through the symptoms though, I realize that 3 years ago, even more, my dad slept more during the day than at night. His sleep patterns were always sporadic, because of PTSD. I just figured that was why he was awake all night and slept during the day. Why didn't I realize this back then! Maybe he already knew that he was in the beginning stages of E. As for irritability, I remember back to the end of my bachelor's degree program... spring of 2008, my dad started acting different. One night, he got completely upset with me because he called while I was in the middle of a team paper and I was totally stressed out. I asked him if I could call back the next night and he just lost it. I remember thinking, what the heck is wrong! He even called my mom telling her there was something wrong with me. He was crying. Was this a sign? I knew back then something was wrong but I thought... honestly thought, that maybe his doctor had told him he was dying and he wasn't telling me. But now, I think that it was this E word... it had started to affect him. My dad never shared with me what was going on with him. This... this explains so much if what I think, back in 2008 was the beginning of hepatic encephalopathy.

So what happens now? It sounds like it will just get worse. Eventually, from my readings, he will go into a coma, then death. This disease is horrid. I did not think that there was a worse way to die than dying from cancer but cirrhosis is just as bad. Please, please, please... keep my dad in your prayers. For comfort, for peace. I love him so very, very much.

Father's Day

2011-06-19T08:53:00.003-07:00

Today, I miss my dad. As Feng puts it, "his mind is confused". I plan to call him today and the bonus will be if he realizes it's actually me on the phone. The extra bonus will be if he understands what I am saying. I took a lot of years for granted. I never imagined my dad would be the way he is today, I thought he'd always be there. I believe he knows how much I love him though. I was blessed to have spend last week with him to repeat over and over how much I loved him.

Happy Father's Day Daddy! I love you more....

Leaving

2011-06-13T23:51:00.004-07:00

Today was a tough day for my dad. He did not want to take a shower and I am not sure if I pushed him to hard (not literally) to take one. He kept pushing his walker with all his strength to get past me. He then went to his knees and used his head to push me out of the way. I really thought he'd just give up and take a shower but he wouldn't. After the ordeal, he was exhausted. He's been asleep for the day and he is more confused than he has been. He went to the kitchen, thinking it was the bathroom. It kills me to see him like this and I feel guilty for trying so hard to have him take a shower. Maybe if I had not been as stubborn as him, he wouldn't be so exhausted and out of it right now. Then again, maybe he would be.

He didn't go to his doctor's appointment again today. Feng and I tried and tried but he just kept saying no. I went to his appointment anyway and this time I was late. Some care manager explained it would be better if I spoke with a social worker and so I did. Speaking with her did not help my dad but it helped me. I wanted them to know that he's a good man. That he's not some crazy alcoholic like the nurse practioner made him sound like from the notes. I told this woman that he was a proud man. That his entire life, he took care of everyone and he did things himself. I told her that he was sweet and smiled and that he was in pain from this disease. I told her that he drank when he came back from the war to forget about what happend. That throughout most of my life, he didn't drink and if he did, he drank O'Doul's. I told her after the B left, that yes, he did drink but it was, again, to forget. I explained if he was an alcoholic, I would admit to it but he is not. I told her I wanted him to have a doctor with some sort of compation. When I left, I felt better. I know there is nothing anyone can do for my dad but it does not make this any easier. He is a man with a good heart and has always had the best intentions. He loves his family and would give his shirt off his back for someone, he is loyal. I am pretty sure that is where I get my loyalty from, my mom as well. I have the best and the worst of the both of them but all in all, I think I am most like my father with a little bit of my mother to balance me out.

When I leave for the airport in a few hours, I am not sure how I will be. This could very well be the last time I see my dad and that is hard. How do I leave? How do I say goodbye, knowing this could be it. I will keep in my heart his grin, the one he makes when I say "I love you", when I tell him he is discombobulated, then proceeds to laugh, a little. The grin he makes when you repeat back to him "God Damn It" or "you are a pain in the ass". He used to tell me all the time I was a pain in the ass and now I reciprocate his words. He smiles at me with that grin and says yes.

More with dad....

2011-06-12T14:14:00.004-07:00

So when I was little, probably around the age of 5 or maybe even 6, I remember my dad pouring water on me to wake me up. He was living in Arizona at the time and we had just gotten home. I must have been asleep and would not wake up. I remember being in the garage, on the floor. My dad told me to get up or he would dump a bucket of water on me. Apparently, I did not get up because I remember that bucket of water being dumped on me. As I think back now, maybe I wasn't asleep, maybe I was throwing a tantrum because how else would I have gotten from the truck to the floor in the garage! hmmmmm.....

Well today was pay back day. Dad's been sleeping all day. He's definitely very tired. He still needs to take his medicine and he really needs to get in the shower. First, I tried to get him up to get a shower but he will not go. He keeps asking why he has to take a shower. I told him because he is dirty and he smells. He says "I don't want to take a shower" so I tell him too bad, when I was little, I didn't want to take one either but you made me! He gets a grin on his face as he lays in his chair with his eyes closed. This goes on and on. I pull the blanket off him and he immediately raised up saying "HEY". Guess what, he's still not in the shower! So, now we are on to finishing his medicine. He tells me that he has taken all of his medicine and he's not taking anymore today. I told him he has not taken it all, he only took 2 pills. We go back and forth. I ask him why I would lie to him and he says "because you are". So, I told him if he doesn't sit up to take his medicine, I will pour water on him. He just lays there. I start to tip the water, knowing I won't drip much on him and I warn him the water is coming. He does not move. So, the water (like a whole 3 drops) hits his shoulder and he immediately sits and and says "HEY". I told him pay backs are a bitch and he needs to take his medicine. He just looks at me with a grin on his face. Yeah, he still has not taken his medicine. I know he needs to but he is so dang stubborn! I'll try again after Feng gets back from bringing him food. Even though it's so hard to see him this way, he still makes me laugh and these are the moments that I will always cherish!

All for a can of peaches

2011-06-12T10:48:00.002-07:00

So over the last couple of days, he has not communicated very much. However, he can be very clear when he is not happy about something. First and foremost, he wants to do everything on his own. Friday night, he went into the kitchen. He kept going to the refrigerator, opening the door, then shutting it. He would go back to his chair. 20 minutes later, he was back. He finally sat down at the kitchen table. I showed him a can of peaches and asked if he wanted some. He just looked at me. He then grabbed the box that contained the canned peaches. Apparently, he felt he needed to open the box so he started tearing it down the side. I stopped him and I got "God Damn It", then angrily puts his hands down as though he's fed up. I explain that the box is already open and show him as I pull out a can. He proceeds to take out 3 cans of peaches. I stop him and he gets frustrated with me again. Now it's time to open the can. I give him a fork and he starts to push the fork into the can. Apparently he must think if he pushes hard enough, it will open. I try to explain if he turns the can over, we can open it by pulling the top off. He says no, we can't open it that way. So I tell him to watch and he gets mad again. Then, he lowers his head as though he is pouting. This makes me laugh. I tell him to stop getting mad and to stop pouting! Again, I tell him to stop pouting and watch. He looks up to see the peaches are open and has two cans!

Trying so hard

2011-06-11T22:15:00.005-07:00

I went to the VA clinic to talk with the doctor about my dad's condition. If I remember correctly, I swear she said she's a nurse practitioner. What the blessed hell... I need to remember to ask why he is not seeing an actual doctor. Maybe it's because there is really nothing more they can do for him. What I find interesting is that I asked questions she did not know the answers to. My my dad had been seeing a civilian doctor therefore, she assumed that the civilian doctor had run the tests I had asked about. I asked if she would like me to have his medical records sent over and instead, she is going to run tests herself (which is good). My dad has been seeing this doctor/nurse for at least a year. I wish a year ago he would have allowed me to go into the doctor's office with him because I would have researched and asked these questions then. Why is it that someone without a medical degree can ask questions that these people who are professionals should know. It's all over google! He has an appointment on Monday, June 13 and I will definitely ask some more questions then. Starting with where the HELL is a DOCTOR at!
Reality is though, there is still nothing an actual doctor can do. My dad is still drinking and therefore, he was cancelled from the liver transplant list. I don't understand where his drinking came from. When I was really young, I remember he had crown royal bags around, so maybe he did drink back then. I guess I am pretty sure he did. As I got a little older though, for most of my life, he drank O'Douls and when the B**** left, he did start drinking again. So I really have no idea what kind of drinking he did. I felt like this nurse just assumed he was some sort of alcoholic and that pissed me off! He's not, maybe in some way he is, but I know my dad and he could/would quit if he was coherent and wanted to. I believe for him, drinking helps with his PTSD. Not that it's ok, but when someone from the VA wants to assume he's an alcoholic, they can go screw themselves because the war is what caused PTSD, Diabetes 2, and cirrhosis of the liver. At this point though, it's my dad who needs to make changes. He's a stubborn man and with his situation now, it's highly unlikely to happen.
Last night, he kept trying to drink beer. I started crying and told him it would kill him. He just looked at me with a blank stare {which is what he's done for the past two days}. I don't know if he understood what I was saying or not; however, he finally started drinking water and 24 hours later, he still has not had a beer. Maybe it's wishful thinking that he understood me but I would like to think he did!
Everyone keeps saying to cherish the time I'm with him and I am. It's hard though when he is pretty much asleep all day and night. When he is awake, he just stares and does not talk. Over the last two days, he has not really said anything to me. He did tell me twice that he loved me, and that was after I said it to him. I am thankful for that, very much thankful!
Last night, as I was crying, I told him I wanted to have a conversation with him, that I wanted him to talk to me. A few minutes later, he tried his hardest to talk to me. His words make no sense but I know he tried and that is all that matters to me. I miss talking to him. I miss him understanding what I say. He's a good man and his heart is always in the right place. I wish more than anything, I could make him better and no longer in pain.

Liver Failure

2011-06-09T04:30:00.005-07:00

I just arrived in Alaska tonight so I can go to the doctor with my dad. Some of you may be aware that he has cirrhosis of the liver. While growing up, I did not live with my dad but I honestly do not remember him drinking much. He actually drank O'doul's, which was a 'fake beer'. So how did he get cirrhosis? There are facts that state Agent Orange, which was a herbicide sprayed during the Vietnam War can be the cause of liver failure. The VA has not acknowledged that the dioxin could cause cirrhosis of the liver. I've read several forums of Vietnam Vet's who were exposed to Agent Orange and now have cirrhosis of the liver and the VA still denies this. The VA tells them it is due to drinking. The men state that they have not drank or rarely drink. But here's another bright idea good ole VA.... many of them drink because of PTSD! Hello.... men came home at the age of 20 and put sandbags around their house to protect their family. America's spit on these men, protested against them. There was no support back then..... so yeah, maybe they did turn to drinking to forget! Now, I am not against supporting our military at all. In fact, I 100% support them. I'm just extremely disappointed in how our Vietnam Vets were treated and it sickens me that 40 years later, they are still fighting for what they deserve. I, for one, will more than likely lose my father because of that war. I was fortunate he returned home and I had many years with him. But in reality, I am shafted because he should not be dying!

So for now, I am sad, heartbroken, angry, mad, and mostly cherishing every moment I have with my dad!

My dad.... 5th Force Recon, USMC

Favorite Easter Memory

2011-04-24T18:18:00.002-07:00

I was reminiscing in my mind back to my favorite Easter memory. I think I was about 11 years old. We used to go to my aunt and uncle's house for a little Easter egg hunt and family time. We were all getting older and so the parental's decided to get a little creative with the egg hunt: we had a scavenger hunt.

Now we have to go back to a conversation that , my grandmother was having with my older cousin Ronni and myself (I don't remember when we actually had this conversation but it was definitely before that Easter day). I also don't remember the entire conversation but it was about boys. My grandma said something about being careful because boys can get "a rising sun". Now remember, I mentioned I was young, and I had no clue what this term meant. So, I got the break down of "a rising sun". {oh the innocence}

Back to that Easter day.... my Great Uncle Ray, who was probably in his late 60's, maybe 70's was enjoying that day with us. Let me just say... I loved my Uncle Ray very much. He was just the amazing "old" man and had a very kind heart. Anyways, one of my clues to find an egg was "Look for the rising sun". Oh my... I must have blushed like no other. I finally found the egg, as my Uncle Ray had it in his lap.

I think of that day and it makes me smile.

If you want me to...

2011-04-16T23:48:00.002-07:00

Let's just say it's still been a rocky couple of months in my life but I think the wave has crashed and I am slowly looking at the horizon and trying my hardest to hold on to hope. From sad, to hurt, to anger, to stress, back to sad, then anger again, and finally just pure stress with sometimes a laugh or two... it seems like every aspect of my life has been hit. Like that quote "when it rains, it pours". Well, there is hail and ironically, it feels like hell. Today though, I had a little "come to God" moment. Edward {yes, that Edward} and I were on a road trip and I put in Third Day. {whenever I hear Third Day, I think of him... he likes them and so do I}. He made a comment how he really needs to find a church again because when he was attending church before, it was the happiest he'd ever been. It made me think.... yes, he's right. Then I put in Ginny {Owens} - If you want me to - {song}. If any of you have heard the version of this on the Night at Rocketown CD, you've heard Ginny talk about her trails that she endured while trying to find a teaching job. Apparently, she realized that we are all going to endure trials; however, it's how we handle the trials that matters. I realized, I need to give these trials to God and trust in Him. I need to find Him again though. I need to believe.... again. Oh- and maybe not be so angry at some of the previous trails I've had {you know like losing my best friend 7 years ago and taking her from the lives of her 2 daughters}. So that is what I am going to try and do. I'm going to try and find Him. That makes me happy no matter what else is going on. That brings me a since of peace. He makes me feel that way.... not the one I love, you know the other him that has made me feel so broken because he needs some time to get through his own trails. So maybe if I can bring peace to my heart, the other part of my heart... the one that aches over him... will heal. Wish me luck!

Really....

2011-02-28T17:41:00.001-07:00

So I'm suppose to go back to DC for the weekend.

Instead, I may be fighting a cold.

Give a girl a break... someone, anyone?

Global Warming???

2011-02-27T23:04:00.002-07:00

Snow... the end of Feb... on the Superstition Mountains?

Kinda crazy

Of course 3 hours later when it was gone, the craziness subsided

Who would have thought that there'd be snow so close to Phoenix twice in one year!

2011-02-21T18:49:00.002-07:00

Today, I was out picking up a couple of things... for me.

I felt kind of guilty, so I stopped at PetSmart

and picked up a couple of little gifts for Lynkin

Character

2011-02-20T16:47:00.002-07:00

I always try to do my best. Treat others respectfully.

It's true, when I get mad/hurt/angry {key word is hurt} I often lash out. Say things that, well basically are true but should not be said. Everyone has faults and it basically comes down to what you are willing to put up with.

I think that for the most part, I put up with quite a bit. I give the other person the benefit of the doubt. I put the other person before me. For the most part, I would go above and beyond for someone that I truly care about.

Now though, I'm tired. I'm tired of being taken advantage of. I'm tired of excuses. Is it so hard to ask for another person to be upfront and honest? Apparently, it is. Even at work, I listen to sorry excuses everyday.

I think that sometimes people do not say the truth because they think they are protecting the other person. In the end, the person being lied to or protected, ends up getting hurt.

2011-01-30T20:00:00.001-07:00

I don't believe in giving up on things....

{just a random photo from of the Washington Monument}

Playdate

2011-01-27T19:00:00.005-07:00

Tomorrow... this boy

is going to his grandma's

for a morning playdate

24Jan11

2011-01-24T20:27:00.007-07:00

So I feel like everything I have blogged lately seems to be negative. A spiralling tornado to a sad ending and that is not how I want to be perceived. How do you pull yourself out of something that feels like you are hanging on the edge of a cliff and no one is there to pull you up? Your feet just dangling.... oy vey!

Then, I remembered one of Angie's post from her blog:

today what mattered most was.... she talked about staying home, loving on her kids, a conversation with her adorable man, sonic ice... and I realized, even though some things make my day NOT as happy as I would like, there are still many things that do make my day good...

So, today what mattered most to me...

~I have a job, a job that gives me some flexibility and helps to pay my mortgage
~spending time and cuddling with Lynkin
~I have lost over 5 lbs in the last week and a half
~plans to go back to DC and spend time with Erika
~my hair is dark {again and forever}
~THIS message from a "student" I enrolled into school "Jennifer I would have never been able to survive these last four years without you. You have helped me achieve something I never thought possible. Be happy!!" She has since become a friend, one I have not met yet, but one I will always cherish.
~Finally, I am able to see my mistakes and learn from them...

So God, I've been asking you to help me through each day and you have. When all is said and done, you are what has mattered most.

Tomorrow will be another day, something else to look forward to!

Peace~

1st day at the dogpark

2011-01-22T21:27:00.002-07:00

Lynkin just stood around, walked up to other people to get some affection, and finally wandered off because there was a ball or two being thrown around! My favorite was looking over at a boy who had his arms wrapped around Lynkin. He was giving him a hug and a kiss. I heart this dog!

Lynkin's Graduation

2011-01-17T19:56:00.003-07:00

Lynkin graduated from obedience school...

He's such a chill dog that we really do not have any problems. There are a few little things we can work on but for the most part, he's seriously an amazing dog! I'm not sure how I got so lucky but God must have known I would need such a great little guy in my life. He doesn't chew my house up. He's not hyper and does not jump all over the place. He barely barks. He loves to cuddle. When I leave for a couple hours, I put him in his crate. When I come home, he usually stays in the crate and just looks at me. My favorite thing about him so far, is when he is so excited and does a little jump while he is running. I couldn't love him more!

Sara Evans - A Little Bit Stronger

2011-01-12T17:06:00.000-07:00

2011

2011-01-08T08:44:00.004-07:00

The last few months have brought good and bad. How does it seem that the 1 bad out weighs all the good? And why doesn't the good make me happier? Because when your heart fills broken, not much can heal it... just time.
So here are the things that I am thankful for:
1) My dad is on a waiting list for a liver transplant {he's also doing better with acupuncture, massage therapy, and herbal medicines}
2) I have the best puppy in the world! He's totally chill, has not damaged my house, and he makes my heart smile on my sad days.
3) Friendships that I have thought were lost have returned. First Heather, then Erika, and finally Angie, (we found each other again through FB). Each of these women have been through various situations in my life and now, as I am nearing 40, my heart is yet broken again, and I could possibly be entering a mid-life crisis, are each back in my life. It makes me think back to the email that goes around about friends in your life for a reason, a season, and a lifetime (something like that). Getting together again is like there was never any time lost or any issues between us. I am very thankful for each of them. I'm thankful for all of my friends {and that means YOU!}.

I am thankful for my mothers unconditional love and her health, my house, surviving my MBA and continuing my education. I am blessed with a job and even though there are days I am just burnt out, I do enjoy it along with the people I work with.

So all in all, I am very blessed.

2011-01-02T11:48:00.011-07:00

The Vietnam Veterans Memorial....
My entire life, I was intrigued by the Vietnam War. I have come to realize it was what tied me to my father. My dad was in the 5th Force Recon {Marine Corps} and was in Vietnam from 1968-1969. The stories he has told me throughout my life and him not living in Arizona made my obsession with this war, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, and Agent Orange. For as long as I can remember, I wanted to go to Washington, D.C. to see The Wall. This first photo was my first view of the Wall. I cannot even explain my emotions. By the time I found the Wall, I had already seen the Washington Memorial, WWII Memorial, Reflecting Pool, the White House, and had been lost through the streets of D.C. for about 4 hours. But this, this memorial is why I started my adventure that day... to see the Wall, by myself, and feel the emotions I knew I would have. I envisioned seeing flags, letters, teddy bears, letters, but nothing was left next to the wall that day; however, wedged between two panels was this braclet "Bring them Home Now".
The reflection of the Wall is amazingly beautiful... but the amount of names listed is unbelievable. In my research, I found "The latest names added in 2010, brought the number of names on the black granite Wall to 58,267" and "the Memorial is dedicated to the 2.7 million men and women in the U.S. military who served in the designated war zone".
As I walked down past each panel, it was a bittersweet feeling. A feeling of being thankful to these men and woman for the sacrafices they made for us. A feeling of saddness that children grew up without their fathers/mothers because their names were now on this wall because of their sacrafice. Anger for this war taking something from the young soldiers who fought, for those who live still today and are still suffering from this war that ended 35 years ago. Anger at how the soldiers who did come home were treated. It makes me sick to think that people spit on them, looked down on them, that our own government did not accept that there were issues these men and women came home with. When my dad came home from Vietnam, he filled sandbags and put them around his mom's house to protect his family from the enemy. He was 21 years old when he came home. When I was younger, it seemed like he was "such a man" for going off to war but as I grow older, I realize, he was just a kid.

My father, after 40 years, still suffers from PTSD and has medical conditions that have come from the war (medicial conditions due to Agent Orange). Even though I am very blessed, and my father survived the war, after all these years, the war is killing him. That makes me angry! We think that when the soldiers come home, we are lucky. They are alive and hopefully, there will not be medical conditions later due to chemicals but because of the chemicals our government sprayed on the foilage in Vietnam during this war, my father is dying. He's not alone either.

"If you are able, save for them a place inside of you and save one backward glance when you are leaving for the places they can no longer go.
Be not ashamed to say you loved them, though you may or may not have always. Take what they have taught you with their dying and keep it with your own.
And in that time when men decide and feel safe to call the war insane, take one moment to embrace those gentle heroes you left behind."
~Major Michael Davis O'Donnell1 January 1970Dak To, VietnamListed as KIA February 7, 1978

Lynkin's 1st Christmas

2010-12-29T17:45:00.007-07:00

I have to say, I was very blessed to have found this little guy! He's totally chill, loves to cuddle, nothing major is chewed up {knock HARD on wood everywhere!}. That could be due to the fact he is totally spoiled and has a basket full of toys! I just seriously love him and I am excited to spend how many years as possible with this little guy!

Lynkin's first Christmas ornament! Thanks Auntie Erika!!!

Some of his toys and a great big yummy treat!
Lynkin's first stocking...

The White House

2010-12-23T21:05:00.003-07:00

I've always imagined the White House.... well, not surrounded by buildings!

Let's back up here... I went to visit Erika in DC (Alexandria, VA). Across the street from her apartment is the Metro. So when I flew in, late Thursday night, I knew I'd be on my own for Friday. My plan was to take the Metro and check out the memorials. The next three days we'd spend venturing out together. I cross the street to the metro and realize it's completely different than the L in Chicago or Metro in Rome. I now need to figure out where I am exactly and where I am going. Finally, I'm on my way. {By the way... the DC Metro, the blue and yellow lines will run the same track and same with the green, red, and orange}. I arrive to my destination, to see the Vietnam Memorial Wall! I figure it cannot be too hard to find once I get off the metro but it seems the people I ask have no clue where the memorials are. HELLO DC... the memorials are kind of big! I find a security officer and she gives me directions and tells me it's going to be a long walk, a really long walk! I go straight to 21st St. Take a left to E St. Keep walking to 17th St. All of a sudden, sirens go off and a police car is stopping traffic to my right! Police officers are crossing into the street and to my right, traffic is being stopped by another police car. Police on motorcycles come from across the street! Two men behind me are telling the police officer their hands are out of their pockets!!! I look at the police officer and tell him I am new to let me know what to do. He says to just stay where I am. Behind me, the two men are talking and I begin to realize this I may actually live. I ask this nice police officer, who does not even smile the entire time, if it's a photo opportunity and he says "probably". So I take out my camera {yes, from my purse and I assure you that police office watched the entire time as I was reaching into my purse}. I quickly snap a photo of this....... I did not even realize the car had passed because once I put the camera down, I was too intrigued by all of the secret service vehicles, which were following this car....

The nice men behind me explain this is not the President, could be the Vice President or someone else. Meanwhile, I still have no idea where I am at and my only goal at this point is the Vietnam Wall! I have seen the top of the Washington Memorial so I know I am getting close but being my first time to DC, I do not have my bearings yet. Once I am able to keep walking, I turn to look back and there is the White House!

Stand.....

2010-12-21T21:15:00.003-07:00

It always comes back to this....

You feel like a candle in a hurricane
Just like a picture with a broken frame
Alone and helpless
Like you've lost your fight
But you'll be alright, you'll be alright

Cause when push comes to shove
You taste what you're made of
You might bend, till you break
Cause its all you can take
On your knees you look up
Decide you've had enough
You get mad you get strong
Wipe your hands shake it off
Then you Stand,
Then you stand

Life's like a novel
With the end ripped out
The edge of a canyon
With only one way down
Take what you're given before its gone
Start holding on, keep holding on
Cause when push comes to shove
You taste what you're made of
You might bend till you break

Cause it's all you can take
On your knees you look up
Decide you've had enough
You get mad, you get strong
Wipe your hands, shake it off
Then you stand, then you stand

Everytime you get up
And get back in the race
One more small piece of you
Starts to fall into place

I really need to start just writing my thoughts in a journal instead of posting through a song on here... but over the last couple of months, I have nothing happy to write about, except Lynkin. He makes me happy and tonight... he gets to sleep on my bed because he's unconditional.

Collide

2010-12-19T07:49:00.002-07:00

The dawn is breaking
A light shining through
You're barely waking
And I'm tangled up in you, yeah

I'm open, you're closed
Where I follow, you'll go
I worry I won't see your face
Light up again

Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the wrong words seem to rhyme
Out of the doubt that fills my mind
I somehow find you and I collide

I'm quiet you know
You make a first impression
I've found I'm scared to know
I'm always on your mind

Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the stars refuse to shine
Out of the back you fall in time
I somehow find you and I collide

Don't stop here
I lost my place
I'm close behind

Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the wrong words seem to rhyme
Out of the doubt that fills your mind
You finally find you and I collide

You finally find you and I collide
You finally find you and I collide

~Howie Day

2010-12-14T18:39:00.000-07:00

I love him

but sometimes,

it just hurts too bad.

Candy Anyone?

2010-10-31T20:18:00.004-07:00

New house, kid neighborhood... you'd think A LOT of trick or treaters, right? WRONG!

I had about 10 kids.....

Maybe next year will be a little more Halloweenish around here!

Oh... and Lynkin did great going to the door with me. :)
I LOVE him! :)

20 years

2010-10-24T18:51:00.003-07:00

So this weekend was my 20 year reunion...

did I go? No

20 years ago, I never thought I'd be here. I thought by now I'd be married and have kids, be a mom. The type of mom I read about on blog after blog. It's all I ever wanted. But things don't end up the way we want. For some reason, God really enjoys letting me know things don't turn out the way we want or hope for. I keep waiting for the lesson I'm suppose to learn. Maybe the boat keeps passing by and I don't see it because it's smaller than I thought, but I really just don't see the light at the end of the tunnel here.

I would give anything in the world for those I care about but it seems that in return I can't even get half. I don't expect the same in return, maybe that is my problem. I'm "too emotional" or "too girl" but you know what... at least I am loyal, caring, and trustworthy. Maybe I should lie, not give a crap, cheat, not go above and beyond to treat the person I care about like he is the greatest thing that walks on this earth. Then I wouldn't care and I wouldn't be "too girl".

If anyone knows a doctor who can take out a girls emotions, let me know... I think it could help!

Playtime

2010-10-03T18:53:00.002-07:00

Lynkin is getting braver and braver. Here he is playing with my mom's dog, Bella. He's holding his own when playing with her now. They have definitely been entertaining us for the last couple of days!

Human chew toy

2010-10-03T18:40:00.003-07:00

I tried to get a good video of Lynkin attacking me! He goes straight for my hands so I'll roll on my stomach and hide my hands and face. He'll start scratching at my head and biting my hair!

Lynkin

2010-09-25T15:33:00.003-07:00

I am 100% in LOVE with this little guy...

Coach Shoes and their new home...

2010-06-06T17:44:00.002-07:00

My shoes... in their new home!

I LOVE... LOVE... LOVE.. these shoes. I thought about them 6 weeks prior to purchasing them because I knew I was going to buy a house and knew I should save my money. Finally, I gave in. I figured when I actually had the house, I wouldn't be able to afford them like I could at that point. A friend kept giving me a hard time about the shoes so I had to take a photo of them by theirselves in the closet. They now have friends and look absolutely HOT in my house... Yep, super glad I bought the shoes when I did!

{p.s. the baseboards were not done when the photos were taken}

The House

2010-06-06T17:19:00.003-07:00

I still need to decorate and take better photos but here is a sneak peak...

Master Bedroom looking into the Master Bath. The carpet and paint is new. Still in the moving stages... Kitchen and Family Room.

Guest Bath... I wanted it to match my pillow case, so my painter took the pillow case down to match the color. This came out darker than I expected but I actually really like it. I still want to add some pink and brown accents in the bathroom... just need to find what I want!

Laundry Room... what a nightmare! I wanted the front loaders and I got them. However, they didn't fit at first. I had to have my painter move the vent to the dryer so we could put the closet doors on (yes, the one thing I don't love about this house is I do not have a laundry room... it's just in the hall). Well, he moved the vent to push the dryer back; however, I just realized today... that I have to manuever the soap dispenser past the open closet door and the dryer door doesn't open all the way. I need to move the dryer over! Basically... I need a handyman to put on different doors or something... I still LOVE my washer and dryer though!

So, that's a sneak peak. When I get more organized and some things up on the walls, I'll take more photos and post. I think the funniest thing is Max though. I really think he likes the house but he's always just wandering around, like he's lost or something. Because of all the tile, it echo's in the house and when I call his name, he looks the other way. Keep in mind, he's 14-1/2 so that does not help! The last couple days, I've gone in the pool for a couple of hours. The pool has a gate around it and Max keeps coming outside and walking around the yard, then goes back inside. He'll even stick his head out the doggie door. Cracks me up! Not the best photo but here's a quick look at the happiness of a dog in his new home!

House

2010-05-18T22:45:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow, it will be official......

House Hunting

2010-04-10T20:14:00.002-07:00

Last May I decided to buy a house. This was something I have always wanted to do and decided it was fine. I did not want to start looking for awhile, because I did not want to find a house in June, close in August, and move in the middle of 118 degree weather. So, I waited until the middle of July to start looking and found the house I wanted. Unfortunately, it was a short sale but I wasn't in a hurry so I was fine to wait. Well, I waited 7 months. I passed up a few houses only because I REALLY wanted this specific one and everyone kept saying to hold out, it will happen. In mid February, I was told the seller's changed their mind and I decided to fight to keep their house. So, I was back to square one, with only 3 months until the first time homeowners tax credit expires. I found the next house; however, it was overpriced. I kept looking at other houses and watched the price on the 2nd house drop. When it finally got to a price I was willing to pay, I made an offer. We went back and forth for 8 days only to find out the seller and agent were basically partners and in my opinion, low life scum. I countered with 'you pay me back if the house does not close on time' and the seller said he wouldn't counter my offer. Back to square one, again. Third house, I made an offer, someone came in and offered substantially more and cash. DANG IT! Meanwhile... I have an offer on a second short sale since mid-February but not expecting anything to come of it because, well... you can see a pattern, right? Currently, this 2nd short sale house has been approved by the 1st mortgage company. I am waiting for the 2nd mortgage company to 'officially' approve the 2nd mortgage. They stated they would as soon as the 1st was approved. It hasn't quite been a week, but seriously, they better hurry up because next week, I am going back to look at houses.

Oh the joys of trying to have a mortgage payment!

BIG things...

2010-04-04T19:39:00.003-07:00

Every month I receive an email from NaBloPoMo with ideas to blog about for the month. This month, April, I am suppose to talk about BIG things.
My BIG things right now are:
1. Finishing school (mid-August, unless I take a much needed break).
2. Buying a house (this is complete HELL).
3. Understanding the life of the busiest man I know.
4. Balancing all these BIG things so they do not effect my job.
5. Finding time for me.
6. Forgiveness

For some reason, I get to deal with all of this at once. I think I've come to that breaking point that I just cannot handle it all on my own. Unfortunately, no one else can help me with these BIG decisions and goals that I must and will complete.

I watches the movie Amish Grace this morning. I started to cry (cuz how can you not if you've seen that movie) and cried for the next 5 or 6 hours. I needed to cry and destress. The basis of the movie was forgiveness. This is BIG too. So now, over the month of April, I have a few things to talk about. I don't want to info dump on you now so we'll take it one step at a time.

Step 1: School

I have finally given up on straight A's. I know I can do it but at this time, I probably will not turn in my last paper. It will drop me to a B and honestly, is that so bad? No, it's not. (I am sure tomorrow I'll change my mind and write the paper but if I don't, I will be ok with it). After tomorrow, I will have 3 classes left. I am seriously thinking of taking a two week break but I know it will prolong my final end date and I really just want this program to be over. A bit of advice for those who want to complete their MBA, HAVE A BUSINESS BACKGROUND! Well that and don't stress over A's. No one is going to ask what your GPA was so why is it so hard for me to be ok with that? Yes, we've had this conversation many times but now, I think I really don't care. I just want it to be over.

Stay tuned for the house hunting... I will post on that a different day because tonight, it would probably have too many 'sailor' words in the post.... not a good thing.

Peace friends~

If You want me to

2010-04-01T19:13:00.004-07:00

The pathway is broken

And The signs are unclear

And I don't know the reason why You brought me here

But just because You love me the way that You do

I'm gonna walk through the valley

If You want me to

Chorus:

Cause I'm not who I was

When I took my first step

And I'm clinging to the promise

You're not through with me yet

So if all of these trials bring me closer to You

Then I will walk through the fire

If You want me to

It may not be the way I would have chosen

When you lead me through a world that's not my home

But You never said it would be easy

You only said I'd never go alone

So when the whole world turns against me

And I'm all by myself

And I can't hear You answer my cries for help

I'll remember the suffering that Your love put You through

And I will walk through the darkness

If You want me to

Cuz when I cross over Jordan

Gonna sing, gonna shout,

Gonna look into Your eyes and see You never let me down

So take me on the pathway that leads me home to You

And I will walk though the valley If You want me to

Yes, I will walk through the valley

If You want me to

~Ginny Owens

For You...

2010-01-11T19:45:00.003-07:00

You're better then the best

I'm lucky just to linger in your light

Cooler then the flip side of my pillow, that's right

Completely unaware

Nothing can compare to where you send me,

Lets me know that it's ok, yeah it's ok

And the moments where my good times start to fade

You make me smile like the sun

Fall out of bed, sing like bird

Dizzy in my head, spin like a record

Crazy on a Sunday night

You make me dance like a fool

Forget how to breathe

Shine like gold, buzz like a bee

Just the thought of you can drive me wild

Ohh, you make me smile

Even when you're gone

Somehow you come along

Just like a flower poking through the sidewalk crack and just like that

You steal away the rain and just like that

You make me smile like the sun

Fall out of bed, sing like bird

Dizzy in my head, spin like a record

Crazy on a Sunday nightYou make me dance like a fool

Forget how to breathe

Shine like gold, buzz like a bee

Just the thought of you can drive me wild

Ohh, you make me smile

Don't know how I lived without you

Cuz everytime that I get around you

I see the best of me inside your eyes

You make me smile

You make me dance like a fool

Forget how to breathe

Shine like gold, buzz like a bee

Just the thought of you can drive me wild

You make me smile like the sun

Fall out of bed, sing like bird

Dizzy in my head, spin like a record

Crazy on a Sunday night

You make me dance like a fool

Forget how to breathe

Shine like gold, buzz like a bee

Just the thought of you can drive me wild

Ohh, you make me smile

Goal #2

2010-01-10T19:29:00.002-07:00

Out with the old... in with the new.

I am slowly packing because I know at some point, I will be moving. Goal #2 is to purge. Get rid of things I do not use {easier said than done}. Here is what happens. I come across something I haven't used and I think to myself... but I WILL use it!!! Hint to self: NO YOU WILL NOT! My second though: the house will be bigger. Second tip to self: WHO CARES! Is this just me? Does anyone else contemplate what to get rid of and what not to get rid of? I remember when I was little, this trait of mine drove my mother insane. I used to save the shavings of my crayons (for some odd reason I learned you could melt them together to make one cool crayon). I never did melt them together. Wish me luck!

2010 - Goal #1

2010-01-04T21:17:00.005-07:00

One goal for this year is nightly push-ups! Something simple to do, right? Sure if you enjoy them and last I checked, I'm not super fond of these. However, once I get into the 'groove', they are not so bad. It's the starting of them that I do not like. If you are interested in some more, advanced versions of push-ups, I found this website that is beneficial to making sure you have good posture with your pushups, plus, the site will give you those harder modified versions!

For another version (that is not found on the above website), try push-ups on a stability ball (found here).

Alright all... time to get to the push-ups for the night.

Here's to a new decade, health, and fitness!

2009, comes to an end

2009-12-29T20:12:00.004-07:00

{Photo of the house I am TRYING to buy}

I cannot believe that we are entering 2010. Where does the time go? My goal this coming year is to survive my MBA and blog more. Oh, I have many more goals and this year, I will obtain a few that I have set out for myself for the last, oh 10 years or so.
One goal is to own my own home. I am in the process of trying to purchase one; however, it is taking FOREVER. It's a short sale (why they call it short, I have NO clue). You will all know as soon as the deal is sealed!
Another goal is to travel again at the end of next year, once I finish this degree. I would really like to go back to Italy (Rome and southern Italy to be exact), so we'll see how that goes. I will go somewhere though, it's my graduation gift to myself!
Next, run a half marathon. I've wanted to do this for some time and I have started training, then something comes up. Work is finally allowing me to take extra time at lunch to go to the gym. I have to make up the time but I've been trying to do this for... oh so long now. With work and school, this will be the best schedule for me and I am excited. Jan. 4... here I come!
By 2011, I will be a home owner, MBA grad, and a runner! Not to mention, I'll have a new stamp on my passport! So, stay tuned and hopefully I'll post more than every 2 months!

Happy New Year!

Veteran's Day... 2009

2009-11-11T07:59:00.001-07:00

Thank you for your service...

Appreciate

2009-11-09T08:34:00.003-07:00

Hey peeps!

I have a request for anyone wanting to participate. My friends brother was wounded in Afghan. He is back in the states and I know it is hard to acclimate back to the civilian world. I would like to get letters together (a paragraph or so) of thanks and appreciation for him. Even if you have young ones to draw pictures for him, I think that would be fantastic!

I think it is important for him to know there are those of us who appreciate what he has done.

I would like to collect them by the weekend. If you want to get involved, let me know. I will come pick the letters/drawings up or you can alway email me with them too. I would be happy to print things out.

This is just a way to give back to a man who sacrificed his life for us to sleep peacefully at night.

Thanks all!

2009-10-14T20:14:00.002-07:00

Gives up....

A = Accounting

2009-10-06T19:16:00.007-07:00

Accounting = Hell

however

Accounting = A

I passed, with an A!

Advanced accounting with never having a basic/introductory accounting course. I will have to say this class really took a lot out of me and the last two weeks have been brutal.

Thanks to:

my cousin Orson and my cousin Ronni's man... Steve.

They both helped me through the last two weeks and without them, I do not know how I would have passed the class!

Those who listened to me complain
{over and over and over}.

My learning team mate: Wayne

and mostly...

Ryk, who continuously told me I would do fine. That I always do well because I "ROCK". For always believing that I can get through every class when I doubt my capabilities. Without him, I am not sure I would be where I am today with this degree program!

{plus he deals with my freaking, psycho moods}

Let me say, this class, has made me doubt if I will survive the rest of my program. I have never had any intro courses in economics, corporate finance, marketing, operational management, and strategic planning & implementation. Oh, and to top it off, these classes are international courses...

uhmm.. I don't even know the American ones!

So... wish me luck over the next 15 weeks because it is the economics and corporate finance courses that I have some anxiety over. If I can make it through those, the rest should be smooth sailing {I hope}.

~Peace

2009-10-04T18:55:00.002-07:00

I am done... with accounting. What did I learn? NOTHING except that one should NEVER take an upper level aka... ADVANCED accounting course unless he or she has taken lower level courses. Oh... also, lack of sleep, this horrible class, and confusing personal life = a psychotic break down and a ton of tears.

I now see a brighter side.... tomorrow will be a good day!

End of the world?

2009-10-03T22:55:00.004-07:00

(Max and Howie, 2001)

You know those days were you seem like it's the end of the world and nothing could be worse? Well then you read about an adorable little baby who has baby asthema and think, yes, there are things that could be worse. Worrying about your baby, it's worse than my day.

but on that note... I would just like to say, even though today is not the worst day, it wasn't one of the better days. Overall, I am lucky because I had lunch and a great Starbucks convo with a friend who always makes me laugh. (I always have to throw in the optimistic side)

Today though, was one of those days I missed my best friend. I wanted to call her and talk about my stresses. I miss having that in my life. That is one of the worst things for me... not having Paula there, especially on the days I would turn to her to vent with, head to dinner and a movie with, and know that no matter what, she would listen and be there for me.

I think I've cried it all out and my head is clear again though. Just school, life, not working out for 4 days, you know, the typical stress of my life and every once in awhile I have a mental breakdown. Accounting is almost done (24 hours left) and I am seriously considering taking off a few weeks to focus on some training but I am not sure yet, we'll see. This is a random, type out my feelings post, but in a year, it will definitely be interesting to see how far I have come....

Thanks for listening

~peace~

Bike Riders

2009-09-27T12:26:00.004-07:00

Ok- news flash!
Cycling... aka... riding, is hard work.

Not only are you trying to just focus on the ride and improve your endurance BUT... you have to watch for cars because let's face it, people who are driving their car DO NOT care about bikers.

Plus, you have to watch for debris in the road. Glass, nails, screws, rocks, sand, cracks (in the street) so you don't
1) fly off the bike or fall over
2) you don't jack up your bike/tire.
You have to be intelligent to ride and able to multi-task. So for all you out there driving and cussing at the bike riders, realize their job is much harder than yours and be respectful!

Oh and when that new person is on the bike, they are a little wobbly and trying to figure out their clips, shifting gears, remembering to unclip, concentrating on the debri in the road, scared some driver is going to hit them, working the 'keep riding, take a drink scenario'... that is hard work too!

That is all...

Faith turns 10

2009-09-21T18:13:00.005-07:00

One of my absolute favorite pictures of both Paula and Faith. On September 15, Faith turned 10. It has been a long rode for this kid and she is definitely an amazing girl. I took cookies out to Faith's class. She struggles with reading and writing but does great in math. We talk as much as possible going to college and doing something that she will love and would be great at. Of course, we have some time to figure that one out. My goal this year is to spend some quality time with her and help her with her reading and writing. I know she struggles and it's a huge reasons she does not like school. I cannot imagine struggling with those two things and enjoying going into a classroom. This weekend, we spent time working on a homework project, a time line of her life. She looked through her baby book and we both cried. Paula had started a scrapbook for her and while reading it, I remembered how funny that woman was. When I read to Faith, I could hear Paula actually telling the story. I wish she would have been able to get farther in the book but regardless, it is something Faith can treasure forever! After going through the book, looking at pictures, and talking about other events throughout Faith's life we were able to get started on the project and finished it the next day. We also spent time discussing 'girl' things. I cannot believe she is 10 and it is definitely time to start discussing certain things so I know she'll have the right information. On Saturday morning, we enjoyed some shopping and breakfast. We had a great time and she picked out Webkins for her birthday present. I love that girl more than I can explain. After she left my house, she went to Amazing Jake's with her friend Jessie to celebrate her birthday! She was so excited to go.

Happy 10th Birthday Faith!

I LOVE YOU!!!

Morgan is 12

2009-09-07T21:12:00.003-07:00

Morgan, 2006, Halloween

I spent the day with Morgan because tomorrow... she will be 12! She spent the night last night and unfortunately, I had to finish a team paper. She went to bed while I finished homework. This morning, I had a quick appointment and headed back home where we watched the movie I got her... Hannah Montana. After, we headed to Red Robin for lunch, then to see the movie All About Steve. Ok- not what I expected and a bit much for her but we still had a good time. She wanted to see a movie; however, there really was not anything out there at this time. We also went to Border's so she could get a book (or 2).

At lunch, we talked about going to college and what she wants to do. She said that she wants to be an author and write books (about horses) and live on a farm. We've been talking about her going to college now for the last few years. She is growing up so quick and before I know it, she'll be scheduling for college courses! I cannot wait to see what she will actually do with her life. She has more of the artistic side to her so writing is something I could see her doing. We talked about a degree in communications so she could do journalism and writing. I can just picture her on a farm somewhere, not too far from home though, with horses and writing books or for magazines. College is a definite; however, her being happy is just as important!

Oh- I also asked if she wanted to get married and have kids. She just kind of shrugged. This is something I do not think she has really thought about. Strange because at that age, I thought I was going to marry Shawn, live on a farm/ranch, and be some sort of cowgirl! Hmmm... almost the same as Morgan. How things change... we'll have to see what happens with her!

Happy 12th Birthday Morgan!

I LOVE YOU!!!

Cycling

2009-08-23T19:34:00.003-07:00

So for many years, I have been encouraged to take up cycling. Well, this morning I went on a ride (I have been a couple of times) HOWEVER, this was my first ride in clips. What am I talking about (for those of you who do not cycle)? I am talking about shoes and pedals. The shoes actually clip into the pedals and you have to REMEMBER to unclip or you fall right over with the bike. Yep, because your feet are 'stuck' to the pedals. I woke up last night and all I could think about was 'what if I fall over and get hit by a car because I do not unclip?'. I would advise you to try the unclipping prior to getting on the actual bike by going to a spinning class. I figured, what the heck, I would just get on the bike and go for it. So that is what I did.
As I got on the bike to pedal, my right foot was clipped in. I have no recollection of what happened next, I just remember falling to the right side. It is kind of funny and I laughed because I knew I was going to fall at some point on the ride. I have a little road rash, bruised hip, sore wrist, but other than that, I am fine. All is good... well except sitting on a bike seat for awhile is not very comfortable, nor is it comfortable for the rest of the day and I am wondering how I will sit tomorrow!
On my ride, I also had a flat tire. Dara was there (Missy, Melanie, and Joanne, a new rider that I just met). Dara changed the tire as we all stood on the side of Ellsworth and watched. Just as I told Dara that it did not take her long to change the tire, there is a loud pop. Low and behold, the new tube popped! Missy said she was thinking to herself that the little air inflater (I have no clue what it is called) should have a gauge so you couldn't put in too much air.
All in all, my first 'official' ride was good. I enjoyed the morning with great friends and cannot wait to get out there again. By the way, I only fell that one time. I did pretty good at the unclipping and there was one point where Missy had to remind me to unclip, otherwise I would have fell again. I guess I owe her BIG time!
Thanks girls for always encouraging me!

Learning

2009-08-09T09:08:00.003-07:00

This past weekend I went to see the movie Julie & Julia. I was not sure what to expect and thought it was interesting how this woman started a blog on cooking and intended to write a book about her experience {via the blog}, which she did. The movie made me realize that I miss blogging! I just never feel as though I have something to write about. So my thought was, as boring as it may seem to some, I should write about my experience with school because it is 'my life', right?
What is interesting is 3 years ago, I had an idea to go back to school. My bio {which I post in every class} states "I was waiting for the rich doctor to come along but finally realized that what we expect to happen, does not always happen. So I decided to take my life into my own hands and do something about it". I went back to school. I was scared to death because I didn't think I could 'do it'. Funny thing is, I could and I have. Who would have thought back in October of 2006 that I would now be in school for my MBA {with a concentration in global management, because that sounds so much smarter!}. Let me tell you all something.... I HAVE NO CLUE WHAT I AM DOING! I learn as I go.
Education has made such a difference in my life. It's amazing what this thing called 'school' can do for a person. It has given me a sense of self worth, taught me I can do anything I set my mind to, and gave me the ability to advance both professionally and personally. Did I mention I can use the word cohesion and know exactly what the importance of that word means in a business sense?
Going back to school gave me the courage to apply for a job, one in which I love. Don't get me wrong, I miss the days of S.B. ETC but I have learned so many different things in my position with UOP and I love the fact that I have made an impact in the lives of others. There are times I want to pull my hair out of my head because I talk with someone who may doubt him or herself and I know he or she can do this because if I can... ANYONE can. It just takes determination and someone supporting you, telling you can do it. Trust me, I have had many nights were I have doubted myself over and over. I have the greatest mentor who always tells me that I can do it though. Without him, I'm not sure I could have made it as far as I have.
So if you are out there wondering... should I go back to school or not? Think about this... what do you really have to lose? Will getting an education only bring you negativity? Will it bring out a side of you that proves nothing can stop you? Will it give you a sense of value knowing that you have accomplised something so many others are 'afraid' to do? Will it teach you things that maybe you do not know about and open opportunities that lay waiting ahead? Will it show your children the importance of an education because isn't that what we all want? Something more for our kids?
Do what you think you cannot accomplish and prove to the world that you are a better person for it!

2009-06-27T09:08:00.001-07:00

boys are confusing...

especially analytical ones!

Peace~

Gill and Skippy

2009-06-27T00:08:00.005-07:00

I never posted here that I got a fish. His residency was located on my desk at the University of Phoenix. His name was Gill and I hearted that fish very much. He was grumpy but cute. Well, I had my co-worker feed him for me and apparently on Monday morning when he came in, Gill had passed away. The guys knew I would be sad so they quickly ran out to replace my little betta. When I finally made it to work on Monday, I was not in the best of spirits... I missed my weekend get away and did not want to be back in Arizona! So- my cube mate, Dave, informed me Gill had died and I now had a new fish. I didn't want a new fish that day. I wanted to be sad Gill had died and sad I was home away from 'him' and sad that I was missing Paula. I wanted to be mad at the students who were dropping classes, angry that work had been stressful, and frustrated with the homework I had left to do that night. Mostly I just wanted to go home.

Now, deep down it brought me joy to know those guys at work cared enough to go get me a new fish because they didn't want me to be sad. They cleaned out Gill's home so the new fish wouldn't get sick. It even took them quite awhile to find just the right fish for me. How sweet is that!?

By Tuesday, the fish did not have a name. And Wednesday, I didn't go to work. But Wednesday night with the help of Ryk, we came up with a name for the fish. His name is Skippy. As of Thursday morning, Skippy and I began to bond. I still miss Gill but I'll say this much... Skippy is definitely NOT as grumpy as Gill. Maybe Gill was just sick from the day I brought him.

In loving memory of Gill

1/24/09 - 1/21/09

Life

2009-06-14T00:09:00.005-07:00

So it has been awhile since I posted and honestly, there is not much to discuss. It seems like my life is pretty much consumed with work and school. As much as I hate school, I love it too. You can say I have a love/hate relationship with my education. This program has brought me to a place were I have more confidence in myself and has really helped me grow in my professional life. Each day, I seem to have more of a sense of direction of where I want to go. Not that I know exactly but I am getting there.

June brought me to my 37th year too. Life is amazing. Of course there are ups and downs and I look back on situations I have overcome. I was having a conversation today with someone 10 years younger than me. She mentioned she had ended a long relationship and I realized she was just a year older than I was when I got divorced. Sometimes it amazes me to say I am divorced because I am to the point were it feels as if I was never married. That time in my life, I thought my life had ended. Everything I wanted was "taken" from me. Being married, a wife, having a family. Over the next several years, I struggled and it did not get easier for quiet awhile. But I can honestly say how much better off I am now.

July will be 10 years since my divorce.

June is 5 years since Paula passed away.

Had I not gone through my divorce, I would never have met Paula. I've always been thankful for my divorce because it led me to a friendship that most never experience in their life. I wonder what this year will bring me because there seems to be a trend in major events in my life. Maybe the experience is just coming to a point in my life were I start to take control of everything and put it all together...

We'll see...

If you are reading this, more than likely you are someone who has been there over the last 10 years of my life. I am thankful for your friendship, whether we talk every day or hardly at all.

Life is good...

Earthquake in Italy

2009-04-06T19:40:00.004-07:00

Say a prayer for them.

Earthquake in Italy

Images from BCC News

Peace~

"Stewy"

2009-04-02T21:49:00.003-07:00

So tonight, a friend said he was going to start calling me "stewy". When I asked why, he said it is because I keep things in and do not get them off my chest. He is right. So my first post for April's growing (UP) blog... I am realizing I do "stew" over things and I am going to make an effort to put a stop to that.

Question is.... HOW?

Any suggestions?

Most of the time that I "stew" about things is because:

1) I am analyzing if I am over reacting and being too emotional

2) I am too upset to discuss it and need to rationalize it though my thought process aka... think logically

3) I do not want to hurt the other person

4) I would be opening myself up and becoming vulnerable and of course I do not want to get hurt.

I think this is something over the years I have grown to know or understand about myself. I think it's ok to "stew" about things for awhile but I do need to get certain things out on the table. I haven't figured out how to do that yet... but when I do, I'll let you know! It's a growing process... right?

April- Growning up

2009-03-30T22:32:00.002-07:00

So this month, I am suppose to write about "Growing (UP)".

Let's back up... I joined NaBloPoMo back in November. It is some blogging website that I do not have time to keep up with, let alone really know what it is about. Anyways, each month I get an email that tells me what I "should" blog about {remember when I blogged everyday in November?}. So this month {APRIL} they suggest to write about "growing (UP)"... and that is what I intend to do.

I have a lot to start talking about and will soon... beginning April 1.
{some ideas}
~how my divorce helped me grown
~going back to school
~Paula
~the girls over the last 4 years
~memories of when I was younger
~daily trials

Stay tuned because I intend to journel {aka: post} as much as I possibly can {in between school, of course}

If you want to join me on this months crusade of "growing (UP)" ... feel free!

Until then-
PEACE~

The princess and the king

2009-03-22T22:02:00.004-07:00

Once upon there was a little girl, a princess, who grew up without a king. The king was around every once in awhile when she was growing up but not like the princess wished for. The princess grew up angry at the king because she felt like the king had left her. When the princess became a woman, she came to forgive the king and understood the things he did. The princess who was now a woman, grew to love the king very much. She enjoyed the times she did get to see the king. Her favorite memories were the times the king would stay up with her late at night and tell her stories, just the two of them. Then one day, things changed. The princess did not understand what had happened and she felt that the king had kept things from her. You see, the king had been sick for awhile and the princess was now afraid something bad might be happening. The king reassured her that everything was fine; however in her heart, she knew it was not true. The king and princess began to argue about everything it seemed. The princess was always defensive because she felt the king did not have faith in her choices. Every time she tried to explain this to the king, she felt he would not listen. This saddened the princess very much. She missed the friendship that the king and her had developed. The princess cried many nights because she loved this king more than anything. But this princess was hurt and so she began to build a wall of thorns around her so she would be protected. The princess no longer knew how to talk to the king and she wished she could find the words to explain how her heart felt. Mostly, she wanted the king to know that she loved him more than an entire kingdom. And back then, a kingdom was a world.

The End.

A day

2009-03-16T20:24:00.004-07:00

So today, started out to be a bad day for me. I showed up at the gym to recover my swimming goggles from the lost and found box only to find out someone "picked them up" and it was NOT me. Then I came home to find out my instructor slammed my part of a team paper. We still got an A but... I was really ticked off about it. Next, was the eye opener that life is not THAT bad. I received an email from one of my students letting me know she did not post her homework last night because her mom had unexpectantly passed away. Her mom was 50, she is 20, and she found her. This all happened before 6:30 am.

As I drove to work, I put in my "God" music. A cd I made for Paula's funeral/worship night. Ok- note to self... do not listen to music that will make you cry while driving to work. I HATE death... it always brings back vivid memories of Paula and the last days with her.

Once I got to work, my day seemed to get better... until I found out Sync and Swim was currently not in business {if you shop there, call back after March 21 to see if they have store hours again}. I eventually found a place that I could go for goggles {yes, I try them on before I buy them}. I headed over after work, got the goggles, and was on the way out of the parking lot when......

Some old man accidently took his foot off the break and rear ended my NEW 4 RUNNER!!!! Yes, I said some major bad words! From the looks of it... my vehicle was fin. He hit the hitch of my vehicle. I still got his info and headed to my mechanics where they waited for me to show up even though they were done for the day. Well, they were finishing up. They looked my vehicle over and said it was fine! Thank goodness... I am fine as well. I think I have some stiffness in my back but nothing a chiropractor and good massage can't fix.

So tonight, even though this day goes in my book as a "bad" day.... I am thankful for many things:
My mom
My dad
My friendship with Paula
I have a job
Morgan and Faith
Friends
Family
My AWESOME Mechanics
My 4 runner that is still unharmed
Max and the annoying Howie

Definitely the list goes on but those are the main things I can think of today. I hope you all had a good day and a better tomorrow!

Peace~

Life

2009-03-12T18:54:00.002-07:00

I feel like I need to post since it's been a couple of weeks. Unfortunately, nothing too exciting is happening in my life.

Work is good-

School is... well school.

I feel like my life consist of work and school. I try really hard to get to the gym but that always seems like such an obstacle. Maybe it is because I have decided to get up at 4:30 am to be to the gym at 5 am to swim for 60 mins to get back home no later than 6:15 so I can shower and leave for work by 7:15 at the latest. Seriously??? There are a few mornings I hit snooze for 90 mins!

Exciting eh?

That's all for now.... Peace~

2009-02-20T19:59:00.005-07:00

I have been doing some major cleaning and I came across cards that Paula sent me.

I cried

I miss her

That is all

“I always knew I'd look back on the times I cried and laugh,

but I never thought I'd look back on the times I laughed and cry""